About Haku-chan

あきもせずにあなたのことをかんがえてる… 

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A Momentary Ache >.<

So at this hour, I am flooded by vivid memories… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

もう、大好き >.<

“ほんのすこしわかりあえたころ

“そんああなたをかんじている

“I will love you.”

(I Will Love You ~ゆい)

*___*

そすけちゃん、

YOU ROCK.

>.<

Family Time (^^,)

Since my sister moved out, we rarely get to go out as a family anymore like we did before, when we would go someplace together and share meals together. Tuesday of last week, I asked my sister to come with me to the mall to look for a certain kind of battery for my Palm. We decided to have our dad come with us to help me look for it, and then my mom decided to join. So we all went to the mall to look for it, and in the process my sister was finally able to taste Manila Scramble, which my dad brought home for me and my mom before, and she totally loved it. I got one for me too (^^,) 

So after (unsuccessfully) looking for a battery, we also visited this really nice Japanese store, Saizen, which is basically a hyaku-en shop brought here to Manila. They sell most of the same stuff being sold in the hyaku-en shop I visited in Yokohama before, which I guess are mostly the same kinds of things sold in other hyaku-en shops in Japan. I have visited their store before and shopped for so many things, so I was excited to go back last Tuesday, since I rarely get to visit the particular mall where Saizen is located. Here are some of the stuff I bought last week:

An incense holder which looks like a traditional Japanese garden lamp. I think you can also place tea lights inside, though I have yet to try it. I immediately bought it because it looks really nice (^^,) Here it is, with Reina-chan sitting next to it. I think she also loves the Japanese-garden-lamp-look. 

Despite having tons of erasers, I bought just ONE pack of Iwako erasers:

I also bought functional stuff like travel tissues XD And I specifically bought this because of the cute packaging XD

After over an hour of going through all the stuff, my mom wanted pizza and so my dad brought us to their favorite pizza place. We had half pepperoni pizza and the other half has “everything on it.”

As we drove home, it was raining and it felt so nice to have such a nice afternoon with them (^^,) 

Y?

Found this nice ring from etsy and I immediately thought, “Yagy?” XD

:O

It’s my phone number!! :O 

XD Omg, that’s like so insane XD 

Well, it’s really my number XD Or part of. Fine, part of XD And it’s not supposed to mean anything except that it just makes it easier to remember XD 

Okay, tama na. 

XD

Shiver

A dyslexic version. 

That or he sings it. 

Hey That Worked XD

What do you know, writing down the previous entry actually helped me release some of these strong emotions (^^,) His reiatsu is still shaking things up inside, but I am no longer as anxious (^^,) I just need to do some more things that will ground me, so that I can get back to a normal state - being able to balance his reiatsu with mine. Of course, it would be better if the setting were how I wish it to be, but until then, I just need to live and enjoy the now, with just the right increments of him adding color to my world. 

Me, Scattered

As of now, I am trying to find something that will ground me.

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Food for the Soul

I would just like to share something from the Yoga Journal:

“Savor the fact that you have what you have, and you can do whatever you can do.”

Today is One of Those Nice Days

This morning I was supposed to wake up at 7, but I was unusually sleepy and exhausted, probably because of yesterday’s midterms and work, as Kiwi-chan pointed out. So, since I still did not have ANYTHING listed in my planner for today and the following days, I decided to sleep as much as I wanted, then just work and study after that. 

Plus, it was a little cold in the morning so I wanted to tuck in and sleep and think of サイバちゃん。。。

So I slept some more and got up a few minutes before 10, did yoga, then had a banana and hot Milo as I checked my mail and visited some games. After that I planned the rest of my day until Thursday. So basically I just worked and studied all afternoon, after which I found myself suddenly with free time, and I realize that today’s weather has been doing things to me.

It has been a rainy, gloomy, and a very wet day, and though it would make most people sleepy and lazy, it makes me so alive. My senses have been extra sharp and I have been extra calm, except for occasions when the music would make my heart race, or when certain changes in my wallpaper would take place XD (I set my desktop wallpaper to change every five minutes, and they are all images of やぎちゃん, and some images are just… killers. 

So anyway, I’ve been so enjoying the weather. It makes me alive and light and happy and everything. Not happy like, hyper, but just quietly happy. It makes me think of サイバちゃん too and it makes me WISH for him SO MUCH MORE but so far, I think I am becoming even better in keeping the emotions at bay, and not letting them rule my entire day, my thoughts, my actions, my plans, and not letting them distract me from work or school. 

I love the weather. My windows are open and the curtains are drawn apart to let the chilly wind come in. The sky is somewhat like Morrowind again, and it makes me wish for サイバちゃん, but the gloomy weather is so not making me gloomy. I just love it. I wish I could spend days like this with サイバちゃん。I wish he were thinking of me (^.^)

This day is a really nice one. It is happiness. 

主人 - Of All Things XD

This morning was our midterms in Nihongo. QUITE SURPRISINGLY, i got all the items on the Listening Test correct XD I was completely, honestly shocked >.< But I’m happy too because I realize it helps to be really relaxed during the test and to not ovethink about how I will do XD 

I would have gotten the midterms perfect if it weren’t for the 0.5 point which was deducted because I got one thing wrong - 主人。 Of all things, I got THIS word wrong, it’s so funny XD The word means one’s own husband - and I got one stroke wrong >.< I hope that when it comes to the REAL 主人, I won’t get anything wrong XD

In any case, I am so happy with the results of my test (^^,) I was not expecting it at all; I was just hoping to pass, because there have been some parts of the lessons that I found confusing. So, yay (^^,)

Dear Adorable サイバちゃん

I wish I can

take long walks in Roponggi with you

share Chirashi and ramen with you

read a book with you beside me

share peanut butter popcorn with you

watch you nap and see your adorable face everyday. (and hear your adorable voice too XD)

A Thousand Names

So I asked, why do girls/ladies/women need to write a guy’s name over and over and over again? Perhaps it’s some kind of disorder XD

And somehow, we get some kind of satisfaction from doing it, even if momentarily. 

Writing his name, over and over and over again. 

Ekiben and Mojitos

I wish I can get on that train with サイバちゃん and share ekiben with him and then when we get off someplace, we can have mojitos and take a long walk together >.< 

*really likes*

Finding Joy in Your Journey

“The joy is in the journey, whatever unexpected form it may take.”

This stuck to my mind while I read my subscription to the Yoga Journal. It reminded me to find the joy in and to wisely use the time given to me, whatever happens within it.

こえ

サイバさま >.< あなたのこえが大すきです。 >>>.<<<

>.<

”むくちになるのはことばじゃたりないきもちがあふれてるから。”

>.<

サイバさま。。。

Surface

My mom woke me up this morning because some guys from the internet company needed to check on why my connection has been intermittent lately. 

After I was able to make sense of what she said, first thing that surfaced in my head was サイバさま >.< *quick heartbeats*

His voice, his voice!!!!! >>>.<<< *very quick heartbeats* 

サイバさま、大好きです！！！ >>>.<<<

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr >>>.<<<

*BURSTING WITH EMOTIONS*

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr >.< 

I need to contain this >>>.<<<

I will just let it sit on a small chair nearby and I will try my best to deal with the fact that it’s there, sitting on a chair, but at least it is not creating havoc in my life >>>.<<< *steals glances at The Cluster of Emotions and Thoughts to make sure it is behaving on its chair*

>>>.<<<

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy T.T 

O_O

This time last year, I went to hell. (Of course, it was involuntary.)

No need to spill gory details ^.^

I was going to write this last night, at the exact same time around which a major shift in my life took place. However, my internet provider has not been very cooperative lately so… anyway, I just thought I’d mention about going to hell. 

But the point is, I am here now. And though I went through some kind of phase last Monday (which I forgot to write about then), which is totally unrelated to my Involuntary Hell Trip, things have been more manageable than I thought. 

So yeah, I just thought I’d mention it. 

I am quite relieved that my death wish then didn’t come true. Pano na lang si サイバさん XD 

Loko lang. 

Well seriously, so far, so good. 

I will just try not to read so much into chance meetings and seemingly perfect timings so that I can finally break The Pattern. That also means letting サイバさん sleep inside my head for as long as he can. I have been tired and I will not lift a finger anymore (”.) 

My sister said it had seemed like it was SOOOOO Long Ago. Probably because so much had taken place too and the energies were so heavy that they seemed to have been dragging on for ages. 

So anyway. 

さようなら、先生。

さようなら、いっかくちゃん。

さようなら、all the false hopes. 

かれの名前

The other day, I was finally able to say his name to myself >.< (I know, it’s strange.)

It has been odd, being unable to say it, and I find myself automatically stopping once I start with the sound of the first letter. 

It was a struggle, but I was able to say it. I think I had to, because keeping it all locked up inside makes my head hurt XD

Then today, I am able to “mention” his name once in a while in my thoughts, or when I make WISHES. 

*wishes* >.< 

>.< He’s so adorable. Super >.< 

(Sometimes I get sudden flashbacks of how adorable he looks with his hair combed a certain way >.< I don’t even think he is fully aware it looks like that >.< かわいい！！！！！)

(There are also other random flashbacks of moments when he just Suddenly Looked Different >.<)

たいへんですね！

T.T

I think I need to talk to someone about this but I don’t think I should though I think I should because it is making me dizzy but then again I shouldn’t because it’s about time I break the pattern before it breaks me. 

ARRRGH >.<

Whyyyyyy. I keep remembering Very Sharp Features and I am even thinking its wholeness is ADORABLE T.T Whyyyyyyyyyy T.T 

Everything everything everything is WIDE AWAKE >.< 

Rrrrrrrr >.< 

No. I must not. *regains sanity*

*slips back, just a little, but at a more tolerable level* 

A clear image, So Adorable. 

(I can’t believe I am saying that T.T)

He Who Must Not Be Named

Oddly, I forgot to mention the reason why I wrote the previous post XD 

Well at least it’s just part of the reason.

>.<

I cannot even mention the name to myself >.<

After speaking of the name last night, I can’t, again. Not even when no one is around to hear me, or to hear my thoughts. It’s like my other selves are not uite ready to hear it yet. 

Argh. >.< 

>.< Rrrrrrr >.<

In connection to The Funny Weird Thing I’m Feeling since last night, I guess I have come to a point when…

I have to live with it nowwwwwww >.< 

Because you see, last night, I wasn’t planning to go out, but I got so agitated and felt that I just had to get my head off thoughts related to it. It somehow worked,  and I just had fun with kendo friends. When I got home however, it was like The Thoughts were just calmly sitting on my chair in my room, waiting for me to rethink them and wallow in them. >.<

I slept really late, and just before I fell asleep, in a frenzied state of Thinking About It, I mentioned The Name >.< Rrrrrrrrr T.T It’s like naming an enemy or something though not in a Voldemort sort of way. It’s like admitting that something is a problem, or that a phase has been entered, or like the price of something has been punched in >.<

When I woke up this morning, I remembered it and now I can’t just get away and pretend I am not in the phase. Well I still can, but it’s like there’s A New Resident in my head >.<

And now I have to deal with the fact that I am Inside This Swirling Planet of Weird Emotions. >.< 

Felt

Last night, internet connection became VERY wonky, so I wasn’t able to write a particular entry anymore >.< As I listened to some music and heard a song by Peaches again after a loooong time, I realize it elicits certain…. things:

intense emotions

maddening desire

delirious anxiety

a game of tug-of-war, my self pulling back my self, my self reaching out to obtain, cling.

Steal.

Happy Weekend

My happy weekend has started right this morning when I woke up, and it is still on-going right this moment (^^,) Beginning my super-laid-back weekend (She & Him in the background; earlier it was Natalie Merchant.) 

So this morning I woke up early, but decided to get back to sleep and savor the wind coming in through my (newly cleaned) windows (I cleaned them last Thursday and changed the curtains too.) then woke up about a couple of hours later. Then I did my yoga, had breakfast, and blogged and surfed like crazy. For the past couple of weeks, I have hardly visited my blogs nor checked out my personal messages and pages because I made some changes to my schedule and how I work around them. Even after my previous ended (my last day was last Wednesday), I’m still as busy as ever, with my schedule full. It’s a nice kind of busy though - very productive and still somewhat flexible, not the hectic kind that makes you want to drop, literally drop, everything, and just absent-mindedly walk off into the sunset. XD

So anyway I caught up on a favorite blog of mine and updated this blog and did other non-work online stuff. Next thing I know it was lunchtime, and I didn’t even realize how FAMISHED I was XD After lunch I continued my personal online stuff again, then napped to rest a while before kendo. For a while, I considered (again) not going to kendo, but I told myself to just Get Up and Prepare and JUST SHOW UP, because that’s the easiest way to deal with the dilemma of whether to go or not to go. 

And, as usual, I am so glad I went. For some reason, though I didn’t look it, I totally enjoyed and appreciated tonight’s practice. I guess it’s because I was not distracted AT ALL, and my mind wasn’t thinking ahead or whatever, so I was totally, fully there, at the present, just focusing on what I was doing and what I had to do. Looking back, it was almost as if I was tuned out of everything else and it was all about what I was doing. I wasn’t even thinking of having to do well or having to do this and that. I was just doing my best and not even fully being worked up about the thought of having to do my best. It was like doing without doing too much, like I was just, there. *babbles* XD

So now of course my feet hurt because I made a few awkward steps and turns but I just felt them as I came up the stairs tonight when I got home. But I realize that some of tonight’s practice is llike a hazy memory, because it all seemed to breeze by, but not in a way that makes one feel lost or like Time Went Someplace Else And Left Me. 

But anyway in a nutshell, I really appreciate tonight’s practice. And during the ending seiza, I felt That Occasional Strong Feeling That Is Almost “Ecstatic”, for lack of a better term. I don’t think I can talk about it to anyone though, because I don’t think anyone would understand XD It’s just WAY TOO WEIRD. It’s SOMEWHAT the same feeling I get when I am so happy with a book I’m reading, except that it’s like reading contains the “start of the strong feeling” and my post-kendo state is like, the finale XD Weirdness. 

SO MOVING ON, it has been a super great day, and tonight, obviously, I did not go out with my kendo friends. I think I am going through A Certain Phase which I have discussed with my sister, and thankfully, she understood what I meant, because I don’t think anyone else would. Plus, I have been tired and busy so I just needed some time to myself doing nothing that is planned. Of course I have things in mind but I don’t need to follow a schedule of something, and most of what I intend to do are things I only try to Insert into my tight schedule. For instance, I want to keep moving forward with Lirael because I can’t wait to see what will happen to her, plus I want to catch up with my blogs and favorite pages and stuff, and I want to just do whatever. So I think it’s time I get this well-deserved, long-awaited for rest. It’s not even like a vacay, just a nice leisurely time by myself on a normal weekend. 

Perhaps next week I can do this again, possibly with CHOCO ALMOND CROISSANT care of Caring Friends. XD Har har har har. >XD Well, if they DO actually get me some XD Or at least ONE XD I LOVE choco (the food) and I LOVE almonds and I love croissants (especially if they are buttery). 

So the rest of evening is Lirael, chokomochi, gaming and gaming girl, Wiki, personal mails, and whatever. And of course There Shall Be Coffee. XD

(Music is now by Veruca Salt, the softer ones from American Thighs ^.^) 

Follow Your Passion

“From my past experience, I always found that just continuing to do what I believed in would always bring about those clear blue skies and calm seas - no matter how stormy those rough seas got.

Productive Peachness

Today is so productive! (^^,) Plus I notice how lately, things are clearing up and SPACE in its various forms are becoming available to me and to better things (^^,)

So apart from taking the big steps I mentioned yesterday, today also covered a lot of “harvesting” (this being The Year of Harvest and all). 

Morning, I was able to stick to my To Do list, and then I worked, and I finished early, so I was able to move everything else to an earlier time, though one of my chores took time, but that’s okay. So anyway, I was also able to stick to my To Do list for after working time (partly with the help of some Idol # 3 XD). I was able to clean one of my closets and found that I have more space in the uppermost part than I thought I did. Then, I was finally able to clean and check the computer I am selling, and was able to list down the specs and take out everything from my room, which means getting back some space in my room which used to be occupied by the CPU and monitor.

After cleaning up and everything, I took my nth bath, had dinner, then began studying for the final exams. I just studied for a couple of hours because I’ve been having a fitful sleep since Sunday night, and I always had kanjis and picture drawings in my dreams, where I had to tell if something is ue or shita or naka or tonari or whatever, while writing kanji in the air. SO weird. So anyway tonight I was able to finish reviewing and practice writing Kanji, further to the review and practice I did last Sunday >.< I have to work hard because I get confused when it’s time to write them or to read them as part of a cluster of kana. So, tomorrow I start reviewing my notes, then the book, then all the “bunch of papers” (as Keita-san put it). It is all organized now, I just need to go through all of the materials >.< 

So anyway I just had to write a bit about my productive day because I have some energy left and I need to use it up so I won’t stay awake til 3 am. I’m kind of… hyper. I can feel it.

I didn’t forget this part, I just didn’t want to lump it up with the chorey parts and work parts >.< I was able to resolve another thing today, and I think it’s good because I was able to let it out of my system and I no longer feel any trace of anger or annoyance, and I am guessing it’s good to go back to how our friendship was before, and I know I sound weird now because this just seemed to pop out of nowhere. In a nutshell, of course I’d still get those occasional Black Hole moments but generally things have somewhat been ironed out and now all is just… safe.

I really believe so far I’ve done good things and have been cleaning up >.< I guess it would really pay to be my version of a Third Assistant Librarian, and my Disreputable Dog will be the music that makes my heart beat fast - my companion at any time (^^,)

Of course though, something will have to come, I mean good things, not Stilken. XD

Time to sleep! Oyasumi >.<

Last, I realize I still have a bag of minty kisses. The last batch of all of it. They have stopped multiplying a long time ago and will only be left to rot in the bag, so I am sending the last of them to where minty kisses ought to go. So I reach in and send them out to their appropriate inappropriate recipient. And then there will be none, and everything will be much sober, though it would be a nice kind of sober, the one without headaches. So yeah, moving forward

I’m still WIDE awake but I am sure I will start to relax once I have a book in my hands (^^,)

Tomorrow has Cake! (^^,)

I need to water my plant now >.< I almost forgot. Oyasumi. (wave)

*iPod to my ears* 

Big Steps, Another Set

Today, I was finally able to turn over That Particular Bag of Stuff. Finally, after having it for SO SO SO LONG. 

(For some reason I can’t create a hyperlink because this blog does not work well with Safari. Super malapit na akong lumipat ng blog. Plus so many people are complaining about the popups already.)

So anyway, letting go of the disappointment that I cannot create a link, I have also let go of the stuff. I guess all my defenses were up because I did not want to break down or whatever. I guess it is also good that I did it before Nihongo class so the joy I get from class will help in nursing whatever wound is reopened. 

Then today I realized that I still have an entire folder of emails under the one connected to The Bag, and I painfully deleted the entire folder too. I caught snippets of old messages and they felt like twisting daggers on my chest but then, I NEED to be brave and I NEED to be strong, so, though shaky, I am still alive.

Ouch ouch ouch.

This will heal, this will heal.

>.< 

Argh. Weight.

I think it’s just now I’m feeling the weight of The Unlikelihood. (I don’t want to call it Impossibility.)

>.<

T.T

>.< 

With Matcha, Without Match

I had hot white chocolate this morning, and I added matcha to it. The smell was sooo… nostalgic >.< Reminded me of slightly embarrassing moments >.< At the same time, it reminded me of how we can never be T.T

T.T

Dare desu ka T.T Hayaku, hayaku T.T  

Kanji Game XD

In class today we had a Kanji game, and it was SUPER fun XD Of course, deadma na kung bata ang kalaban ko - it was all about WRESTLING (and screaming for us girls) for the right Kanji card XD I have this funny memory in my head of screaming and grabbing one of the Kanji cards from Ryoma-chan XD Anyway our team won XD We took home Dairy Milks XD 

Prior to that we had our famous (at least in our class), or one of the famous dialogues, the one with Miraa-san and Kimura-san XD My partner was Louie-san and at first he was decided to be as stoic and spaced out as the actual Miraa-san. So we went to the front and brough props (cell phones) and he rang my phone to make it realistic XD

However, when the part came for Kimura-san to decline Miraa-san’s invitation for the date, Louie-san started acting weepy and crushed, and unintentionally turned into a goat XD

Today was super fun (^^,)

Well, every class is fun but today was super because of the Kanji game excitement XD And it has been extra fun ever since the invisible barriers were taken away unknowingly by A Fateful Day XD

So anyway, one thing I learned was to target the bombugu-ya XD

By the way, and this is totally unrelated to my Japanese topic XD I had my haircut yesterday XD I was supposed to have it done by the usual hairstylist I go to but I didn’t know it was his off, but it was the only time I could get a haircut, and besides it was more of just a sidebangs cut. So when my parents and sister went to the mall, I tagged along and just decided to go to any salon I find For The Meantime. Then I found this salon which I think is run by a Korean couple, and it was the Korean guy who cut my hair, and I totally love what he did to me XD For a while there I felt like a momoko doll whose hair was being styled for something huge. Loooove love love love. Of course now I look more everydayish, but yesterday I stepped out of the salon feeling like… a doll. XD In a good way of course XD I even LOVE the way he tied back my hair in a ponytail (I also realized no one has tied my hair up in a ponytail for a long time XD) since I came in wearing a ponytail, except he twirled some of the hair at the sides of my head, which, amazingly, suddenly looked perfect XD And then each time he asked “Do you like it?” I wanted to scream “I love it!” XD 

So back to stuff NOT related to my hair, I am also glad I decided to work today XD Earlier today I was feeling a little ill but when I came back home I decided to work offline so I was able to bring the laptop (I am using a temporary computer because my real computer is in the Computer Hospital) to my bed and I worked as the weather changed from hot and sunny to rainy and chilly. So, I was able to finish work today and was able to do a lot, and enjoyed the weather while I was at it.

The rainy season has started I guess. I love it too! I love the heat of the summer but I love the chill of the rainy days too (^^,)

By the way, Aisha Duo and rainy weather equal Perfection. (^^,)

*Love love love* (^^,)

(Note to self: I am trying to ignore my SLIGHT, oh so SLIGHT fixation on a person template currently residing in my head. I guess it helps, though, that someone Super Super Kawaii is balancing that. So it is all just about the Happy Feelings XD) 

On Boyfriends and Cakes

My AC:WW character establishes a “boyfriendy relationship” with particular town residents XD So far, these boyfriends have been Punchy (a black and white cat, but mostly black), Biskit (a dog with white eyes and likes to eat 5 of everything), and Kabuki (a white cat with red paint on his face). 

Punchy, Biskit, and Kabuki all eat

FLYING CAKES. 

(Of course Biskit eats FIVE of them.)

XD

O_O

*WARY*

O_O

*stares*

*remembers a song*

The Town

We went to the older part of Pasig during the Election Day to vote - it’s the older part of town where I grew up. Most of its historical spots were still there, including the really old gift shops and school supplies stores and bakeries that I remember from early childhood. The streets are more crowded now, though, with more fast food chains lining the streets. 

So anyway on our way to the public school where we were supposed to vote, we drove by the old library and museum (though now it is just called a museum):

Back then when I was a kid, this building wasn’t that yellow. It was the Pasig Library and Museum. Before it even became a public libary, it was HOME to an actor or actress, I just forgot the name. It was a mansion in the middle of the town, and at some point there was a railroad somewhere there. Anyway I only heard that story when I was kid, because I was so amazed at how huge the inside of the library was, and I couldn’t remember my way around when I was inside. I remember visiting this place with my sister, and we would borrow plenty of books, and sometimes we would hang out in there and just go through the huge hardbound books that we either cannot take out, or do not want to bring all the way to the house because they were too heavy.

I remember going to the children’s section, but only enjoyed looking at the pictures in the books, but I would prefer to go to where the “grown-up” books are, meaning the romantic novels, dramatic stories, or suspense thrillers. One time I looked at the pictures of a huge book of medical studies and diseases, but I was so disturbed by what I saw, and I felt awfully sick. I think we went to buy some burgers and snow cones after so I’d feel better >.<

So anyway, when I was a kid, my sister and I would spend a lot of our summer days visiting this public library, which is now just a museum. I have no idea what’s inside it now, and what it looks like. I remember visiting the museum part of this when I was a kid, though I cannot remember what were on display.

Beside this library was the town plaza, as in your traditional plaza across the church, where there are lamp posts and benches and plants and flowers, though I am not sure if I remember correctly that there is a fountain in the middle of it. I wasn’t able to take a photo, though, because we had to turn left towards the side of the really old Pasig church, on our way to the public school.

This means I wasn’t able to take a photo of the church too, except for one part of the bell tower.

The church I grew up with, until I just stopped going. (Aaargh, SUDDEN INFLUX of memories about certain…. people. I think I was in high school. Or grade school. Or early high school. Argh. Anyway. Looking back… >.< I can’t say it >.< Certain church boys. Or twins.) ANYWAY, this is a really old church, and it is so beautiful from the outside. Inside, it still looks nice, but I think a greater part of the altar and the niches have been redesigned, and most of it has been gilded, taking away the old, traditional, homey, wooden, simple look. Personally I think it was more beautiful how it looked before - when everything was either in stone or in wood - rather than having everything gilded or encased in whatever ornament. 

(residues from the influx >.<)

So anyway, we got to the public school, lined up for almost four hours, and voted.  

Stayed In Again

After kendo tonight I came home and didn’t go out. This is nice because I get to rest and I don’t spend so much >.<

For a while though, earlier, That Feeling I Don’t Like came to me, but I managed to just ignore it til it left after several minutes. Yesterday was one of the worsts. It lasted from ate afternoon til the middle of the evening, and I was telling my sister about it, how huge it can sometimes be that it is almost tangible, as if there is a bubble of it and I cannot fill in the space in it with something else. Lately I have been getting That Feeling I Don’t Like a bit more often than it would normally do before >.<

And then tonight, it was a like, the Universe told me that I may not have exactly followed the Recipe for Disaster, but still, everything I did was for… Nothing. >.< Generally, I am not bothered nor crushed by it, but sometimes I remember it and I realize something has changed because now I totally know it, or at least have a clearer idea, and then there is this slight tugging inside and I wince a bit. >.< 

So earlier tonight as I took a shower I was thinking how I thought this and that was so going to happen but they didn’t and I don’t think they ever will. 

Sometimes I just don’t know what to think anymore >.< 

*SIGH* 

>.<

""Luke""

Yup, double quotations. 

XD

I keep forgetting to write about this dream. I had it yesterday, or the other day. I think it was yesterday. It was another “Luke” dream. This is like, a second vivid one. 

It was more of a nightmare, really. with very disturbing images.  I was in a weird town with run down buildings, and there was oneparticular super creepy parking space. It was a very old concrete building, one of its walls torn down, so that you can see the cars parked from one side. It was a two or three-story building, and the walls inside looked burnt and dirty and scary. Apparently, it was believed that a woman hanging upside down would come out of the topmost  level at random times, and when she does, everyone should hide beneath a blanket or stay indoors and pretend to sleep, so that she won’t be able to harass anyone. Her face was beleved to be very scary and disfigured and she didn’t have eyelids so her eyes were in a perpetually shocked expression. Her hands were clammy and cold, and she makes sounds of anguished as she harasses her victim. It is best to pretend to be asleep and not respond to her, so that she gets tired and goes back to her parking space, until she comes out again anytime later.

So just as a girl beside me was telling me about it, a sound came from the building, and people screamed, “hide!” and they all either went inside their cars, locked it, and pretended to sleep, or brought out huge blankets and hid under them, lying right there on the streets. 

Of course, because it’s my nightmare, I didn’t even have a hankie. 

The girl then called my name and I realize that a group of friends was nearby, but they were still a few steps away, and the girl was closest, so she told me to just try to squeeze in with her. As I crawled in, I saw “Luke” among our friends, already pretending to be asleep, though I was wondering why he didn’t his face. So anyway I crawled under the girl’s blanket, and just as the upside-down-horrible-lady came flying out of the building, I was puling the blanket over my head. 

Again, because it’s my nightmare, she managed to find me, and I heard her making her anguished sounds as she tugged at the blanket and started grabbing my arm through the blanket. I heard the girl behind me crying softly, because she knew that I was going to die or something. I didn’t dare open my eyes because I was terrified of what I might see. Finally, the monsterlady was able to pull the blanket off my head, and her cries sounded more real, and sharper. 

I was so scared and suddenly a thought came to me that I can say anyone’s name and it would all turn out to be some kind of modern fairy tale, and the person would save me, though I was thinking that I just might be hallucinating. But since I was dying anyway, I knew there was nothing left to lose, and I called out the real name of “Luke.” The sound of my voice was so clear that everything else in the dream quieted down, and the horrible lady disappeared. Everything was brought back to normal, but it was all strangely quiet. 

As I got up, I realized that I wasn’t hallucinating, and I knew that things were already falling into place so that the whole “Luke” story can begin to take shape. I felt a little terrified because again, I felt like it might not be what I really want, and I suddenly felt tired at the thought that I would have to share my life with his, which is totally totally different from mine. 

I woke up suddenly, shaken by the screaming monster woman, and exhausted at the thought of being with “Luke,” and a little tiny wee bit sad at the thought that I won’t ever be someone beside a “Luke.” 

A Memory of Ache and Mist

“Recently I have been spending time on skype, communicating with a loved one both present and absent. There are times when words, letters, and pictures need to be replaced by a haptic space of darkness and touch.”

Not that I have been spending time on Skype like the writer of these lines, but my mind just remembered a time when someone was always present, yet absent. Always present, that I seem to have him in my pocket, then I pull him out of it, and speak of nightmares, of things I remembered him by. Always present, I work, he is there, I kill time, he is there. I open inboxes and he is there. I close my eyes and he is there. But always absent, because he was never here. Never. Ever. On the few occasions we would be physically in the same place, we had to live and act in the way this particular universe is supposed to be lived. And not according to the other universe he has created, or we have created, but the bigger part of which was lovingly created by him, and I only came to sit on my princess chair. In that universe, no one else was present. In this universe, there are many people. So many people. 

And then I would go through many moments, so many that I lost count, when the sweetest, sprinkled words need to be realized. Especially when there are physical gaps that emanated with hope and longing.

*shift*

Well anyway, as the title says, it’s just a memory. It just struck me when I read the quoted lines. *sighs and moves on*

Early Morning Eye-Rolling

*rolls eyes*

XD

Oh well. 

So it was last month that I got REALLY ticked off. It was like waking up all of a sudden, rid of all sentiments and rid of reasons to stick around.

That time, it was because of his portrayal of himself as The Ever-Perfect One, The Ultimate Blessing that one can obtain at the start of each day. It was as if you were lucky if, upon opening your eyes in the morning, there he is, all adorable and adoring you at the same time. 

So, I let the phase pass, until one day, it was just gone.

However, HUMIRIT PA. Humirit PA RIN.

I let it go because I REFUSE to get mad all over again. So, alright, friendly.

But then again, I woke up this morning. Ang aga-aga. Morning pa man din XD

Another declaration of a seeming Perfection. And the fickle mob expresses its awwwws and wows.

Sneering, I shared The Declaration of Seeming Perfection to a kin. 

(Our exchange. Or at least patches of. With minor revisions so as not to give away anything and feed the paranoia of The Pleaser.)

Mochi: (shares)

Kin: T@#%!#@ n&@.

Mochi: So ang aga aga….

Kin:Ako naman I have a certain tolerance for ******* people who decide to make a change in what they have chosen pero ang operative word ay DECIDE. I HATE yung nagbabakasakaling magmultitask. And I HATE FLAKINESS. Yung urong-sulong. Yung HINDI CONSISTENT. 

Mochi: Kaya nga. Fine, everyone makes mistakes. But after committing the mistake, kung maka-declare naman sya ng Seeming Perfection, nakakakilabot.Hindi ka naman galit? XD

Kin:  Hindi, kasi HUMIHIRIT pa sya sa yo. So WHAT THE F*CK. 

Mochi: Oo nga. What did it was the first time he portrayed himself as The Ultimate Blessing of the DAY. And everyone was like, awwwww. Na parang wow, ang galing nya, he’s just super. 

Kin: I think he’s being unfair and insensitive to whoever is [in Mochi’s place]. Kasi kung kita naman sa kanya na ayaw, hindi rin naman maeencourage ang isang tao. Tignan mo si Scarlett. Nakikita nya kasi nagbe-break yung resolve nung guy. So nagkakaron ng false hopes. 

Mochi: (thinks of grocery scene of Scarlett with her friend who was rejected through seven different portals)

XD

So, basically, the stuff that are supressed and pushed at the back of my brains. Voiced out by a third person. i couldn’t articulate them myself because I’ve been too busy rolling my eyes and sneering XD 

Oh well, tama na talaga. Okay na sana the last time, kaso may hirit factor pa rin. And then sabay deklara ng kanyang Angelic Perfection. Now I completely do not mind if I do not see him EVER. I bet he’ll be too busy running around pleasing other people too anyway. *rolls eyes*

Sweet Saturday

Friday night, I fell asleep thinking if I should go to kendo or not, but by then I have more or less decided that I will not be going out after. Apart from needing to look after my finances, I wanted to organize my files (since I have changed computers Friday) and fix my things and just rest. 

Saturday morning until noon, I still felt confused on whether to go or not, though I was more inclined not to go. When I took a nap, I decided to just let go of any resistance inside me and just see where my actions will lead me. When the alarm went off, I got up, took a bath, and then went to kendo after all.

And I am so happy I went (^^,)

Well, nothing spectacular happened, but I’m just glad I went and was able to practice. I was able to see my friends and talk to them and I was able to learn something new. Plus, it was nice, though very unusual, that it was NOVA who learned something FROM me XD. Nothing big, but just insights on what kind of person he is and what first-borns are like and other random stuff. Anyway, all in all, it just feels really nice when I almost did not go, then went, then realized it was good that I went XD 

After practice, since it turned out that none of the others would be going out too except for Allan, my sister and I just decided to invite him over for dinner, so we ate here at home and he brought more food and beverages and BTIC. Later on, Mao followed and then we just all hung out for a bit then they all went home. I was not able to do a lot of organizing but it was nice that we just stayed here in the house and I was able to rest early (^^,)

>: |

Go ahead and keep listening to that song, maybe it will convince you that you aren’t being dishonest and you will always be the nice innocent person you are projecting to be. *fuming*

I suddenly hate him so much >:|

*tired*

When I am this tired

I wish I could just

succumb

to 

All I Want to Do

is STUDY!

My entire evening yesterday was spent studying. I would rather study the whole day today, but I have work to do >.< I wish I had all the kane that I need so that I don’t need to work and I can just study for the next several months. >.<

Cozy (Long) Weekend (^^,)

It’s my first weekend here in our new home (^^,) 

Last night when Mao and my sister drove me home, my sister mentioned that this new home is really so homey and cozy and the energies are so nice which makes her like to come over. I then realized it’s my first weekend here so yay (^^,) Plus, it’s a long weekend so more yay XD More time to just stay home and more time to study. Perhaps the good energies and the stuff I’m looking forward to doing makes it quicker for me to recover from my Interruption XD Plus of course it helps to remember The Morning Sad as opposed to some other Morning, so all of my selves immediately brush off any related thoughts and ideas, and so the “stuff” are immediately discarded, making it easier and faster for me to move on again. Maybe last night was just quite unexpected and it was like the first time after a long time and I was a little bit disoriented. But anyway I’m feeling better now, so, another yay. XD

Interrupted

So yesterday, I was, uhm, interrupted. 

At first I was doing totally okay, but towards the evening, I was disoriented and my resolve was somewhat, trampled. I am quite annoyed - with myself. But then again, this is just a phase and I will be doing just fine again after a short while. I just need to remember what made me decide to drop the whole thing. The Morning Sad. Regardless of everything else before it. 

Hay. These halts are troublesome. 

Pretty Little Thing

Kawaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

>.<

(unsure)

First Day of Work

So it’s my first day of work in the new home ^.^ I didn’t work yesterday - I was cleaning and moving things and arranging my space all day. I moved here Monday night, after working in the empty house and saying goodbye to the trees and the house itself.

For some reason, I easily felt at home even on my first night ^.^ 

I also feel that when I left the old house, I left many other mental and emotional baggages ^.^

Cozy Home

Just got home from… home XD

I mean I just got home to our current ohme with my dad. We drove my mom to the other house. I also brought some of my stuff already and measured where I will place my bed. I also chose a curtain for my room and decided where to place the TV and other stuff. 

I also discovered a black cat (Black Cat!) at the corner of the street. He was calling out like my friend Cosi, and I think he also glared at me. I have yet to be sure though XD

The other house feels cozy already (^^,) Perhaps it’s also because it’s the first time I went there at night, plus the wind outside was cold, so everything felt pleasantly summery (^^,) 

Tomorrow morning, the moving-truck will take everything already except my computer and everything connected to my internet connection. So tomorrow after class, I will probably go home to the other house, then come here to work, then go home to the other house to sleep. Tuesday morning, the cable and internet lines will be transferred. So, everything else that’s left here will be taken there early Tuesday morning. 

Tomorrow evening I will say my farewell to the house, and to the backyard trees T.T Huling sleep ko na pala dito tonight *_* The room that housed all my personalities for the past nine years. *sigh* Hehe biglang nag-emote XD Sana the other house will witness better relationships and better people ^.^