The Shift

Suddenly, the following second, he was just not interested anymore.

Selling Letters

I was going through one of my favorite online shops and they are currently selling vintage Ms and vintage Ps. Those exact characters.

T.T

That isn’t right T.T Ms tend to be sold out and Ps tend to be worn out. Ms just gradually drift away and become strangely quiet T.T

Oyster Boy and Girls

Lee, one of our kendo batchmates, has returned from Japan on the last week of March, then last Saturday, she came by the dojo (^^,) She didn’t practice yet and will start practicing again this coming Saturday, so yay!

After kendo practice last weekend, we went out as usual, but we girls decided to go someplace else so we can catch up and have girl talk XD So Lee, Denise, my sister, and I went to Oyster Boy (because Denise was having a craving fit XD) and had two dozens of oysters and crab fat rice. As of this minute, buhay naman kaming lahat. After dinner we met up with the boys already and had coffee/tea/dessert at Kopi Roti then went home around 1 or 2 am. 

The dinner and time with the girls was like SUPER FUN and we had Top 5 lists of something that I can’t mention or else we all get into trouble XD But in any case it was really great, especially the bit about Sebastian and Lumiere and their sort of counterpart. XD

Sunday we went out again to watch a movie and have dinner, though last night before I fell asleep I went into a bit of a depression bout but I managed to fall asleep so I guess it’s okay. 

This morning I woke up somewhat bothered that I would get distracted at yoga, and would catch myself WONDERING WHAT THE HELL happened but I guess I knew already except that sometimes I get annoyed. 

>: |

Just woke up from a nap. Had a NIGHTMARE and the Third Seat was in it >:| He was being a very nasty person and I now woke up with a headache >:|

-_-

I have been very very very very very very sleepy lately. >.< I mean, I’m normally sleepy at certain times of the day, but lately is just, almost a killer. I just lean back my chair and I start dreaming. I don’t really have trouble sleeping lately, so it’s weird. I believe my sleeping time is also quite normal. 

Then this morning, I figured it must be because of a certain SHIFT. 

It’s a shift I choose not to write about yet. Or maybe not at all. Just thinking about it makes me SO tired already >.<

So basta, may shift. I knew it has come. I felt it as it came, and I felt it when it finally came. And I guess I am riding it smoothly, because most of the time things just became effortless for me, though I still need to get used to it. (I think it was most difficult as I felt the shift making its way, but got better when it has finally come.) Besides, I don’t know what this shift will bring about. I’m just trying to busy myself and I cross my fingers to hope for the best. 

PS. I am also trying not to miss anything. Otherwise, my resolve will be destroyed.

Butter

I just caused someone to melt like but-ter. *look of wide-eyed innocence*

>.<

“Good morning baby I hope I’m gonna make it through another day.”

@_@ *anxious*

Why do I feel like the Third Seat IS actually fading? @_@

Eight Full Hours (^^,)

Last night I climbed to bed around midnight, fell asleep about half an hour after that (spent time playing Animal Crossing: Wild World and thinking of the fading Third Seat), completely forgetting to set my alarm.

I woke up at 8:30! However  I feel grateful that I was able to sleep for about eight whole hours, so I am not as sickly anymore as I have been this past week (^^,) 

I had unpleasant dreams though There was a weird shiny orangey dance-studio-like place which was too small for kendo, but we had to practice kendo there so it was so difficult to move about, plus we can’t practice all at the same time >.< Then I realize that my real kendo girl friends were not around, and I was with some grade school classmates, the ditzy ones! And they wanted to hang out more outside the “dojo” so that passers-by can see them looking “cool” in their gi and hakama, and no one wanted to practice with me. I went inside looking for someone to practice with, but all the guys were gone because they finished ahead, and there were only two girls practicing with each others. I don’t know who they are, even in real life, and I was waiting for my turn, in case they let me play. However they were so intent on trying to “kill” each other so they didn’t want to stop. They were older than I am, and it seems they have been doing kendo for quite some time.

I went outside to ask my ditzy grade school classmates (one of them was the snooty girl who used to bully me in real life) if no one really wanted to practice kendo, and they said they’d rather be seen outside. I realize they were eating huge sandwiches and I knew they can’t possibly practice right after eating carbs. 

I stepped back inside the orangey studio and realized it has gotten quite dim, because it was nighttime already, so the palce looked like some cozy bar. The two serious kendo girls were still at it, and to my surprised I suddenly noticed that there was a reception table inside the “dojo, and there were a number of fully made-up women in super neat corporate suits, mostly in shades of gray, and they were all looking at me. I realize that these corporate officey looking women were the ones running the “dojo” and for a while I felt discouraged about staying in a dojo being run by these stiff women who won’t even get their hands dirty for anything and will neven do kendo for anything. I tried to tell them I want to practice, and they were like, yeah sure go ahead, without realizing that there are useless students outside and that I had no one to play with. 

After a while, my ex came, and suddenly he wanted to talk to me, and said he would like to watch me practice kendo once and for all. I thought it was useless because I had no one to play with, so I decided to just listen to him talk. After a while he told me that he has been feeling great and coping well because he is seeing this girl named APRIL TWILE, and I asked if it’s the same girl he has been having coffee with lately, and he said yes. I stood up and told him he shouldn’t have come all the way to see me just to tell me about some girl who is making him happy now. I wasn’t yelling, but something about what he did totally put me off. I was then suddenly filled with so many thoughts and magnified emotions, and I was wondering why the dojo is falling apart like that and why I am surrounded by unfriendly people and why my ex had to come by just to tell me something that I don’t need to hear. I woke up, grateful it was all just a nasty dream. 

Dowsing XD

Spent the late afternoon eating JAMAICAN CHERRIES off the trees in the backyard again, and this time I had a DOWSING ROD with me XD I just found it intertwined among the tree branches, so it did not fall to the ground. I took it and dowsed and found a treasure chest. 

Then I found a well, then I threw a gold coin into it, taking from the treasure chest. I made a wish. I wished for you. And then I wished for a boat. Then I wished for all the things that should be in the boat. Then I wished for the waves to bring us someplace far where there will be no one to stare or judge or mutter. I dropped several gold coins in the process, because I had many wishes XD

I went back to the house and took my Japanese stroller, and loaded it with the treasure, and placed them in my room. I then packed my Nordic fur coat, fur boots, and other clothes. I am prepared to eat seal meat and seal fat, and meet Iorek Byrnison. 

Okay, obviously, the only facts in this entry stop at the phrase “to the ground,” somewhere on the fourth line of the first paragraph. XD

XD

After writing the earlier entry, the anxiety grew back, and I was almost preparing myself for more anxious time, though I’ve been trying to let it go. 

Now, I am no longer agitated >.<

And then it’s just then I realized why I am no longer anxious >.< (Omg nakakahiya. LMAO.) Uhm. >.< Oh nooo. I’m just glad I am no longer anxious. Or at least THAT anxious. It’s just a little embarrassing when I realized why I’ve been anxious all day T.T 

It’s because since last night, I have sensed that strange kind of quiet, and I brushed it off last night, or during the wee hours, because I was already too tired physically from kendo and the late night out, and so I woke up to an anxious day, and the anxiety grew and so on, and only a while ago did I realize that I’ve been anxious because of the quiet I sensed >.<  Rrrrrghh. It’s like a totally different kind of “separation anxiety” and a very strange version I know Xp 

Picked Up

Was it melancholy? Sadness? Longing?

I am not quite sure because I don’t think I picked any of it up. Perhaps I was also wrapped up in my own thoughts and emotions.  

Adore

Sometimes, I just like looking at you. 

Happiness Latte with an Extra Shot of Ache with Whipped Up Illusions

That letting-go bit was quite difficult when I woke up this morning >.< Particularly on the area of my precious illusions. >.< 

Argh. >.<

Will need to be more focused on just letting everything go - everything that keeps me from moving foward and makes me feel achey. So. *struggles with moving forward*

>.<

*wants*

Stuck Here

Getting misty over you.

T.T

*achey* 

:(

Earplugs, onegai.

Just got home from kendo. I’m glad I lasted (^^,) Despite my mistakes by the time I got too tired to have the proper timing. (By the way, Takahashi-sensei was suddenly talking about “Garcia-san” joining “next year” at the “shiai in Hong Kong.” For a minute I wanted to hide while asking where that came from.)

Also, I have just made a decision >.< (Hindi na ‘to kendo related. I mean hindi na related sa kendo practice. >.<)

I won’t na >.<

I totally appreciate the kindness, but I realize I can hardly get it together when my ears start to bleed from my own required silence. My silence, which perpetuates the bleeding. Of my ears, my brains, my heart. My silence, which requires me to witness that which makes me bleed.

So, this will be the last. And I better stick to that decision AT ALL COSTS. 

>.<

Tsukareta

>.<

Sometimes when I am tired like this I wish I can

just

succumb

to

someone’s

embrace.

T.T

Anyway, pagod lang yan. Kasi naman di ba. Sana lahat kayo matino. 

Haha biglang nag-angst. 

Anyway, again, pagod lang yan. Ang katapat nyan ay:

• Clutter-clearing (baka naman mawalan na ko ng gamit nyan lmao) 
• Nice warm bath
• Kanji

Of course, it would still be nice if the knight in shining armor came riding in his valiant horse. Or the knight in bogu riding an Audi. Muhahahahhaa. Or an available knight in bogu riding some vehicle I dare not mention. Or kahit simpleng Prince of Persia lang. (LMAO) Prince of Persian cat. Mogget? Isdatchu? Didn’t you have a Persian parent? (Mogget replies: ngaw.)

I think this is all partly due to shift that I sense on an ethereal level. Like some big shift is brewing, carrying with it big, unexpected changes which are not a bad thing, but are disorienting in its own fashion. 

So, time for clutter-clearing. 

*sighs the way Punchy sighs in Petville* (or, well, all Petville pets do that)

Turtle Owners

So I was telling Madarame-kun to check out the new photos with OUR turtle. (Our, meaning my household.)

He asks: We have a turtle?

I respond: Yes. We have a turtle.

LMAO.

*amused*

Good Morning

This morning, I woke up with the Third Seat in my head (not my bed, though it rhymes) and I was wide awake. I still had half an hour before the alarm went off, so thankfully I managed to still get more sleep and I suddenly became too sleepy to be agitated. 

When the alarm went off, I slept a few minutes more then planned my day in my head. Started my day with yoga, then stepped out into the backyard to practice the kata that I have already forgotten (need help with kata >.<), then got distracted and went from tree to tree eating off the early morning JAMAICAN CHERRIES XD

Happiness (^^,)

Chokomochi

sings Imago.

Simple lang naman sana ang buhay kung ika’y matino.

(lmao)

Jamaican Cherry Day

In other words, aratilis XD I just like the name “Jamaican cherry” XD The flowers are also small and pretty and dainty like sakura XD (Is that magic? >.< Which reminds me, for several minutes this morning, my head was full of cherry blossom moments and it made me all dizzy and sugary.)

I spent several minutes this morning in the backyard, going from one aratilis tree to the other, picking the sweet berries and  eating them. Each aratilis was so sweet and quite warm because of the sun. Sweet and warm are just what I need XD So anyway, it was really nice and relaxing, and I love the warmth of the sun on my back, my  face, my heavily freckled arms, and my legs, and it was windy, and everything was just perfect. After a while I went back in the house.

Some time in the afternoon, I think I fell in love. 

It could just be a phase though. Or it could all be the happiness I feel and I mistake the giddiness for love. This could all just be pure joy. 

Okay, so looking back, it wasn’t love. I realize just now XD Maybe it has just all been pleasant and the relief I feel is cleverly disguised as comfort and love XD Oh my god, like what the. 

Anyway back to the local Jamaican cherries

I spent the afternoon fighting off zombies and chatting with an ostrich friend, but mostly fighting off zombies, until I lost and lost all motivation XD Just a while ago, I stepped out of my room to make coffee and look for cakes that don’t exist, then I found my mom in the backyard, so I stepped out instead with my coffee and imaginary cakes which dissipated into the late afternoon heat.  Then I found new berries turning red so I picked them and ate all that I found. The trees are happy to feed me anyway so I took as much as I wanted. I didn’t fall asleep like in fairy tales XD Although that would be great too if I woke up after my knight in shining armor found me, but then again I prefer bogu than shining armor. LMAO.

So, I ate more berries, though they were no longer warm, then came back in to finish my coffee.

I don’t know if it’s because of the tides, but a sort of agitation is creeping into my system, though I am brushing it off and reminding myself to focus on the cheerful aspect of myself and not on any form of aches. 

LOVE and CREATIVITY and TRUST in the Universe are the treasures I hold in my hands right now. I am not supposed to resist, nor push. I should focus on the light and let it guide me, instead of dwelling in the shadows and painfully wondering why it’s so dark. 

I will go listen to new music now (^^,) 

I love my friends (^^,)

This Weekend is Awesome (^^,)

It is! (^^,)

(Let me say though, that this sudden rush just right now, as I write this, is due to another unexpected fortunate thing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (^^,) I noticed how from that point, the energy level rose until I am bursting with smitten-kitteness XD)

So, apart from things falling into place since yesterday, and how things still seem to be falling in place today, pieces of me are finding their respective places in my wholeness, even if in trickles. (In trickles, because anyone can see how I have just switched in the past hour from sleepy to WIDE WIDE AWAKE @_@ and in a good way.)

Generally, Saturday was relaxed and seemed to just fleet by in a good way. I’ve had some anxious moments but they were insignificant compared to my general disposition and how my day went. Last night, I had worry dolls stay with me during the night and I was able to sleep well, though I woke up quite early. 

In the morning, I suddenly had one of my rare TV-moods so I went back to bed after breakfast and a bit of internet, and then as I watched various shows I fell asleep again and woke up around noon. Had lunch with my sister who came to visit, then read a bit of Fruits Basket, then had another nappie  

Woke up mid afternoon to prepare for kendo, then went to kendo. As usual, I was lost in kata but Takahashi-sensei taught me and Chiao because I think we were waaay too lost XD Plus I think he overheard my panicky tone as I asked Chiao what I’m supposed to do next as he stared at me as if I was raving mad (lmao). So finally I got it (and hope to do it right again next time). Sensei is awesome (^^,)

I gave out tiny Boracay tokens for some girls during the break (^^,) I will give Denise hers when I see her next time. She passed her shodan exam by the way yay (^^,) 

After kendo practice I spent some time talking to some friends and it somehow helped me get my mind off some things and I felt so much lighter as I headed to my sister’s place. My kendo friends are awesome (^^,) (Plus one of them thought I was 6 years younger than my actual age muhahaha. I was also surprised he is older than I thought he was. Then I said, so that’s why you guys don’t take me seriously and treat me like a child!!! And he laughed because it was partly true Well at least now he knows I’m all grown up XD)

Then we had dinner and saw a movie, and on our way to bring Zig home, we had a major laugh trip because of some strange idea that the boys had which took me a while to get, and they were laughing so hard that Mao couldn’t drive with watery eyes and Zig was bent over with too much laughter that he couldn’t breathe. When I finally got it my face was so wet and sticky with tears and my stomach was hurting from so much laughter. 

Today I also received and opened birthday presents from some kendo friends and they were totally awesome too (^^,) *hearts* 

The magic of cherry blossoms also seemed to stir a bit today, since yesterday actually, somewhere inside me. *slightly enchanted*

I’ve also been accompanied by some new beautiful music that makes my heart beat fast that my face turns somewhat red. Although that is difficult to see because I’m tanned and so not pale yellow-green

I was a bit sad and paranoid about something, but because things have been falling into place and pieces of me are gathering up, plus I learned from the insights I heard from the people around me today, it wasn’t really anything hellish. Plus I have decided to really get myself together so I was taking all of it as a major push for me to do so. 

And then I received something totally totally totally unexpected, and it was a nice nice nice surprise (^^,) My paranoia has just been thrown away just like THE SCONES (lmao). (Omg. I CANNOT get over the scones scene in the Alice movie. Most people would have forgotten it by now, or remember it but not find anything funny in it, but I did, and my stomach hurts from so much laughing at it.) I am also no longer as sad about the something as I was, plus I guess it does not really “ruin” my decision to get myself together, but instead supports it, in a context that is SO much easier for me to move in (^^,) So now I somehow feel “freer” in it and less scared. I’m sure I will have moments but still I totally think this weekend is awesome because it has loads of pleasant surprises and things falling into place and pieces of me finding their way back to their appropriate places (^^,)

On another note, though, by the way, I heard something about a bruise and I cannot accept the idea of him getting hurt like that

Anyway that was just a bit of an off-track note. Just had to let it out of my system. Besides, I am so not in any position to MEDDLE :p

Back to awesomeness. *brush off earlier note* This weekend is really awesome (^^,) Hope the awesomeness extends to forever XD Certain kendo friends really made a difference and I believe I learned important stuff, plus the magic stirring within helped me balance myself, plus there was so much laughter, plus very pleasant surprises, and I am just bursting with hearts and sparkles (^^,) And yes, I’m totally like rainbow sprinkles (^^,)

From Getting By to Moving On

but this won’t work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

*wonders*

Beach Mode

So I won’t be around for the next few days - hopefully my mind will also be at rest for the time being (^^,)

I have started and finished my packing just tonight, after dinner. My sister helped me and Denise explored my room and Mao bullied us and paced around the house, while Allan spent some time chit chatting with my mom in the backyard, where we thought Wonderland had swallowed them

I’m so happy because they all enjoyed dinner (my sister and I treated them to Juanita), after which we came to my house so I could pack. (Denise wrote incriminating evidence of things on my mini blackboard and my whiteboard!! Hehe.)

Then tomorrow, off to the beach!! (^^,) Finally

I’m still wide awake, though >.< 

Kendo-wise, practice was generally okay. I just felt a little scattered. (By the way, 4-moggs, formerly known as Ryan-kun, will be here on the 19th so he can practice with us on the 20th yay.) Saigo no keiko was something I was just thinking of, seconds before it took place, and it was intensified by a really pleasant scent that I totally like. Fixating again >.<

Lost in This Carnival

Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
To shut my eyes
And play along
Hypnotized
Paralyzed
By what my eyes have found
By what my eyes have seen

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
Have I been strong
Have I been
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have found
In that great street carnival

Was listening to random music lang this morning and it just stood out and found it so apt >.<

In any case, I am currently desensitizing myself, and I think I am doing really well, and I need to desensitize myself so that I am unaffected in any unusual way by his presence (or absence). I can’t keep holding my breath for the next moment. I can’t keep wincing when he writes or posts something that is clearly not for me. I can’t keep living in a secret universe which cannot fit into where I really am, everyday of my life. 

Mrrrrf

Yes, it is simply morphing. 

Just a slightly different medium. A different set of words. Perhaps even different characters. Different representations.

But essentially

the same thing.

>.<

And this time, a group of my selves are telling me to stay quiet so as not to bring LIGHT into the situation. 

So currently, I stay in the dark, my selves on guard, watching, waiting, CLINGING, but not too tightly. 

But yes, it has just simply MORPHED. Cloaked with something else, CLEVERLY DISGUISED as something else. 

At least this time, I think I am standing at a safe distance, and it might be easier to run away if I have to. You know, to preserve myself. 

Lines, 4

Oh, I’m scared all right. 

Haven’t you noticed, I’m

only shy when I like a man. 

And to tell the truth

I’m not sure love is worth

the risk of losing friendship.

It would’ve been easy. 

I could have claimed

I was afraid of the dark.

I am, you know. Afraid, I mean.

Lines, 1

Based on the previous entry, here are the first of the favorite lines I came across as I browsed. I don’t remember when I highlighted/underlined these lines, though. Different markers were used for different parts, so I guess I always highlighted something new whenever I reread the book (^^,) They were probably marked and highlighted for various reasons with various people in mind >.< This time, though, these lines may have conjured up a different face in my mind. >.< (It’s not really this intense, but the face came to mind nevertheless.)

I am the swallower of sins.

The lust goddess without guilt.

The delicious debauchery. You bring out

the primordial exquisiteness in me.

The nasty obsession in me.

The corporal and venial sin in me.

The original transgression in me. 

As Awake as Morning

Last night after kendo, I worked some more, then had dinner while catching up on Bleach. When I stopped the last time, I finished the episode after the battle of Ichigo and Grimmjow - but since that was like ages ago, I’ve been playing the last few episodes before that one, and last night I was at episode 118 and 119 and I totally totally love the battle between Ikkaku and Arrancar 13, when ***spoiler*** Ikkaku released his ban kai and was able to defeat the Arrancar. I was also able to recall when Ikkaku first met Ken-chan and Yachiru and how they came to be in the same squad.

After a while I was starting to get sleepy so I decided it was best to read a bit then go to sleep, so I can start early today. However, several minutes after I closed my eyes, I found my body achey and agitated, not really because of kendo, but because my mind was SO AWAKE and it has been playing different kind of music at the same time, and has been flashing various scenarios, both those from my memory and those conjured by my head. I slowly opened my eyes and realized I was as awake as morning and that it was useless to keep pretending to sleep. >.<

Since I didn’t want to get out of bed and wake myself even more, I just logged on through my phone and checked some stuff, and impulsively sent a message about my insomnia >.< Immediately after that, I fell asleep >.< What the. 

My sleep was fitful, though, and I woke up tired and slightly anxious. 

Letting the Dust Settle

Was up at 5 AM *smug* (lmao) Did yoga in the deafening silence of the hour, and it was so early that I could still hear the house sleeping soundly and breathing slowly. After yoga I stepped out to the front yard and practiced kata and everything was so quiet! (Obviously I am not used to 5 AM.) Then, I went back in for breakfast (^^,)

I feel, however, that I will be so drowsy later that I will feel like I’m going to die I slept at some time past midnight. I was actually still wide awake, but I told myself to sleep and surprisingly, I obeyed. I fell asleep, though fitfully, and I kept getting up every hour or so :T My dreams were so chaotic I can’t remember them, except for the last one before 5 AM where I was looking at a bowl or platter of fruits, and the colors were so sharp that they hurt my eyes. I remember seeing apples which are way too red, grapes that are way too purple, and kiwis sliced in half and which are way too green. As I woke up, my last thought in the dream was that “kiwi-lime is good, but maybe as a drink and not as anything else,” and by “anything else” I think I was thinking of ice cream and cake. 

Before I got out of bed, my first conscious thoughts were last night’s agonizing state of being discovered. 

Like I know, anyone can see it, but it wasn’t supposed to be spelled out for anyone. 

In any case. That’s done, and it’s NOT gonna kill me or anything. 

I just have this slight uncomfortable feeling though that it has made him wary/uncomfortable/freaked out, and I won’t be surprised if he had to succumb to the shelter of her. Not that he needs protection from me, but I am used to how some can find me quite overwhelming or draining at times. 

So. Moving forward. I guess the uncomfortable phase has passed, hence the high energy level last night and the fitful sleep. Besides, I felt like cold water has been poured over me. Last night pa lang :p

I feel confident, though, that I have started moving towards a safe distance again, so I am no longer as distraught. Or so I think. Maybe it’s because the whole thing is just morphing into something else that looks safer and less threatening, though is still something essentially the same. (unsure)

In any case, now that the dust is settling in my world from last night, I just need to keep trying moving forward and away from this deadend. Deadend deadend deadend.  

Green Love

I just remembered. Last night’s dream was being engaged in a chat conversation with the Artificial Sweetener. I don’t remember what it was about exactly, but I know it was nothing special. Towards the end of the dream, he wrote a long message, though I forgot what it said. I just remember that it was all in green font and the last sentence in that long message said I love you in all caps. Very strange dream.

Minty is Out

ALTHOUGH

The craving for fruits is freely declared. Hesitantly at first, and then declared nevertheless. 

I SO want my fruit >.<

Shift

So, apart from being the Queen of Delaying Tactics, I am also becoming the Queen of Flakiness. 

To my (pleasant) surprise, he broke the ice that has been tormenting me as if it were Rukia-chan’s Zanpakutou. Okay, well not “tormenting,” I just remembered it was some of my selves doing that :p But, anyway, I’ve kind of built a fortress around me while muttering my regrets, recalling certain things, and listening to Why Can’t I. So…

Somehow, and I don’t know exactly in what manner, I have shifted from being agitated and achey to being mildly sedated and… well still achey, but I feel more grown up all of a sudden (especially since I just put up my new superlight Japanese corkboard by myself and I used a ribbon with silver lines to hang it) and oddly inspired (not in a SPARKLY manner, but I probably mean I am more eager to move forward) and somewhat glad and somewhat relieved. And yes, all those at the same time. 

By the way I am so full right now because I just had some cheese, and coffee, and then I ate my words for dessert (back in the list). I feel somewhat lighter though that I was able to explain why, even if it was just a fraction of the whole reason and I am not sure if anything I said made sense to him. Anyway I guess things are much clearer now, even if it’s never gonna be the same as before, ever, and somehow it’s nice to find happiness in these little moments, and to be able to give happiness too. Actually I think that’s the nice part of it, that I am able to GIVE it too. 

Why Can’t I

Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you

(Liz Phair on loop)

:(

T.T

Darn

*ache*

*miss*

I was so wrong. SO wrong. 

Dapat kasi nag-brush off na ako early on pa lang The same thing I usually do to everybody else. But I DIDN’T. >: ( 

Saisho no Keiko

Somehow, it keeps recurring in my head all day :T And I realized just now it was the first. 

So now, time to move on. Enough na

:’(

*sniff*

:’(

I Have to Stop

I will need to learn to stop looking forward to the conversations and the messages and everything. To prevent myself from constantly looking to see if he’s around, I had to delete. That way I won’t have to keep checking to see if he’s just there, seemingly available.

>.<

ARGH.

It’s so ironic that my day started out so happy, and now everything sucks all of a sudden.

I should have listened to what my Runes told me. 

Oh darn I hate this. 

Chokomochi

misses

and

wants

the

Third

Seat.

>.<

Pacing

The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get

You seem like you’d be a good dad.

Got stuck to my head as I listened to No Doubt this morning >.<

Insomnia Over I

Wasn’t able to sleep right away last night. I was so tired from a day of shopping and walking and helping out with chores, but I couldn’t sleep right away. Only til I admitted that my mind was full of Third Seat thoughts and let myself indulge in it that I was able to fall asleep.

I know it’s crazy how I keep switching like Amu-chan >.< I guess my defense mechanisms are working full-blast. It’s the uncertainty of one and the unavailability of the other. >.< How FRUSTRATING. 

In the Morning

I woke up feeling the intensity of the magic of cherry blossoms. 

I guess the uncertainty of the other option is adding to it. 

Not that this one is certain, but there is magic nonetheless, and that in itself is hope.

Post-Deed

I was telling some friends how I notice that the intensity has lessened ever since I did The Deed. Perhaps it’s finally being able to let it out. I still think he is marvelous, though, but I am no longer in a frenzied state. I am sometimes even more frenzied by the Third Seat. Anyway, again, just one day at a time. I get too tired when I try to think ahead. 

A Friend’s Dream

Today, or yesterday, Cecile suddenly told me that she had a dream the other day about me - she said it  was so weird because she suddenly found me with the Third Seat, and it was like we were together and we had CHILDREN. 

>.<

Subdued (^^,)

Currently, I just feel quietly cheerful - very very far from the anxiety I’ve been feeling for the past few days (^^,)

I feel like I was suddenly subdued, I mean my selves are not even arguing that much. I’m sure some of them are still whispering among themselves, but there are just a few of them and the rest would really not rather take part, and are just enjoying the happy stillness of things (^^,)

Right now I just feel happy and like I can sleep very peacefully for long hours (^^,)

(^^,)

Apparently

Momo = shiawase no

(^^,)

Anata mo

(^^,)