About Haku-chan

あきもせずにあなたのことをかんがえてる… 

(Please click to continue reading this post.)

あなたのidol

All afternoon, I have been listening to… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

もう、大好き >.<

“ほんのすこしわかりあえたころ

“そんああなたをかんじている

“I will love you.”

(I Will Love You ~ゆい)

Shiver

A dyslexic version. 

That or he sings it. 

Better *_*

So, after over a couple of hours, I started feeling somewhat better. 

Partly it was because of text messages exchanged with Nova, who is clearly a breathing living human being, and of the chats with my sister who just woke up from a nap/finished doing chores before going out with Mao. I think by that time too, the tides were shifting or something connected to it, and then I could hear my parents talking downstairs in light conversational tones, plus the house was starting to rest and ease into the weekend, so I guess I also started feeling less anxious. After a while I decided to have a tiny bit of dinner, then had a small chat with my mom, and then I took another bath. Halfway through my bath I realized I was feeling a little better. So now, I am ready to work, and the idea of a weekend is clearer to me now. 

So now, I will work on a current project. While wearing my favorite jimjams and having my hair up. And of course, there will be music. (Right now it’s “Great Divide” by The Cardigans.)

>.<

”むくちになるのはことばじゃたりないきもちがあふれてるから。”

>.<

サイバさま。。。

おかしい >.<

“今すぐあいたいよだけどそらはとべないから。” 

(ほうきぼし、ようんは）

>.< 

Why do I feel this wayyyyyyyyy >.<

Productive Peachness

Today is so productive! (^^,) Plus I notice how lately, things are clearing up and SPACE in its various forms are becoming available to me and to better things (^^,)

So apart from taking the big steps I mentioned yesterday, today also covered a lot of “harvesting” (this being The Year of Harvest and all). 

Morning, I was able to stick to my To Do list, and then I worked, and I finished early, so I was able to move everything else to an earlier time, though one of my chores took time, but that’s okay. So anyway, I was also able to stick to my To Do list for after working time (partly with the help of some Idol # 3 XD). I was able to clean one of my closets and found that I have more space in the uppermost part than I thought I did. Then, I was finally able to clean and check the computer I am selling, and was able to list down the specs and take out everything from my room, which means getting back some space in my room which used to be occupied by the CPU and monitor.

After cleaning up and everything, I took my nth bath, had dinner, then began studying for the final exams. I just studied for a couple of hours because I’ve been having a fitful sleep since Sunday night, and I always had kanjis and picture drawings in my dreams, where I had to tell if something is ue or shita or naka or tonari or whatever, while writing kanji in the air. SO weird. So anyway tonight I was able to finish reviewing and practice writing Kanji, further to the review and practice I did last Sunday >.< I have to work hard because I get confused when it’s time to write them or to read them as part of a cluster of kana. So, tomorrow I start reviewing my notes, then the book, then all the “bunch of papers” (as Keita-san put it). It is all organized now, I just need to go through all of the materials >.< 

So anyway I just had to write a bit about my productive day because I have some energy left and I need to use it up so I won’t stay awake til 3 am. I’m kind of… hyper. I can feel it.

I didn’t forget this part, I just didn’t want to lump it up with the chorey parts and work parts >.< I was able to resolve another thing today, and I think it’s good because I was able to let it out of my system and I no longer feel any trace of anger or annoyance, and I am guessing it’s good to go back to how our friendship was before, and I know I sound weird now because this just seemed to pop out of nowhere. In a nutshell, of course I’d still get those occasional Black Hole moments but generally things have somewhat been ironed out and now all is just… safe.

I really believe so far I’ve done good things and have been cleaning up >.< I guess it would really pay to be my version of a Third Assistant Librarian, and my Disreputable Dog will be the music that makes my heart beat fast - my companion at any time (^^,)

Of course though, something will have to come, I mean good things, not Stilken. XD

Time to sleep! Oyasumi >.<

Last, I realize I still have a bag of minty kisses. The last batch of all of it. They have stopped multiplying a long time ago and will only be left to rot in the bag, so I am sending the last of them to where minty kisses ought to go. So I reach in and send them out to their appropriate inappropriate recipient. And then there will be none, and everything will be much sober, though it would be a nice kind of sober, the one without headaches. So yeah, moving forward

I’m still WIDE awake but I am sure I will start to relax once I have a book in my hands (^^,)

Tomorrow has Cake! (^^,)

I need to water my plant now >.< I almost forgot. Oyasumi. (wave)

*iPod to my ears* 

An Automatic Playlist

Unconsciously, these just started playing in my head last night after having to deal with the presence of someone. In this order.  

You Really Got a Hold On Me

Black Hole

Got Me

Take It Back

The Morning Sad 

At least the order was right. Perhaps it was like going through the motions in musical form. And then I continue walking on. It just kind of contributed to how I woke up this morning though. This plus other things. All boiling down to Something I Don’t Like and Something I Do Not Wish to Dwell On.

So now it’s like wanting to be a Third Assistant Librarian to get the mind off not having gained the Sight yet.

I guess then, it’s time to be a Third Assistant Librarian. And better to take steps now though my heart is as crushed as the first Paperwing.  

Kanji Game XD

In class today we had a Kanji game, and it was SUPER fun XD Of course, deadma na kung bata ang kalaban ko - it was all about WRESTLING (and screaming for us girls) for the right Kanji card XD I have this funny memory in my head of screaming and grabbing one of the Kanji cards from Ryoma-chan XD Anyway our team won XD We took home Dairy Milks XD 

Prior to that we had our famous (at least in our class), or one of the famous dialogues, the one with Miraa-san and Kimura-san XD My partner was Louie-san and at first he was decided to be as stoic and spaced out as the actual Miraa-san. So we went to the front and brough props (cell phones) and he rang my phone to make it realistic XD

However, when the part came for Kimura-san to decline Miraa-san’s invitation for the date, Louie-san started acting weepy and crushed, and unintentionally turned into a goat XD

Today was super fun (^^,)

Well, every class is fun but today was super because of the Kanji game excitement XD And it has been extra fun ever since the invisible barriers were taken away unknowingly by A Fateful Day XD

So anyway, one thing I learned was to target the bombugu-ya XD

By the way, and this is totally unrelated to my Japanese topic XD I had my haircut yesterday XD I was supposed to have it done by the usual hairstylist I go to but I didn’t know it was his off, but it was the only time I could get a haircut, and besides it was more of just a sidebangs cut. So when my parents and sister went to the mall, I tagged along and just decided to go to any salon I find For The Meantime. Then I found this salon which I think is run by a Korean couple, and it was the Korean guy who cut my hair, and I totally love what he did to me XD For a while there I felt like a momoko doll whose hair was being styled for something huge. Loooove love love love. Of course now I look more everydayish, but yesterday I stepped out of the salon feeling like… a doll. XD In a good way of course XD I even LOVE the way he tied back my hair in a ponytail (I also realized no one has tied my hair up in a ponytail for a long time XD) since I came in wearing a ponytail, except he twirled some of the hair at the sides of my head, which, amazingly, suddenly looked perfect XD And then each time he asked “Do you like it?” I wanted to scream “I love it!” XD 

So back to stuff NOT related to my hair, I am also glad I decided to work today XD Earlier today I was feeling a little ill but when I came back home I decided to work offline so I was able to bring the laptop (I am using a temporary computer because my real computer is in the Computer Hospital) to my bed and I worked as the weather changed from hot and sunny to rainy and chilly. So, I was able to finish work today and was able to do a lot, and enjoyed the weather while I was at it.

The rainy season has started I guess. I love it too! I love the heat of the summer but I love the chill of the rainy days too (^^,)

By the way, Aisha Duo and rainy weather equal Perfection. (^^,)

*Love love love* (^^,)

(Note to self: I am trying to ignore my SLIGHT, oh so SLIGHT fixation on a person template currently residing in my head. I guess it helps, though, that someone Super Super Kawaii is balancing that. So it is all just about the Happy Feelings XD) 

O_O

*WARY*

O_O

*stares*

*remembers a song*

Sighs at Dusk

Take It Back

She & Him

>: |

Go ahead and keep listening to that song, maybe it will convince you that you aren’t being dishonest and you will always be the nice innocent person you are projecting to be. *fuming*

I suddenly hate him so much >:|

Cozy (Long) Weekend (^^,)

It’s my first weekend here in our new home (^^,) 

Last night when Mao and my sister drove me home, my sister mentioned that this new home is really so homey and cozy and the energies are so nice which makes her like to come over. I then realized it’s my first weekend here so yay (^^,) Plus, it’s a long weekend so more yay XD More time to just stay home and more time to study. Perhaps the good energies and the stuff I’m looking forward to doing makes it quicker for me to recover from my Interruption XD Plus of course it helps to remember The Morning Sad as opposed to some other Morning, so all of my selves immediately brush off any related thoughts and ideas, and so the “stuff” are immediately discarded, making it easier and faster for me to move on again. Maybe last night was just quite unexpected and it was like the first time after a long time and I was a little bit disoriented. But anyway I’m feeling better now, so, another yay. XD

Interrupted

So yesterday, I was, uhm, interrupted. 

At first I was doing totally okay, but towards the evening, I was disoriented and my resolve was somewhat, trampled. I am quite annoyed - with myself. But then again, this is just a phase and I will be doing just fine again after a short while. I just need to remember what made me decide to drop the whole thing. The Morning Sad. Regardless of everything else before it. 

Hay. These halts are troublesome. 

Wake Up

The Morning Sad

So This is Mine

“You didn’t even care if it got me down.”

Cycle

I’m a tree that grows hearts

one for each that you take.

Wants <shishishishishishishi>

I think you’re just so pleasant

I would like you for my own

O_o

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it’s not a matter of you versus me
It’s fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it’s always me alone

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

Got Me

Don’t know how you won my heart

’cause I locked it

^.^

Gonna Get Along Without You Now

All I Want

With all this noise crashing through my head

I will be silent with him in my bed

Game

Another you so I can love you more.

Stopped

I hang around

for another round

until 

something stops me

And then, something stopped me. Oh so abruptly. 

Play Dead

darling stop confusing me
with your wishful thinking
hopeful embraces
don’t you understand?
i have to go through this
i belong to here where
no-one cares and no-one loves
no light no air to live in
a place called hate
the city of fear

i play dead
it stops the hurting

Super. Amazing. Dream.

I’ve read somewhere that taking naps in the morning can give you lucid or at least very clear dreams. I’ve experienced this many times, though there is nothing really spectacular about them. If I do have great dreams, I move on from them as soon as I get out of bed.

However. Today. I overnapped. And I fell asleep with a Peaches song on loop (because I wanted to fall asleep as it drones in my ears so that my mind focuses on the beat and not on anything else, no mental images, no thoughts, as in just following the beat). 

And then I had a super super vivid AMAAAAAZING dream. And I overnapped because when it went off, I turned it off then continued my dream. And I was able to. And it was SUPER SUPER SUPER AMAAAAAAZING >.<

I just decided to get up because my mom sent a text message and my thoughts have been disrupted, so I knew I can’t go back to it. Anyway I’ve had the dream at a long-enough period so I guess that would do for now >.< So I got up to make myself coffee to FULLY wakeup, but now I know that I am fully in the mood to work and move about. Super AMAZING. Really. I feel a little shaky though and I have imaginary aches but it was one of my BEST, MOST AMAZING DREAMS EVER! >.< I have to stop now because I can’t stop talking about it and how amazing it is. God. AMAZING. >.< 

I wonder if it had anything to do with Peaches on loop but it definitely took my mind off other things >.<

Last: SUPER AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING. SUPER, REALLY. >.<

Rise and Shine

I want to be alone for a while

I want the earth to breathe to me

I want the waves to grow loud

I want the sun to bleed down

See the waves go down

See the moon alone

I raise my head and whisper

Rise and shine

I want to see the wounded moon

I want the sea to break through

I want it all to be gone tomorrow

So I’ve come to say goodbye.

>.<

“Good morning baby I hope I’m gonna make it through another day.”

Stuck Here

Getting misty over you.

T.T

*achey* 

:(

Oh Noes.

It’s late. It’s like a quarter past midnight and I am still in front of the computer, a certain song still on loop >.<

Not that I’m an insomniac tonight - I know that I will fall asleep immediately when my head hits the pillow. In fact, it’s been like that for the past few nights! Isn’t that SUPER GREAT? (^^,)

So, it’s also not because I got addicted to Kanji. In fact, I did not study tonight >.<

Based on one of my previous entries about what to do, yes I was able to do a bit of clutter clearing and I cleaned the area in my room where I keep my bogu, yoga and exercise stuff, and other things. However, I was not able to stick to my plan of bath-dinner-Kanji-sleep. 

As I took a bath, a creative idea came to me, and I got all fired up and started writing down my thoughts as soon as I got out, with a towel still wrapped around my head. I wrote down all I could think of about it, then started the creative thing. 

I decided to skip Kanji and postpone dinner to around 11 pm, the time when my mom comes home from a prayer meeting. Naturally, sleep has been pushed back too, so sana magising pa ako nang maaga at magkaron ng energy for kendo. And if makarating ng kendo, sana mag-last at mag-survive. I will try to take a nap before kendo, it will help. 

So, I chose to focus on the creative thing while the creative juices were flowing, and I knew I should start it already before the excitement dies away. Besides, my horoscope for this week told me that I should find a way for my emotions to have an outlet through creative means hehehe. I’ve been kind of agitated all afternoon and evening that I knew I had to be able to do something to use up all that energy. Obviously I am still releasing some, although I’m feeling less alert now, so I will be climbing to bed in a while. 

But, I’ve started with the creative thing. (^^,) So far I like how it looks. It’s nothing big, really, but I just liked the idea and all the stuff that came to my head as I took a bath.

Will now read a bit of Fruits Basket then sleep na. Oyasumi, minasan! (wave)

Chokomochi

sings Imago.

Simple lang naman sana ang buhay kung ika’y matino.

(lmao)

Inspiring My Sweet Selves

From Getting By to Moving On

but this won’t work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

Lost in This Carnival

Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
To shut my eyes
And play along
Hypnotized
Paralyzed
By what my eyes have found
By what my eyes have seen

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
Have I been strong
Have I been
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have found
In that great street carnival

Was listening to random music lang this morning and it just stood out and found it so apt >.<

In any case, I am currently desensitizing myself, and I think I am doing really well, and I need to desensitize myself so that I am unaffected in any unusual way by his presence (or absence). I can’t keep holding my breath for the next moment. I can’t keep wincing when he writes or posts something that is clearly not for me. I can’t keep living in a secret universe which cannot fit into where I really am, everyday of my life. 

Shift

So, apart from being the Queen of Delaying Tactics, I am also becoming the Queen of Flakiness. 

To my (pleasant) surprise, he broke the ice that has been tormenting me as if it were Rukia-chan’s Zanpakutou. Okay, well not “tormenting,” I just remembered it was some of my selves doing that :p But, anyway, I’ve kind of built a fortress around me while muttering my regrets, recalling certain things, and listening to Why Can’t I. So…

Somehow, and I don’t know exactly in what manner, I have shifted from being agitated and achey to being mildly sedated and… well still achey, but I feel more grown up all of a sudden (especially since I just put up my new superlight Japanese corkboard by myself and I used a ribbon with silver lines to hang it) and oddly inspired (not in a SPARKLY manner, but I probably mean I am more eager to move forward) and somewhat glad and somewhat relieved. And yes, all those at the same time. 

By the way I am so full right now because I just had some cheese, and coffee, and then I ate my words for dessert (back in the list). I feel somewhat lighter though that I was able to explain why, even if it was just a fraction of the whole reason and I am not sure if anything I said made sense to him. Anyway I guess things are much clearer now, even if it’s never gonna be the same as before, ever, and somehow it’s nice to find happiness in these little moments, and to be able to give happiness too. Actually I think that’s the nice part of it, that I am able to GIVE it too. 

Why Can’t I

Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you

(Liz Phair on loop)

Eep.

So, I was seriously focusing on work, playing random songs and a particular song I heard for the first time seemed to scream out at me.

Goodbye, my almost lover.

Goodbye, my hopeless dream.

I’m trying not to think about you.

Eep. Great. A Fine Frenzy as the artist and a fine frenzy as my state. 

Pacing

The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get

You seem like you’d be a good dad.

Got stuck to my head as I listened to No Doubt this morning >.<

While In This Phase

I was listening to some Bjork this morning as I worked and then somehow this grabbed my attention. I used to have it on loop before because I liked it so much and then somehow it seemed to speak of This phase I’m in. Perhaps not all of it, so I just picked out some lines >.<

Your flirt finds me out

As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn’t mind perhaps
Spending little time with you
Ssometimes
Sometimes
 

By the way I speak of it as a phase, because I assume there is an end to this (please see previous entry) - shouldn’t there? I mean as I mentioned before, it’s a kind of deadend. And of course there is the Plan to prepare for, and fulfill, and see how it will change things. But then again we don’t know if The phase will cross over that, I really have no idea. I can’t put my finger on it, because sometimes I have this huge desire in me to just RUN AWAY (like earlier tonight, upon realizing the presence of a sea of… others) but sometimes it is so intense I have to grit my teeth and other times I just want it The phase to end so that things will just stay less complicated. Most of the time though, I feel like running away to prevent damage and preserve myself. 

Okay, I admit it’s weird saying all that after Bjork’s lyrics. Clearly, my mind has kind of gone awry. Perhaps it’s because it’s almost time for the Plan. Although… last night, I was telling myself I should be more enthusiastic and… committed… if I am to do this, so that I would naturally just do things out of passionately wanting to accomplish it. But then again, it’s good to be a little dead? Detached? So that if things don’t exactly go right (hey aren’t those the exact opposite of all your rune readings? ~ another self) I would be a little numb to the punch. So just a tiny little bit, I faltered again last night about my decision. 

It amazes me sometimes how I can let a deadend make me have second thoughts about choosing a totally open path. >.<

This afternoon, though, (oh my god the train of thought is getting even longer ~ yet another self) I was thinking that perhaps it’s just the Idea of it but not really It, plus somehow it’s a taste of what I am looking for although it’s coming from the wrong sources.

Other selves, though, still say I don’t know what is going to happen next. 

So, given that, *sigh* I am going back to the runes after all. (Perhaps all the thinking is part of the whole process.) Be careful  with one thing, and be assured of another, though I should remember not to lose myself in it. 

(Yes that sounded so easy but I am in the MIDDLE of huge effin’ PIE.)

Hitler Dream

I was listening to Radio Iodine and when I heard “this Hitler list that runs my life.” I suddenly remembered the dream I had last night (or this morning, since I slept at 3 AM).

I was in a classroom and i was panicking. It was the first week of classes; I think I was in some law school. I then found out that my classmates did an advanced reading of the book the week before, so they had a good grasp of the first topic already. Then I got even more terrified when I realized that our teacher was HITLER. I was trying so hard not to be seen, and didn’t want to look him in the face. 

Oddly, the entire dream was in black and white, even though I normally dream in color. 

What do you think it means?

おしえてください

Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.

It Lingered

“Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.”

(Sandalwood, Lisa Loeb)

Trying My Best (^^,)

“A passionate kiss! This “youthful” kiss!
“I love you when you’re trying your best, like now.

“The best kiss! The “all-out” kiss!

“I want to show you these feelings that fill my heart.

“Aishiteru.”

(Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! ~Buono)

Intense

“あまくてせつない

“おもいがつのるの｡”

(Lonely Rolling Star)

*_*

From Somewhere in Nihon to Me *wistful*

Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

(Love Song, The Cure/311)

Moving Forward

A translation from the song “Life” by Yui, which I mentioned in one of my previous entries: 

“But I really can’t express everything that’s in my heart
“It’s because it’s not simple that I can go on living.”

Parting

the smile that waver inside tears

is the promise of the world since the beginning of time

even if now you’re alone, from the yesterday when you were two

glittering today’s arisen

as the day you met for the first time

you are not inside memories

come as a gentle breeze to graze my cheek

even after parting in an afternoon, sunshine leaking through leaves

the promise of the world never dies

now you’re alone, but tomorrow’s limitless

you taught me

the gentleness hidden in the night

you are not inside memories

you live forever into the melody of a brook,

in the colour of this sky, in the fragrance of flowers 

(from: Sekai no Yakusoku) 

Been Awake for 22.5 Hours

“Crimson and clover, soon he’s taken over all my senses now.”

(L. Phair)