Family Time (^^,)

Since my sister moved out, we rarely get to go out as a family anymore like we did before, when we would go someplace together and share meals together. Tuesday of last week, I asked my sister to come with me to the mall to look for a certain kind of battery for my Palm. We decided to have our dad come with us to help me look for it, and then my mom decided to join. So we all went to the mall to look for it, and in the process my sister was finally able to taste Manila Scramble, which my dad brought home for me and my mom before, and she totally loved it. I got one for me too (^^,) 

So after (unsuccessfully) looking for a battery, we also visited this really nice Japanese store, Saizen, which is basically a hyaku-en shop brought here to Manila. They sell most of the same stuff being sold in the hyaku-en shop I visited in Yokohama before, which I guess are mostly the same kinds of things sold in other hyaku-en shops in Japan. I have visited their store before and shopped for so many things, so I was excited to go back last Tuesday, since I rarely get to visit the particular mall where Saizen is located. Here are some of the stuff I bought last week:

An incense holder which looks like a traditional Japanese garden lamp. I think you can also place tea lights inside, though I have yet to try it. I immediately bought it because it looks really nice (^^,) Here it is, with Reina-chan sitting next to it. I think she also loves the Japanese-garden-lamp-look. 

Despite having tons of erasers, I bought just ONE pack of Iwako erasers:

I also bought functional stuff like travel tissues XD And I specifically bought this because of the cute packaging XD

After over an hour of going through all the stuff, my mom wanted pizza and so my dad brought us to their favorite pizza place. We had half pepperoni pizza and the other half has “everything on it.”

As we drove home, it was raining and it felt so nice to have such a nice afternoon with them (^^,) 

Bookmarks

So, I just finished my homework essay; prior to that… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

>.< Rrrrrrr >.<

In connection to The Funny Weird Thing I’m Feeling since last night, I guess I have come to a point when…

I have to live with it nowwwwwww >.< 

Because you see, last night, I wasn’t planning to go out, but I got so agitated and felt that I just had to get my head off thoughts related to it. It somehow worked,  and I just had fun with kendo friends. When I got home however, it was like The Thoughts were just calmly sitting on my chair in my room, waiting for me to rethink them and wallow in them. >.<

I slept really late, and just before I fell asleep, in a frenzied state of Thinking About It, I mentioned The Name >.< Rrrrrrrrr T.T It’s like naming an enemy or something though not in a Voldemort sort of way. It’s like admitting that something is a problem, or that a phase has been entered, or like the price of something has been punched in >.<

When I woke up this morning, I remembered it and now I can’t just get away and pretend I am not in the phase. Well I still can, but it’s like there’s A New Resident in my head >.<

And now I have to deal with the fact that I am Inside This Swirling Planet of Weird Emotions. >.< 

Happy Weekend

My happy weekend has started right this morning when I woke up, and it is still on-going right this moment (^^,) Beginning my super-laid-back weekend (She & Him in the background; earlier it was Natalie Merchant.) 

So this morning I woke up early, but decided to get back to sleep and savor the wind coming in through my (newly cleaned) windows (I cleaned them last Thursday and changed the curtains too.) then woke up about a couple of hours later. Then I did my yoga, had breakfast, and blogged and surfed like crazy. For the past couple of weeks, I have hardly visited my blogs nor checked out my personal messages and pages because I made some changes to my schedule and how I work around them. Even after my previous ended (my last day was last Wednesday), I’m still as busy as ever, with my schedule full. It’s a nice kind of busy though - very productive and still somewhat flexible, not the hectic kind that makes you want to drop, literally drop, everything, and just absent-mindedly walk off into the sunset. XD

So anyway I caught up on a favorite blog of mine and updated this blog and did other non-work online stuff. Next thing I know it was lunchtime, and I didn’t even realize how FAMISHED I was XD After lunch I continued my personal online stuff again, then napped to rest a while before kendo. For a while, I considered (again) not going to kendo, but I told myself to just Get Up and Prepare and JUST SHOW UP, because that’s the easiest way to deal with the dilemma of whether to go or not to go. 

And, as usual, I am so glad I went. For some reason, though I didn’t look it, I totally enjoyed and appreciated tonight’s practice. I guess it’s because I was not distracted AT ALL, and my mind wasn’t thinking ahead or whatever, so I was totally, fully there, at the present, just focusing on what I was doing and what I had to do. Looking back, it was almost as if I was tuned out of everything else and it was all about what I was doing. I wasn’t even thinking of having to do well or having to do this and that. I was just doing my best and not even fully being worked up about the thought of having to do my best. It was like doing without doing too much, like I was just, there. *babbles* XD

So now of course my feet hurt because I made a few awkward steps and turns but I just felt them as I came up the stairs tonight when I got home. But I realize that some of tonight’s practice is llike a hazy memory, because it all seemed to breeze by, but not in a way that makes one feel lost or like Time Went Someplace Else And Left Me. 

But anyway in a nutshell, I really appreciate tonight’s practice. And during the ending seiza, I felt That Occasional Strong Feeling That Is Almost “Ecstatic”, for lack of a better term. I don’t think I can talk about it to anyone though, because I don’t think anyone would understand XD It’s just WAY TOO WEIRD. It’s SOMEWHAT the same feeling I get when I am so happy with a book I’m reading, except that it’s like reading contains the “start of the strong feeling” and my post-kendo state is like, the finale XD Weirdness. 

SO MOVING ON, it has been a super great day, and tonight, obviously, I did not go out with my kendo friends. I think I am going through A Certain Phase which I have discussed with my sister, and thankfully, she understood what I meant, because I don’t think anyone else would. Plus, I have been tired and busy so I just needed some time to myself doing nothing that is planned. Of course I have things in mind but I don’t need to follow a schedule of something, and most of what I intend to do are things I only try to Insert into my tight schedule. For instance, I want to keep moving forward with Lirael because I can’t wait to see what will happen to her, plus I want to catch up with my blogs and favorite pages and stuff, and I want to just do whatever. So I think it’s time I get this well-deserved, long-awaited for rest. It’s not even like a vacay, just a nice leisurely time by myself on a normal weekend. 

Perhaps next week I can do this again, possibly with CHOCO ALMOND CROISSANT care of Caring Friends. XD Har har har har. >XD Well, if they DO actually get me some XD Or at least ONE XD I LOVE choco (the food) and I LOVE almonds and I love croissants (especially if they are buttery). 

So the rest of evening is Lirael, chokomochi, gaming and gaming girl, Wiki, personal mails, and whatever. And of course There Shall Be Coffee. XD

(Music is now by Veruca Salt, the softer ones from American Thighs ^.^) 

An Automatic Playlist

Unconsciously, these just started playing in my head last night after having to deal with the presence of someone. In this order.  

You Really Got a Hold On Me

Black Hole

Got Me

Take It Back

The Morning Sad 

At least the order was right. Perhaps it was like going through the motions in musical form. And then I continue walking on. It just kind of contributed to how I woke up this morning though. This plus other things. All boiling down to Something I Don’t Like and Something I Do Not Wish to Dwell On.

So now it’s like wanting to be a Third Assistant Librarian to get the mind off not having gained the Sight yet.

I guess then, it’s time to be a Third Assistant Librarian. And better to take steps now though my heart is as crushed as the first Paperwing.  

>.<

So suddenly, inexplicably, I fell ill a few hours ago. >.< Despite the summer heat, I wrapped myself up in a thick blanket. I was freezing. 

Now I am still achey all over but I am trying to move about and function normally, even if slowly. Later, I will climb to bed and review my homework for tomorrow. I am just finishing my fresh buko juice. 

Sweet Saturday

Friday night, I fell asleep thinking if I should go to kendo or not, but by then I have more or less decided that I will not be going out after. Apart from needing to look after my finances, I wanted to organize my files (since I have changed computers Friday) and fix my things and just rest. 

Saturday morning until noon, I still felt confused on whether to go or not, though I was more inclined not to go. When I took a nap, I decided to just let go of any resistance inside me and just see where my actions will lead me. When the alarm went off, I got up, took a bath, and then went to kendo after all.

And I am so happy I went (^^,)

Well, nothing spectacular happened, but I’m just glad I went and was able to practice. I was able to see my friends and talk to them and I was able to learn something new. Plus, it was nice, though very unusual, that it was NOVA who learned something FROM me XD. Nothing big, but just insights on what kind of person he is and what first-borns are like and other random stuff. Anyway, all in all, it just feels really nice when I almost did not go, then went, then realized it was good that I went XD 

After practice, since it turned out that none of the others would be going out too except for Allan, my sister and I just decided to invite him over for dinner, so we ate here at home and he brought more food and beverages and BTIC. Later on, Mao followed and then we just all hung out for a bit then they all went home. I was not able to do a lot of organizing but it was nice that we just stayed here in the house and I was able to rest early (^^,)

Finally, Charlie’s XD

So finally, nakapunta na ako ng Charlie’s XD Friends from everywhere have gone there and asked me if I’ve tried it, because it’s just a few minutes’ walk from our current house. However, ako yung malapit, ako yung never pang nakapunta. So last night after kendo (there was shiai and it was my first time to fight with a guy, some nice person named Jackson; I lost after what seemed to be ages of being inside a Pugon because of the heat), Allan, Ziggy, my sister, and I went because Zig wanted burgers, and we wanted to eat someplace near lang because my sister still had to work and I had to pack. 

So, I got the Angus with fries and it is Totally Happy Food XD 

High Street High

Sunday was great even though I was not able to stick to my schedule ^.^ I woke up around 2 in the afternoon. Around 4, I studied Nihongo and was planning to do yoga at 5. However, Mao and my sister came by to drop off some stuff for the garage sale, and asked me if I wanted to go with them to High Street. The warning signs of SHOPPING flashed through my mind, but I just decided I won’t spend, and went with them. 

Then I bought stuff from Lush. 

Then we went to Gourdo’s for pizza, coffee, and gelato (^^,) I LOVE Gourdo’s pizzas (^^,) And coffee. And gelato. And yes, the pizzas XD

Then we spent quite a long time at Fully Booked, Mao at the music area and my sister and I checking out the books. Checked out Furubaa too but the next episode wasn’t there yet. So I just bought a case for Hinamori and super pretty notebooks. Then we passed by the Coffee Bean before going home around 11. 

I then realized that the whole of High Street emanates with all these pleasant emotions that they make you feel like it’s great to spend and shop XD 

Finished!

I’ve now fixed / reorganized next week’s schedule (and finished a pot of green tea - although I’ve started drinking this prior to the OC-schedule-fixing, as I studied Japanese vocab) - just for next week. Let’s see how that will turn out and then I can just make adjustments for the week after that. There are some things I took out from my daily skeds to make space for the classes, but that’s okay because the classes will only run for about two months. I’ll just think of the next class schedule when this one’s over. (Of course I need to pass first >.<)

Today, I wasn’t able to practice, buy cake, and do the home inventory (Will start packing at the last minute, AS USUAL. Maybe the books can be packed ahead, though.) Have moved “cake” and “inventory” to Sunday (good luck). I am so sure that “cake” sounds weird. It’s the movable Cake Day, which originated from 4moggs-of-the-disheveled-bunny, or his office where he is occasionally The Bald Boss. Anyway, my day has been full but I TOTALLY LOVE IT and The Music rocks my world (^^,)

I guess, too, that I feel somewhat “freer” (like that’s a word *sneer*) after the last rune reading and after telling the winds to carry away (more of implied to) what (or whom) I was letting go of. Of course I still have those occasional urges to totally THROW myself (like Wonderland Scones) into it, but the rune totally woke me up, and it helped me ease into the change/shift, whether or not it really existed. I do hope though, I stay fine like this long enough until… everything falls into place. 

Closet-Clearing

I am ridding my closet of skeletons. 

XD Loko lang. 

I am again getting rid of clothes and accessories and everything else that I haven’t used for the past six months or so. So that will leave me with very few pieces of clothes, which means I can buy more already XD Or, retain the clothes I won’t be giving away, and then put all the money from the garage sale into my Cambodia Trip foundation XD

In any case, I am excited to see half of my closet contents gone for either conversion to cash or for giving away. More space for new things (^^,)

Oh Noes.

It’s late. It’s like a quarter past midnight and I am still in front of the computer, a certain song still on loop >.<

Not that I’m an insomniac tonight - I know that I will fall asleep immediately when my head hits the pillow. In fact, it’s been like that for the past few nights! Isn’t that SUPER GREAT? (^^,)

So, it’s also not because I got addicted to Kanji. In fact, I did not study tonight >.<

Based on one of my previous entries about what to do, yes I was able to do a bit of clutter clearing and I cleaned the area in my room where I keep my bogu, yoga and exercise stuff, and other things. However, I was not able to stick to my plan of bath-dinner-Kanji-sleep. 

As I took a bath, a creative idea came to me, and I got all fired up and started writing down my thoughts as soon as I got out, with a towel still wrapped around my head. I wrote down all I could think of about it, then started the creative thing. 

I decided to skip Kanji and postpone dinner to around 11 pm, the time when my mom comes home from a prayer meeting. Naturally, sleep has been pushed back too, so sana magising pa ako nang maaga at magkaron ng energy for kendo. And if makarating ng kendo, sana mag-last at mag-survive. I will try to take a nap before kendo, it will help. 

So, I chose to focus on the creative thing while the creative juices were flowing, and I knew I should start it already before the excitement dies away. Besides, my horoscope for this week told me that I should find a way for my emotions to have an outlet through creative means hehehe. I’ve been kind of agitated all afternoon and evening that I knew I had to be able to do something to use up all that energy. Obviously I am still releasing some, although I’m feeling less alert now, so I will be climbing to bed in a while. 

But, I’ve started with the creative thing. (^^,) So far I like how it looks. It’s nothing big, really, but I just liked the idea and all the stuff that came to my head as I took a bath.

Will now read a bit of Fruits Basket then sleep na. Oyasumi, minasan! (wave)

Tsukareta

>.<

Sometimes when I am tired like this I wish I can

just

succumb

to

someone’s

embrace.

T.T

Anyway, pagod lang yan. Kasi naman di ba. Sana lahat kayo matino. 

Haha biglang nag-angst. 

Anyway, again, pagod lang yan. Ang katapat nyan ay:

• Clutter-clearing (baka naman mawalan na ko ng gamit nyan lmao) 
• Nice warm bath
• Kanji

Of course, it would still be nice if the knight in shining armor came riding in his valiant horse. Or the knight in bogu riding an Audi. Muhahahahhaa. Or an available knight in bogu riding some vehicle I dare not mention. Or kahit simpleng Prince of Persia lang. (LMAO) Prince of Persian cat. Mogget? Isdatchu? Didn’t you have a Persian parent? (Mogget replies: ngaw.)

I think this is all partly due to shift that I sense on an ethereal level. Like some big shift is brewing, carrying with it big, unexpected changes which are not a bad thing, but are disorienting in its own fashion. 

So, time for clutter-clearing. 

*sighs the way Punchy sighs in Petville* (or, well, all Petville pets do that)

New Space

I have already seen my new room (^^,)

I’ve made a very roughly sketched plan on where to place things and thatI would need to buy. (^^,) HAPPINESS! (^^,)

I will start scooping up things I have now that I won’t need, and put them in the garage sale box (^^,) 

A new place for a totally new start. No more painful associations. It’s like a major shift in so many things (^^,)

Now, we wait for the final news. *crosses fingers*

(^^,)

Good Morning

This morning, I woke up with the Third Seat in my head (not my bed, though it rhymes) and I was wide awake. I still had half an hour before the alarm went off, so thankfully I managed to still get more sleep and I suddenly became too sleepy to be agitated. 

When the alarm went off, I slept a few minutes more then planned my day in my head. Started my day with yoga, then stepped out into the backyard to practice the kata that I have already forgotten (need help with kata >.<), then got distracted and went from tree to tree eating off the early morning JAMAICAN CHERRIES XD

Happiness (^^,)

Tadaima!

So I came back yesterday from the beach (^^,) *very freckly*

I so loved it - I missed the beach! I love the sun, the sea, and the wind on my face (^^,) I loved not having any plans, the long walks, the shopping, the coffee, the food, especially the fresh seafood! Hay. Sana soon ulit (^^,) Although I am thinking of Cambodia naman instead of beach.

Photo Plans

Hindi man lang umabot sa Boracay.

Done

So, finally, it has been done (^^,)

I just hope it still looks…. normal by the time he opens it. Or opens it again after 3 hours outside of the fridge :T

Anyway, the point is, I’ve finally done it I knew it, when the idea came to me about two or three weeks ago, I just know I had to do it, and I did!

I mustered up all the courage I have so that I could even choose to stick to the plan. I bravely waited until he came and then bravely stepped towards where he stood and bravely addressed him and then bravely took the thing out of the bag (which I realize is red with tiny hearts sewn on them) and bravely handed it over. He looked SO surprised and said “Thank you” twice. When it was over, I ran to the restroom to tell a girl friend about it. I was, and still am, SO relieved that he took it well and that it was over and done with

I don’t know if he thinks of it as giri or honmei, and I think most people would think of it as giri, though I don’t know what he’d think if he sees it’s homemade (apart from wondering WHAT it is exactly). In any case, I have done it, and I guess even if he would think of it as giri, at least I was able to do something and he got it.

So ngayon, feeling ko ang sarap na ng tulog ko

Sana lang maayos pa yung appearance nung chocolate by the time he reaches home

Anyway, basta. It has been done

T.T

My anxiety is so great, I just want to get it over with T.T

I hope everything goes well. T.T

Last night I had dreams about it so I woke up feeling tired T.T

Briefly last night, I thought about not doing it, but I knew I had to, because it felt right to do it. I am just so scaredy cat T.T

I will just share details of going about the first part of the plan after the whole thing.

Sana buhay pa ako at tumatawa naman mamaya

Kyun Kyun Kyun Kyun

>.<

That is my heart. 

I am headed to my sister’s place. She will make cheesecakes and cookies and I will make… honmei choco >.< I am wearing a white summer dress with small flowers in orange, sky blue, and tan. I guess I have to at least look nice. 

The earlier feeling of wanting to disappear has lessened.

My feet can also feel the ground already, and I am standing at a safe distance from the Third Seat.

I guess partly I was also a bit preoccupied by work earlier and the need to make time for stuff.

Oh, god. I am getting more and more scared each minute.

Have to go now. My sister and her kareshi are outside.  

Irregular Eating

I keep forgetting to write. 

Last Tuesday, before I packed my things and went over to my sister’s place, my mom said she noticed my recent unusual eating habits. She said I always eat late and eat like a dying person. She was guessing perhaps it’s about some stuff in my head that I’m anxious about. 

I realized then that my eating habits have become quite “irregular” and I frequently feel nauseous. :T

Still experiencing it now. But I’m grateful that I’ve also been feeling a little tired so I get to sleep at night, around 1 AM, so it’s not as bad as my insomnia-week when I would fall asleep at 4, 5, or 6 AM. 

Today, I just felt like hiding from everyone, like going AWAY for the next four weeks or so. And just be by myself. I just feel like hiding and disappearing for a bit. 

Right now, I am guessing it is partly due to my Plan-related anxiety, plus I had anxious thoughts about work, plus there is a growing need in me to get away from the Third Seat, or just return things to how they were before, before all these… minty moments. 

However, in reality, I cannot just hide away, and I have work to do, and another work to do, and the Plan has yet to be fulfilled, and I have to face whatever happens after, and I have to deal with it if there is no opportunity to actually do it, among millions of other things to do. 

I am keeping my running shoes in sight. 

List: Completed

The items in the list of ingredients and materials have all been checked - completed.

Time to make it tonight. 

I should not be stressed nor perplexed. 

Let tomorrow take care of itself. 

(Hay ang daling sabihin.)

While In This Phase

I was listening to some Bjork this morning as I worked and then somehow this grabbed my attention. I used to have it on loop before because I liked it so much and then somehow it seemed to speak of This phase I’m in. Perhaps not all of it, so I just picked out some lines >.<

Your flirt finds me out

As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn’t mind perhaps
Spending little time with you
Ssometimes
Sometimes
 

By the way I speak of it as a phase, because I assume there is an end to this (please see previous entry) - shouldn’t there? I mean as I mentioned before, it’s a kind of deadend. And of course there is the Plan to prepare for, and fulfill, and see how it will change things. But then again we don’t know if The phase will cross over that, I really have no idea. I can’t put my finger on it, because sometimes I have this huge desire in me to just RUN AWAY (like earlier tonight, upon realizing the presence of a sea of… others) but sometimes it is so intense I have to grit my teeth and other times I just want it The phase to end so that things will just stay less complicated. Most of the time though, I feel like running away to prevent damage and preserve myself. 

Okay, I admit it’s weird saying all that after Bjork’s lyrics. Clearly, my mind has kind of gone awry. Perhaps it’s because it’s almost time for the Plan. Although… last night, I was telling myself I should be more enthusiastic and… committed… if I am to do this, so that I would naturally just do things out of passionately wanting to accomplish it. But then again, it’s good to be a little dead? Detached? So that if things don’t exactly go right (hey aren’t those the exact opposite of all your rune readings? ~ another self) I would be a little numb to the punch. So just a tiny little bit, I faltered again last night about my decision. 

It amazes me sometimes how I can let a deadend make me have second thoughts about choosing a totally open path. >.<

This afternoon, though, (oh my god the train of thought is getting even longer ~ yet another self) I was thinking that perhaps it’s just the Idea of it but not really It, plus somehow it’s a taste of what I am looking for although it’s coming from the wrong sources.

Other selves, though, still say I don’t know what is going to happen next. 

So, given that, *sigh* I am going back to the runes after all. (Perhaps all the thinking is part of the whole process.) Be careful  with one thing, and be assured of another, though I should remember not to lose myself in it. 

(Yes that sounded so easy but I am in the MIDDLE of huge effin’ PIE.)

So, Last Night’s Runes

After the update on the ingredient came, and after I have settled into my sister’s place (staying here for a few days with the kingcat), I drew a couple of runes. One is for my confusion whether to continue the plan or not, and the other is for some general insight about the Third Seat. I was somewhat inclined by this time to continue with the Plan, but I still wanted to draw a rune for it, hence I perpetually go back and forth until I end up regretting not doing anything and wasting so much time trying to decide. >.<

It took me a while to understand what the Dagaz rune was telling me, until its significance of a Breakthrough dawned on me. Breakthrough. Again, it speaks of an assured outcome, though unpredictable from the current vantage point. I also realized it is the Final rune in the cycle of Initiation. And again, it is about leaping into the void, empty-handed. Also, there is the reminder of not losing the self into thoughts of the future and behaving recklessly. As I started understanding the whole reading, I felt resolved about pushing through with it. 

And, to add to that, as I drifted to sleep, I found a way to make the Plan more…. presentable. I realize I can be more creative and not be overwhelmed by its seemingly complicated process. I can simplify it and make it less “scary” too. (^^,)

With regard to the Third Seat, all my previous insights about it were just further confirmed by the Thurisaz rune, reversed. It practically captured my initial perception that perhaps I am just having a form of difficulty and I might just be succumbing to it, without realizing that I may create more problems for myself later on, bigger than that which I intend to resolve. Great care is required of me so that I do not act hastily and deceive myself of my motives. My intentions should be clear with regard to the “difficulty” - looking back I have already somewhat been swayed, hence the confusion.  It is not really anyone’s fault really. As I realized too last night, as I climbed to bed and felt like a part of me was seeking the Third Seat, that I was just really probably anxious about the Plan, plus about my practice, plus about other things that I worry about, plus the recurring dreams, and the Third Seat just apparently was in all the EXACT places where I NEEDED someone to be. So with the seeming timeliness of it, I fell into a certain kind of “comfort zone” that it provided. But then again, I should always remember to take the caution which the reversed Gateway rune spoke of.

As someone also advised me, I shouldn’t define it so much nor try to FIGHT it. Just let the emotions have its say, like let it sit, until it dissipates. Because personally, you see, it will not really lead to anything. It’s a deadend. Sadly, it is a deadend. 

It is Here.

I drew a couple of runes tonight, one for each. 

I shall write about them tomorrow. 

But even before I drew the rune, the answer seemed to come.

The missing ingredient has been delivered.

Confused

I am VERY confused. 

Earlier today, I had that thought again. Of not pushing through with the Plan. For a while, I felt it was useless. 

It isn’t really about the Third Seat - that is clearly out of the question anyway. But maybe the Third Seat was a needed pause from the all the hype, just for me to see if the Plan should BE, at all. It’s not that the Third Seat was a factor, but is a way for me to take a “break” from the whole frenzy, replacing it with a dfferent form of frenzy (I fell asleep with the Third Seat in my head, woke up with the Third Seat in my head, and have been WANTING the Third Seat consistently, so far, today).

Last night I decided that if I do not get the needed ingredient to the whole thing, then it must be a sign. Fair enough.

But earlier as I thought about the Plan again, I felt like I shouldn’t rely on the ingredient, but really just decide if I should push through or not. Suddenly I had gigantic doubts. 

I wanted to think of the rune saying that the final conclusion, or confirmation, has come, hence the birth. But was I really thinking of the right thing? Did what the rune refer to the same thing that I see? Or am I totally looking at things from an angle that is convenient only to me? 

A part of me begins to think: If you want it, then YOU get it. Why should I trouble myself with something that is possibly way too risky? 

There are still three more days however. I need to figure this out soon enough. 

Hyper Morning

Yay I was awake at like 7 this morning

I fell asleep trying to think of other thoughts

I woke up, however, with the Third Seat right smack in the middle of my mind. Argh.

Plus I had a brief moment of reconsidering if I should push through with the Plan. I know I should, though, and that I am just probably being distracted, and tending to succumb to the sweet escape of it as the day draws nearer.  

I did wake up feeling like some typical high school girl, though. And I currently feel like my heart is going to burst. And for totally odd reasons. This is a somewhat wrong displacement. Hence, the need to be strong. And to remain true, as my rune said last night. (Although it spoke of a sudden fundamental change - which confuses me.)

Time to Run Away

*sigh*

And so it is time for me to run away. Away, to a safe place. As FAST as I can.  Where endless questions will not bug me and meaningless words will not tug at my heart.

On second thought, why should I run away? I can always stay put and be just as safe as I can be anywhere else. If I run away, it doesn’t mean it won’t chase me. I can choose to stay and not be perturbed. 

So, I just got to be strong. 

Besides, I have yet to unveil my Plan. Perhaps, yes, this is all a displacement of my anxiety about the Plan. A sweet escape. 

Anxious Thoughts Prior To

Oh no.

WHAT am I thinking?

This person is way ahead of me in so many ways.

And I barely know this person.

What am I thinking?

Am I actually going to do it?

(Of course I will. Those are just some of my occasional anxious thoughts before the actual… declaration.)

A Possible Displacement

Possibly, this whole Third Seat fixation is a displacement Hehe. I’ve used this word so many times since college, accusing my classmates in various situations har har har. (While they throw “repressed” and “rationalization” at each other ) So anyway, I came to this theory earlier today, because I could just possibly be masking my anxiety for my Plan with a much much safer target, while taking one step at a time towards its completion. 

I have to admit, though, that this fixation is becoming way too…. intense. >.<

Argh. *grab and cling* 

Sleeping Disorder

Last night, or this morning, I slept at 4 AM.

Sleeping troubles again. 

I am hoping it’s a masked excitement for something great happening

Or maybe it’s all about the plan. The anxiety. >.<

@_@

I slept at 6 AM this morning. Was up all night T.T

I guess partly it’s the plan, plus the magic of cherry blossoms, plus my own struggles, plus the start of another work week (as of now, though, some ideas are brewing in my head). 

>.<

Aaaaargh. Getting a bit worked up about my plan >.<

I know I should not be perplexed, because I will do it anyway. So. I won’t. Be. Perplexed.

First of all, I need to get all the materials together before I get all worked up about where to place it. 

Once every few seconds, though, I ask, “Am I really doing this? WHY am I doing this?” And I know all the answers but I keep asking anyway.  

Need My Version of Su

I went out today to buy some beach-stuff and some more cute pens (will post photos later on). On our way home, an idea magically popped into my head. 

Earlier today, I thought about it because I was buying some things for some friends, and I completely brushed off something similar to that idea, but earlier this evening, the idea was just like, more insistent. Like I HAVE TO do it. 

And then,  as I thought about it more, more ideas became more solid in my head. Until I was able to narrow it down to following in the steps of Amu-chan as Su and Nadeshiko helped her with something concerning Tadase-kun. And then, I just found the perfect idea as I browsed through pages. Everything came together so quickly, that I know I have to do it, and if I don’t, I will always feel bad that I didn’t. It’s one of those things. 

So. Help me, my version of Su (^^,)

A Turn of Events

It seems I have found a source of inspiration, though I know not what it is, yet. But it seems like it is springing from this state of anxiety that I am in. I guess last night I couldn’t sleep because the mild anxiety that came with the insomnia was brewing as the source of new inspiration. I am not sure how that is all supposed to work in a positive and inspiring manner, so I guess it is best to just wait and see. In the meantime, I need to focus on what has to be done. My daily morning “commitments” are still regularly being done, no matter what time I slept the night before and whatever my mood is for the day. I think this helps me focus and stick to my plans and make decisions more easily about things. 

As for the anxious state that I am in, I guess it will have to wait until it has fully evolved into something much more inspiring in form. 

Wide Awake @_@

Yes. 

At this time.

It’s almost 4. 

And I still intend to wake up at 7 for some morning commitments and then work and then after-work commitments. (Gambatte.)

…

…

…

Okay. I have decided. I will go to bed NOW and sleep NOW. And tomorrow I wake up on time and do what I need to do. I mean later. Hehe.

Yay Beach :D

My sister and I are going to the beach yay

She has booked our flight and I have just the hotel confirmation earlier today (^^,) 

So excited Haven’t gone to the beach in a long time. Previous plans were NEVER realized so I told myself it’s about time I really plan something and GO. 

:)

Start of Vacay

So as mentioned last night, my actual vacay has just started (^^,) I guess partly that’s why my body sort of “gave way” to some minor discomfort; it’s because my defenses to stay able to work and move about has just gone down. Anyway, I promise to eat properly and nap whenever I can and sleep long hours at night. 

Cecille just came by a few minutes ago to say hi because she was utterly bored and had nothing to do So I sat in the car for a while and we talked a bit and made plans to go back to Som’s soon. I told her I also just lit a candle to bid 2009 and welcome 2010, said my thanks and special prayers. (Won’t write na about details of my ritual.) I realize that the weather is so great and I loved it when the sunshine was on my face, as in I totally loved it. Anyway after a while she left to check out the nearby supermarket. It was nice, that simple and short visit (^^,) 

So now I’m back in my room. As for me, I’m far from being bored because I have just organized my iTunes files to upload songs in my new green iPod (^^,) I am also decluttering my room as my New Year candle burns. This cleaning up should help align my energy channels and help me recover from everything. 

Happy New Year everyone! I wish you all find peace within your hearts and spend the coming year in abundance (^^,)

Ruined Ruins Plan :T

I just suddenly remembered the old plans to go to Cafe by The Ruins, and well basically those plans were ruined

So yeah, I want to go back there again and wonders if… (^^,) Well in any case… (^^,)

Haha sorry ang labo.

Last night I fell asleep with a slight giggle because I remember the two めんがぬ incidents (lmao)

Gamer Girl

Wishes there was an onsen at the back of her home (^^,)

Is a sweet person.

Loves chocolate drinks.

Adores cats.

Enjoys anime.

Visits Biskit everyday in AC:WW.

Intends to visit Japan regularly.

Likes taking pictures.

Never gets tired of Morrowind.

Lives healthy.

Collects fruity and flowery scents.

Is crazy about crazy lace agate.

Replenish

I need to replenish on kindness and good energies. (Please click to continue reading.)

Last Year, at Cyma

Last night, at the meeting in the office, our CEO mentioned… (Please click to continue reading this post.)