Claudiooooooooooo…. (>.<)

Well, not the real Claudio but my version of it. Muhahaha.

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Days of the Week, Mixed Up

Green Tea Chocolate, Calm Version

Friday afternoon, I went to buy some ingredients for some green tea chocolate. It was the birthday of Denise last Thursday and she liked the first batch of green tea chocolate I made, so for her birthday, I decided to make her some again. I made it differently this time, though, and used different portions of the ingredients. As I finished making it, I tasted it and I think it tasted fine, though I know more of the matcha bitterness will come out later on. I wasn’t able to taste it by then, though, since I have placed everything in a tub for giving to Denise after kendo. It was so nice to make it (^^,) I hope she likes it though it isn’t much. 

I also realized it was so much fun to make green tea chocolate without The Anxiety XD And bringing it to the dojo did not involve hyperventilation as it did the last time I brough homemade green tea chocolate XD

Me, Scattered

As of now, I am trying to find something that will ground me.

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Finally, A Leg Checkup

Last Thursday, I was FINALLY able to go to the doctor to have my leg checked - have been having pains on my right leg which would sometimes make it difficult for me to move in yoga or kendo, and there was one time when I still attended Wednesday practice, that it hurt so much that I had to sit down, but couldn’t sit down because it hurt, but then again I couldn’t stand anymore, so I had to be supported to get to the benches. Anyway that was just one incident and then after that there would be pain every now and then. For a while I was worried that it might be something about another extra bone, but from last Thursday’s check up, I didn’t need any xray anymore and was just asked to do some regular stretching exercises everyday. No meds needed so yay. 

Happy Weekend

My happy weekend has started right this morning when I woke up, and it is still on-going right this moment (^^,) Beginning my super-laid-back weekend (She & Him in the background; earlier it was Natalie Merchant.) 

So this morning I woke up early, but decided to get back to sleep and savor the wind coming in through my (newly cleaned) windows (I cleaned them last Thursday and changed the curtains too.) then woke up about a couple of hours later. Then I did my yoga, had breakfast, and blogged and surfed like crazy. For the past couple of weeks, I have hardly visited my blogs nor checked out my personal messages and pages because I made some changes to my schedule and how I work around them. Even after my previous ended (my last day was last Wednesday), I’m still as busy as ever, with my schedule full. It’s a nice kind of busy though - very productive and still somewhat flexible, not the hectic kind that makes you want to drop, literally drop, everything, and just absent-mindedly walk off into the sunset. XD

So anyway I caught up on a favorite blog of mine and updated this blog and did other non-work online stuff. Next thing I know it was lunchtime, and I didn’t even realize how FAMISHED I was XD After lunch I continued my personal online stuff again, then napped to rest a while before kendo. For a while, I considered (again) not going to kendo, but I told myself to just Get Up and Prepare and JUST SHOW UP, because that’s the easiest way to deal with the dilemma of whether to go or not to go. 

And, as usual, I am so glad I went. For some reason, though I didn’t look it, I totally enjoyed and appreciated tonight’s practice. I guess it’s because I was not distracted AT ALL, and my mind wasn’t thinking ahead or whatever, so I was totally, fully there, at the present, just focusing on what I was doing and what I had to do. Looking back, it was almost as if I was tuned out of everything else and it was all about what I was doing. I wasn’t even thinking of having to do well or having to do this and that. I was just doing my best and not even fully being worked up about the thought of having to do my best. It was like doing without doing too much, like I was just, there. *babbles* XD

So now of course my feet hurt because I made a few awkward steps and turns but I just felt them as I came up the stairs tonight when I got home. But I realize that some of tonight’s practice is llike a hazy memory, because it all seemed to breeze by, but not in a way that makes one feel lost or like Time Went Someplace Else And Left Me. 

But anyway in a nutshell, I really appreciate tonight’s practice. And during the ending seiza, I felt That Occasional Strong Feeling That Is Almost “Ecstatic”, for lack of a better term. I don’t think I can talk about it to anyone though, because I don’t think anyone would understand XD It’s just WAY TOO WEIRD. It’s SOMEWHAT the same feeling I get when I am so happy with a book I’m reading, except that it’s like reading contains the “start of the strong feeling” and my post-kendo state is like, the finale XD Weirdness. 

SO MOVING ON, it has been a super great day, and tonight, obviously, I did not go out with my kendo friends. I think I am going through A Certain Phase which I have discussed with my sister, and thankfully, she understood what I meant, because I don’t think anyone else would. Plus, I have been tired and busy so I just needed some time to myself doing nothing that is planned. Of course I have things in mind but I don’t need to follow a schedule of something, and most of what I intend to do are things I only try to Insert into my tight schedule. For instance, I want to keep moving forward with Lirael because I can’t wait to see what will happen to her, plus I want to catch up with my blogs and favorite pages and stuff, and I want to just do whatever. So I think it’s time I get this well-deserved, long-awaited for rest. It’s not even like a vacay, just a nice leisurely time by myself on a normal weekend. 

Perhaps next week I can do this again, possibly with CHOCO ALMOND CROISSANT care of Caring Friends. XD Har har har har. >XD Well, if they DO actually get me some XD Or at least ONE XD I LOVE choco (the food) and I LOVE almonds and I love croissants (especially if they are buttery). 

So the rest of evening is Lirael, chokomochi, gaming and gaming girl, Wiki, personal mails, and whatever. And of course There Shall Be Coffee. XD

(Music is now by Veruca Salt, the softer ones from American Thighs ^.^) 

Stayed In Again

After kendo tonight I came home and didn’t go out. This is nice because I get to rest and I don’t spend so much >.<

For a while though, earlier, That Feeling I Don’t Like came to me, but I managed to just ignore it til it left after several minutes. Yesterday was one of the worsts. It lasted from ate afternoon til the middle of the evening, and I was telling my sister about it, how huge it can sometimes be that it is almost tangible, as if there is a bubble of it and I cannot fill in the space in it with something else. Lately I have been getting That Feeling I Don’t Like a bit more often than it would normally do before >.<

And then tonight, it was a like, the Universe told me that I may not have exactly followed the Recipe for Disaster, but still, everything I did was for… Nothing. >.< Generally, I am not bothered nor crushed by it, but sometimes I remember it and I realize something has changed because now I totally know it, or at least have a clearer idea, and then there is this slight tugging inside and I wince a bit. >.< 

So earlier tonight as I took a shower I was thinking how I thought this and that was so going to happen but they didn’t and I don’t think they ever will. 

Sometimes I just don’t know what to think anymore >.< 

*SIGH* 

>.<

Sweet Saturday

Friday night, I fell asleep thinking if I should go to kendo or not, but by then I have more or less decided that I will not be going out after. Apart from needing to look after my finances, I wanted to organize my files (since I have changed computers Friday) and fix my things and just rest. 

Saturday morning until noon, I still felt confused on whether to go or not, though I was more inclined not to go. When I took a nap, I decided to just let go of any resistance inside me and just see where my actions will lead me. When the alarm went off, I got up, took a bath, and then went to kendo after all.

And I am so happy I went (^^,)

Well, nothing spectacular happened, but I’m just glad I went and was able to practice. I was able to see my friends and talk to them and I was able to learn something new. Plus, it was nice, though very unusual, that it was NOVA who learned something FROM me XD. Nothing big, but just insights on what kind of person he is and what first-borns are like and other random stuff. Anyway, all in all, it just feels really nice when I almost did not go, then went, then realized it was good that I went XD 

After practice, since it turned out that none of the others would be going out too except for Allan, my sister and I just decided to invite him over for dinner, so we ate here at home and he brought more food and beverages and BTIC. Later on, Mao followed and then we just all hung out for a bit then they all went home. I was not able to do a lot of organizing but it was nice that we just stayed here in the house and I was able to rest early (^^,)

Early Day (^^,)

Today, I started my day really early (^^,) I mean not because I had to, but just because I wanted to, and was able to XD

Well last night I slept really early (^^,) I was in bed by 10:30! I just read a bit of Sabriel then fell asleep instantly! Partly because it was a very tiring day due to the elections. >.< Sunday night, I had my Sunday syndrome and was wide awake until around 2 AM. I woke up at 7, then went to vote, where we had to spend precious time looking for our line. Then we spent 3.5 hours in line. Then we had lunch, then went home, and I worked for over three hours, did some meditation, then studied for Nihongo. After dinner time I was really sleepy already, so I shut down my computer and watched “The Indian Witch Hunt” at Nat Geo, then watched the Wanderlei and Liddell match in UFC Unleashed. Then I washed up, read a bit of Sabriel, then slept.

So, I was awake at 6:06 (^^,) 

I brushed my teeth, washed my face, chugged down Gatorade (ganun kainit ang panahon - I wake up thirsty), then practiced kihon and kata, then went to do yoga. Before 8 AM, I was already having boiled eggs for breakfast (^^,) Nice start (^^,)

Finally, Charlie’s XD

So finally, nakapunta na ako ng Charlie’s XD Friends from everywhere have gone there and asked me if I’ve tried it, because it’s just a few minutes’ walk from our current house. However, ako yung malapit, ako yung never pang nakapunta. So last night after kendo (there was shiai and it was my first time to fight with a guy, some nice person named Jackson; I lost after what seemed to be ages of being inside a Pugon because of the heat), Allan, Ziggy, my sister, and I went because Zig wanted burgers, and we wanted to eat someplace near lang because my sister still had to work and I had to pack. 

So, I got the Angus with fries and it is Totally Happy Food XD 

Haiku Hirugohan

Last Friday, I spent the WHOLE day with my sister (^^,) We had class in the morning, then we went to Haiku for Japanese lunch. We ordered uni sashimi, yasai itame, gohan, agedashi tofu, grilled sanma, and chicken yakitori. (^^,) Happy Haiku Lunch!

After that we went around Greenbelt for a bit, then went home to our house where she indulged herself in Mall World as I tried to clean up my room. She stayed til dinner time, and then left afterward so I was able to finally work >.< 

Saturday was kendo, and I somehow felt that I just might be rising from the dead. Or so I think. Have yet to see. 

Weird Voice

A friend said that the Mercury Retrograde started last Sunday, and that it also predicts sore throats, or “hoarseness,” as they called it. Why do I feel so affected by this >.< My voice doesn’t sound hoarse, though. It just doesn’t sound like me.When I speak, I feel like somebody is “voicing over.” XD 

This means that I can’t do kendo tomorrow T.T I just hope I will be well enough to be able to practice and compete on Saturday >.<

Early Night

Yup early! Been home since about an hour ago. Just had dinner with Allan, Zig, and my sister some place near then went home because my sister still had tons of stuff to do. So now I’m just having coffee and French cookies and will be watching some anime in a while. 

Kendo was okay though I still feel somewhat rotten at keiko. I did keiko with the girls and Jojo-sempai, but my waza was under Takahashi-sensei’s class, and that part I enjoyed. I don’t know if my  kendo is in some kind of… rut. I just feel like I’m so… blah in it. 

Anyway, I hope this phases passes, if it’s a phase. I feel stressed out kasi e >.<

On a lighter note, Nova asked me (Nova is a boy, I just call him that in reference to Nova of Bleach. Yung green.) how I was and I was like “Great!” and I know I meant it, which made it even greater He was asking why but we had to line up again for the second hour of practice. I then realized I wouldn’t know how to explain it in Simple and Safe terms, but then during the last seiza after practice, I realize that I AM feeling great, but I’m also somewhat uneasy/agitated/anxious. And then I remembered my rune and I realized this is the “birth” part, like I’m in “labor” or something, and I have to go through it so that the new path/life/phase can make its way. I believe that I have made the “completion,” though it’s done in my own strange fashion. And I really feel I did. And so now comes the labor and then ultimately, the birth. 

I just wonder what I’m giving birth to. Anyway basta nasa delivery room na ako. No overthinking allowed. One moment at a time. 

Oyster Boy and Girls

Lee, one of our kendo batchmates, has returned from Japan on the last week of March, then last Saturday, she came by the dojo (^^,) She didn’t practice yet and will start practicing again this coming Saturday, so yay!

After kendo practice last weekend, we went out as usual, but we girls decided to go someplace else so we can catch up and have girl talk XD So Lee, Denise, my sister, and I went to Oyster Boy (because Denise was having a craving fit XD) and had two dozens of oysters and crab fat rice. As of this minute, buhay naman kaming lahat. After dinner we met up with the boys already and had coffee/tea/dessert at Kopi Roti then went home around 1 or 2 am. 

The dinner and time with the girls was like SUPER FUN and we had Top 5 lists of something that I can’t mention or else we all get into trouble XD But in any case it was really great, especially the bit about Sebastian and Lumiere and their sort of counterpart. XD

Sunday we went out again to watch a movie and have dinner, though last night before I fell asleep I went into a bit of a depression bout but I managed to fall asleep so I guess it’s okay. 

This morning I woke up somewhat bothered that I would get distracted at yoga, and would catch myself WONDERING WHAT THE HELL happened but I guess I knew already except that sometimes I get annoyed. 

Back! (^^,)

Yesterday was shiai and I lost my match, but it was still great because at least it’s clear to me what the lesson is and I know where I went wrong. It was much more difficult when I am not quite sure what I did or it would be frustrating if I lost because I was all over the place and panicked. So basically I turned a little too late and slowly, which sensei practiced me on at keiko XD

Yup. Sensei made me practice my turn more quickly (and more attentively XD). And that is because I am BACK IN HIS CLASS!!!!! XD 

So, first was the usual waza in the girls’ class, then keiko, after which I asked some sempai about how I did, and they said my form and my strikes are okay except that I turn to slowly and perhaps ran too far just to allow my opponent to chase and prepare to score >.< Then after a while as I was chatting with Nova (the green gigai, not a woman named Nova) and a couple of other batchmates and was telling them I wonder when I’d be placed back at Takahashi-sensei’s class and just then, Yukita-san called me and asked me to transfer. I couldn’t hide my glee, grinned, said hai, and ran to get my bogu and shinai. As I ran past Nova and the others I whispered “yay” a little too loudly and could see sensei laughing from the corner of my eyes. >.< By the way, the yay was for purely educational reasons and has nothing to do with matcha incidents nor laughing Japanese women saying “special”. O_o 

So, I was totally beaten up on that side, hence a red-green-purple arm, but I really need to do it well and fast so I really need to practice >.< Sana lang gumaling nga XD

Nihongo vs Kendo

Of course kendo will win… kaso sayang T.T

The Nihongo course I’m supposed to take next is open but the schedule conflicts with kendo practice >.< 

Sayang T.T

XD

After writing the earlier entry, the anxiety grew back, and I was almost preparing myself for more anxious time, though I’ve been trying to let it go. 

Now, I am no longer agitated >.<

And then it’s just then I realized why I am no longer anxious >.< (Omg nakakahiya. LMAO.) Uhm. >.< Oh nooo. I’m just glad I am no longer anxious. Or at least THAT anxious. It’s just a little embarrassing when I realized why I’ve been anxious all day T.T 

It’s because since last night, I have sensed that strange kind of quiet, and I brushed it off last night, or during the wee hours, because I was already too tired physically from kendo and the late night out, and so I woke up to an anxious day, and the anxiety grew and so on, and only a while ago did I realize that I’ve been anxious because of the quiet I sensed >.<  Rrrrrghh. It’s like a totally different kind of “separation anxiety” and a very strange version I know Xp 

Okaeri!

So, 4-moggs was at kendo yesterday and joined us for dinner and movie and coffee (^^,) Hopefully, he gets to join for good by the middle of the year (がんばって!)

Last night was generally fun and light and happy, and though Mao wasn’t around, Tigger (Dennis) came to join and the movie (How to Train Your Dragon) was really nice, apart from Toothless reminding me of Mogget, which adds to its charming factor XD

…

So, just a nice time with friends (^^,) 

Earplugs, onegai.

Just got home from kendo. I’m glad I lasted (^^,) Despite my mistakes by the time I got too tired to have the proper timing. (By the way, Takahashi-sensei was suddenly talking about “Garcia-san” joining “next year” at the “shiai in Hong Kong.” For a minute I wanted to hide while asking where that came from.)

Also, I have just made a decision >.< (Hindi na ‘to kendo related. I mean hindi na related sa kendo practice. >.<)

I won’t na >.<

I totally appreciate the kindness, but I realize I can hardly get it together when my ears start to bleed from my own required silence. My silence, which perpetuates the bleeding. Of my ears, my brains, my heart. My silence, which requires me to witness that which makes me bleed.

So, this will be the last. And I better stick to that decision AT ALL COSTS. 

>.<

Oh Noes.

It’s late. It’s like a quarter past midnight and I am still in front of the computer, a certain song still on loop >.<

Not that I’m an insomniac tonight - I know that I will fall asleep immediately when my head hits the pillow. In fact, it’s been like that for the past few nights! Isn’t that SUPER GREAT? (^^,)

So, it’s also not because I got addicted to Kanji. In fact, I did not study tonight >.<

Based on one of my previous entries about what to do, yes I was able to do a bit of clutter clearing and I cleaned the area in my room where I keep my bogu, yoga and exercise stuff, and other things. However, I was not able to stick to my plan of bath-dinner-Kanji-sleep. 

As I took a bath, a creative idea came to me, and I got all fired up and started writing down my thoughts as soon as I got out, with a towel still wrapped around my head. I wrote down all I could think of about it, then started the creative thing. 

I decided to skip Kanji and postpone dinner to around 11 pm, the time when my mom comes home from a prayer meeting. Naturally, sleep has been pushed back too, so sana magising pa ako nang maaga at magkaron ng energy for kendo. And if makarating ng kendo, sana mag-last at mag-survive. I will try to take a nap before kendo, it will help. 

So, I chose to focus on the creative thing while the creative juices were flowing, and I knew I should start it already before the excitement dies away. Besides, my horoscope for this week told me that I should find a way for my emotions to have an outlet through creative means hehehe. I’ve been kind of agitated all afternoon and evening that I knew I had to be able to do something to use up all that energy. Obviously I am still releasing some, although I’m feeling less alert now, so I will be climbing to bed in a while. 

But, I’ve started with the creative thing. (^^,) So far I like how it looks. It’s nothing big, really, but I just liked the idea and all the stuff that came to my head as I took a bath.

Will now read a bit of Fruits Basket then sleep na. Oyasumi, minasan! (wave)

Good Morning

This morning, I woke up with the Third Seat in my head (not my bed, though it rhymes) and I was wide awake. I still had half an hour before the alarm went off, so thankfully I managed to still get more sleep and I suddenly became too sleepy to be agitated. 

When the alarm went off, I slept a few minutes more then planned my day in my head. Started my day with yoga, then stepped out into the backyard to practice the kata that I have already forgotten (need help with kata >.<), then got distracted and went from tree to tree eating off the early morning JAMAICAN CHERRIES XD

Happiness (^^,)

This Weekend is Awesome (^^,)

It is! (^^,)

(Let me say though, that this sudden rush just right now, as I write this, is due to another unexpected fortunate thing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (^^,) I noticed how from that point, the energy level rose until I am bursting with smitten-kitteness XD)

So, apart from things falling into place since yesterday, and how things still seem to be falling in place today, pieces of me are finding their respective places in my wholeness, even if in trickles. (In trickles, because anyone can see how I have just switched in the past hour from sleepy to WIDE WIDE AWAKE @_@ and in a good way.)

Generally, Saturday was relaxed and seemed to just fleet by in a good way. I’ve had some anxious moments but they were insignificant compared to my general disposition and how my day went. Last night, I had worry dolls stay with me during the night and I was able to sleep well, though I woke up quite early. 

In the morning, I suddenly had one of my rare TV-moods so I went back to bed after breakfast and a bit of internet, and then as I watched various shows I fell asleep again and woke up around noon. Had lunch with my sister who came to visit, then read a bit of Fruits Basket, then had another nappie  

Woke up mid afternoon to prepare for kendo, then went to kendo. As usual, I was lost in kata but Takahashi-sensei taught me and Chiao because I think we were waaay too lost XD Plus I think he overheard my panicky tone as I asked Chiao what I’m supposed to do next as he stared at me as if I was raving mad (lmao). So finally I got it (and hope to do it right again next time). Sensei is awesome (^^,)

I gave out tiny Boracay tokens for some girls during the break (^^,) I will give Denise hers when I see her next time. She passed her shodan exam by the way yay (^^,) 

After kendo practice I spent some time talking to some friends and it somehow helped me get my mind off some things and I felt so much lighter as I headed to my sister’s place. My kendo friends are awesome (^^,) (Plus one of them thought I was 6 years younger than my actual age muhahaha. I was also surprised he is older than I thought he was. Then I said, so that’s why you guys don’t take me seriously and treat me like a child!!! And he laughed because it was partly true Well at least now he knows I’m all grown up XD)

Then we had dinner and saw a movie, and on our way to bring Zig home, we had a major laugh trip because of some strange idea that the boys had which took me a while to get, and they were laughing so hard that Mao couldn’t drive with watery eyes and Zig was bent over with too much laughter that he couldn’t breathe. When I finally got it my face was so wet and sticky with tears and my stomach was hurting from so much laughter. 

Today I also received and opened birthday presents from some kendo friends and they were totally awesome too (^^,) *hearts* 

The magic of cherry blossoms also seemed to stir a bit today, since yesterday actually, somewhere inside me. *slightly enchanted*

I’ve also been accompanied by some new beautiful music that makes my heart beat fast that my face turns somewhat red. Although that is difficult to see because I’m tanned and so not pale yellow-green

I was a bit sad and paranoid about something, but because things have been falling into place and pieces of me are gathering up, plus I learned from the insights I heard from the people around me today, it wasn’t really anything hellish. Plus I have decided to really get myself together so I was taking all of it as a major push for me to do so. 

And then I received something totally totally totally unexpected, and it was a nice nice nice surprise (^^,) My paranoia has just been thrown away just like THE SCONES (lmao). (Omg. I CANNOT get over the scones scene in the Alice movie. Most people would have forgotten it by now, or remember it but not find anything funny in it, but I did, and my stomach hurts from so much laughing at it.) I am also no longer as sad about the something as I was, plus I guess it does not really “ruin” my decision to get myself together, but instead supports it, in a context that is SO much easier for me to move in (^^,) So now I somehow feel “freer” in it and less scared. I’m sure I will have moments but still I totally think this weekend is awesome because it has loads of pleasant surprises and things falling into place and pieces of me finding their way back to their appropriate places (^^,)

On another note, though, by the way, I heard something about a bruise and I cannot accept the idea of him getting hurt like that

Anyway that was just a bit of an off-track note. Just had to let it out of my system. Besides, I am so not in any position to MEDDLE :p

Back to awesomeness. *brush off earlier note* This weekend is really awesome (^^,) Hope the awesomeness extends to forever XD Certain kendo friends really made a difference and I believe I learned important stuff, plus the magic stirring within helped me balance myself, plus there was so much laughter, plus very pleasant surprises, and I am just bursting with hearts and sparkles (^^,) And yes, I’m totally like rainbow sprinkles (^^,)

Beach Mode

So I won’t be around for the next few days - hopefully my mind will also be at rest for the time being (^^,)

I have started and finished my packing just tonight, after dinner. My sister helped me and Denise explored my room and Mao bullied us and paced around the house, while Allan spent some time chit chatting with my mom in the backyard, where we thought Wonderland had swallowed them

I’m so happy because they all enjoyed dinner (my sister and I treated them to Juanita), after which we came to my house so I could pack. (Denise wrote incriminating evidence of things on my mini blackboard and my whiteboard!! Hehe.)

Then tomorrow, off to the beach!! (^^,) Finally

I’m still wide awake, though >.< 

Kendo-wise, practice was generally okay. I just felt a little scattered. (By the way, 4-moggs, formerly known as Ryan-kun, will be here on the 19th so he can practice with us on the 20th yay.) Saigo no keiko was something I was just thinking of, seconds before it took place, and it was intensified by a really pleasant scent that I totally like. Fixating again >.<

As Awake as Morning

Last night after kendo, I worked some more, then had dinner while catching up on Bleach. When I stopped the last time, I finished the episode after the battle of Ichigo and Grimmjow - but since that was like ages ago, I’ve been playing the last few episodes before that one, and last night I was at episode 118 and 119 and I totally totally love the battle between Ikkaku and Arrancar 13, when ***spoiler*** Ikkaku released his ban kai and was able to defeat the Arrancar. I was also able to recall when Ikkaku first met Ken-chan and Yachiru and how they came to be in the same squad.

After a while I was starting to get sleepy so I decided it was best to read a bit then go to sleep, so I can start early today. However, several minutes after I closed my eyes, I found my body achey and agitated, not really because of kendo, but because my mind was SO AWAKE and it has been playing different kind of music at the same time, and has been flashing various scenarios, both those from my memory and those conjured by my head. I slowly opened my eyes and realized I was as awake as morning and that it was useless to keep pretending to sleep. >.<

Since I didn’t want to get out of bed and wake myself even more, I just logged on through my phone and checked some stuff, and impulsively sent a message about my insomnia >.< Immediately after that, I fell asleep >.< What the. 

My sleep was fitful, though, and I woke up tired and slightly anxious. 

Letting the Dust Settle

Was up at 5 AM *smug* (lmao) Did yoga in the deafening silence of the hour, and it was so early that I could still hear the house sleeping soundly and breathing slowly. After yoga I stepped out to the front yard and practiced kata and everything was so quiet! (Obviously I am not used to 5 AM.) Then, I went back in for breakfast (^^,)

I feel, however, that I will be so drowsy later that I will feel like I’m going to die I slept at some time past midnight. I was actually still wide awake, but I told myself to sleep and surprisingly, I obeyed. I fell asleep, though fitfully, and I kept getting up every hour or so :T My dreams were so chaotic I can’t remember them, except for the last one before 5 AM where I was looking at a bowl or platter of fruits, and the colors were so sharp that they hurt my eyes. I remember seeing apples which are way too red, grapes that are way too purple, and kiwis sliced in half and which are way too green. As I woke up, my last thought in the dream was that “kiwi-lime is good, but maybe as a drink and not as anything else,” and by “anything else” I think I was thinking of ice cream and cake. 

Before I got out of bed, my first conscious thoughts were last night’s agonizing state of being discovered. 

Like I know, anyone can see it, but it wasn’t supposed to be spelled out for anyone. 

In any case. That’s done, and it’s NOT gonna kill me or anything. 

I just have this slight uncomfortable feeling though that it has made him wary/uncomfortable/freaked out, and I won’t be surprised if he had to succumb to the shelter of her. Not that he needs protection from me, but I am used to how some can find me quite overwhelming or draining at times. 

So. Moving forward. I guess the uncomfortable phase has passed, hence the high energy level last night and the fitful sleep. Besides, I felt like cold water has been poured over me. Last night pa lang :p

I feel confident, though, that I have started moving towards a safe distance again, so I am no longer as distraught. Or so I think. Maybe it’s because the whole thing is just morphing into something else that looks safer and less threatening, though is still something essentially the same. (unsure)

In any case, now that the dust is settling in my world from last night, I just need to keep trying moving forward and away from this deadend. Deadend deadend deadend.  

The Episode with the Dying Bird

Yesterday was like an entire anime episode There were several things that happened but all throughout the “episode” was the dying bird. When the episode ended, so did the bird *_*

My sister picked me up around 3 pm - we were going to practice our kata, but she also had to learn the the second and third, then we can practice. Mao was going to teach her, and correct my mistakes too, since I need someone to watch my kata too. I brought some of my homemade green tea chocolate for Denise, since she would be joining us. 

So we practiced around 4 PM, and Denise came around 5:30. Around 5 PM, we noticed this tiny bird sitting by the table where we placed our things. We went to it and realized it was a hatchling, and it still could not use its legs properly. It kept trying to spread its wings and fly, but it couldn’t push itself upward just yet. We left it where it was and continued practice until around 7 PM.

My sister carried the bird in her hands, and it woke and perched itself on her fingers. It was enough to allow him to rest on his claws. After a few seconds, it went back to sleep. We decided to find a box for it to rest and to take it home, so we can place it in our backyard where there are several others of its kind. But since we still had to go someplace else, we just left it first in a tiny box with thin paper lining inside, and left tiny grains, in case it it able to eat. Then, we all washed up and went out for dinner (Denise and I had one of the best sisig ever, and my sister and Mao got something else, though my sister kept reaching across to my plate and wanted my food instead. 

After dinner we dropped by my house, because my dad needed help in something, then we went to the Coffee Bean for coffee, tea, and desserts. When we went back to Mao’s to watch a movie. We checked out the hatchling first, and it was still okay, though it looked tired and stressed. We gave it some water in a small bottle cap but it was just sitting helplessly on one side of the box.

then I remembered that when it was able to balance itself and close its eyes to relaxed when it was perched on my sister’s finger, so I suggested that we look for a long twig outside to insert through the holes on each side of the box. That way, it can perch on the twig, rest, and be able to strengthen its legs. At this time, Mao was somewhere in the house taking care of something. So, my sister, Denise, and I stepped out to hunt for a long twig which we can give to the bird. 

We “hunted” at the garden, and found a long twig which has fallen from a big plant, and went inside to put it through the box holes. My sister lifted the bird and helped it perch itself on the twig. However. the twig was too thin and the bird couldn’t balance, so it turned and hung upside down, its wings spread. At the exact moment, Mao came out of the home theatre and found us surrounding the upside-down bird, and asked why we are trying to turn it into a bat. 

My sister gently put down the traumatized bird in the box, and we took out the twig. I suggested that we should find a THICKER piece of twig, as thick as my sister’s finger, so that the bird can balance itself. We stepped out again and found this lovely plant with promising branches, but we didn’t want to risk our necks because it was a flowering plant. 

We decided to step out the gate and look at the plants by the sidewalk, careful not to unknowingly take the neighbors’ plants. We found a row of flowering plants with several thick branches, and decided to take a piece since there were hardly any flowers anyway plus there were lots of that kind of plant. My sister tried breaking a long piece but it was too thick and she couldn’t. So we just deciced to find any kind of thick stick in the house. 

Back inside, we looked for possible alternatives to a thick piece of twig, until I found SCISSORS. So we went out again and decided to cut a piece of the branch. Finally, after much struggling and looking out for roaches, we triumphantly went back inside to insert the branch into the hole, and to help the bird perch on it. However, the bird must have been so tired, and couldn’t manage to balance itself anymore. Denise suggested we let it rest because it must be so stressed already. So, we went to the home theatre and watched a movie. 

After about a couple of hours, we stepped out to prepare to leave, and to check on the bird. The lights in the living room were turned off, and I could only make out the shape of the bird. I felt it was dead because it was just in one corner, and it was no longer sitting up, but lying down. When the lights were turned on, we saw it lying on its side, its eyes closed, and it was already kind of stiff, like a stuffed bird. It seemed to have died in its sleep. 

So, we just decided to keep it in the box, then we asked Mao to bury it somewhere with all the twigs and grains inside, and at least it knew we tried to take care of it. It was not likely to survive anyway because it was still a baby. So, that was how our anime episode ended.

We went home late, and I was able to give Denise her green tea chocolate, and afterwards she sent a text message saying she liked it and that it was oishii (^^,) 

Later I will probably be practicing kata again with my sister; she’s coming over late in the afternoon. 

Saisho no Keiko

Somehow, it keeps recurring in my head all day :T And I realized just now it was the first. 

So now, time to move on. Enough na

Lavender

As Denise has pointed out, it’s like a lavender scent. 

And last night, despite the huge wound under my left foot, I tried my best to manage to last the practice because surprisingly, I had a bit of extra energy. The huge wound was distracting me though. Anyway, so yeah, the faint scent of lavender. This time though, I was not distracted >.< I did notice it though and I can still remember it :”> I wish these nice thoughts can get me through the day. I don’t want to feel bad anymore T.T

A Very Slight Pause

Very briefly, after I attacked and ran past him, and turned to get ready, I slightly paused, spaced out, and uttered this entire sentence in my head: “Oh my god he smells so good.” Fortunately, he didn’t attack just yet so I was able to return to my senses. 

:D

I promise not to let that happen next time >.<

A Sort of Nightmare

This might be due to some kendo-related stress, though the dream is too weird

I found myself in the dojo, with practice about to start, when I discovered that I was wearing a long (as in long - I could trip on my dress if I was not careful) and semi-fitting dress, with a hood. I was panicking because I realized that practice was going to start in a few minutes. Just then, the club president approached me and told me sternly to go and change. I dragged this huge bag with me to the bathroom, and felt somewhat relieved because it means I can still practice. However, as I dug through my bag, I discovered that I have left my gi and hakama at home. I called my mom and told her I left them. She said that she and my dad saw my gi and hakama and were thinking if they should drive to the dojo to bring it. But I said not to because I would hate to wait around wearing a very inappropriate dress, and I felt that the club president would be so angry if he finds out I was totally careless for not bringing my stuff. I was so panicking in the bathroom that my dream shifted to a different scenario.

@_@

I slept at 6 AM this morning. Was up all night T.T

I guess partly it’s the plan, plus the magic of cherry blossoms, plus my own struggles, plus the start of another work week (as of now, though, some ideas are brewing in my head). 

Today’s State

I woke up feeling crampy and nauseous T.T I’ve been trying to decide if I should go to today’s practice. Cramps and nausea are not exactly a good combination T.T I feel that I should just rest the whole day and just stay in bed and nap whenever I can. However, I also feel that I don’t want to miss today’s practice because I want to learn how to properly do kata, plus it’s the first shiai of the year and I want to know what stuff I need to work on (apart from my “need for speed”), plus I really just want to practice, plus I need to face some other… stuff.

So anyway. I drew  a rune for this as I mentioned previously (ouch cramps cramps)

… had to stop because it’s so painful. Wait.

So anyway. Here’s the rune of Uruz:

“An opportunity disguised as a threat. Mental agility. Physical development, mental and bodily health. Power.“

“Uruz encompasses physical strength, endurance, courage, and the raw, wild power of freedom. It includes emotional and spiritual strength…”

“You have the strength within you to fulfil all your dreams, but with strength comes responsibility. Strength is not a force to wield over others, but a force to stop others exerting power over you. Use your strength to keep focused on your path and to stop yourself being outmanoeuvred. There will always be negative people, but don’t let them upset you. Master your own ego and you will succeed.“

So. How apt. The rune of STRENGTH. So, this rune also supports my decision to go. Have to go now. 

:D

Saturday kendo practice took me by surprise. Kata was suddenly incorporated into the agenda so I also had to buy my bokken already. It was my first time to learn it and I was totally, totally lost Because of my poor eye-hand coordination and sense of direction, I was a sore thumb in the line of kendoka doing their kata properly. They were all doing it correctly and at the same time, and I was… late in my movements and stepping with the wrong foot. I think the word “helpless and hopeless” was written in Nihongo all over my face, so Takahashi-sensei was correcting me many times and at one point had to stand beside me and tell me to imitate what his feet are doing (and of course I was still making mistakes). >.<

So anyway, it was my first time and I will practice it again >.< 

After that, there was the usual practice, and what I learned from Allan-sempai the other time was really helpful for me last Saturday (^^,) 

Then it was time for lining up and men tore, and I had a freakin’ MOMENT Aaaargh Really, I got so GIDDY WITH GLEE. Ah, だいすきてす､ だいすきてす!

(^^,)

Ohayou!

Ang aga ko ‘no *smug* 

Especially that at this time, I’ve done my yoga, practiced kendo a bit, prepared and had a full breakfast, and have checked my personal emails

I slept late last night, the usual Sunday night syndrome. I turned off the lights and the TV (yes, I watched TV last night) around 12:45 am, but I wasn’t able to fall asleep right away. Eventually I decided that even if I fall asleep late, I will get up early so I can finish things early. 

:D

Sanma and Onions

I didn’t go to kendo practice tonight because I had to do some work. At first, it seemed okay, but as 7 pm drew nearer I got agitated, because I knew that I wasn’t going to be part of the practice and I was somewhat itching to go all of a sudden. Anyway, I just made a promise to myself to plan better next time so I can go to practice no matter what. 

So, my sister just invited me to go to her place for dinner, so I went there around 8, bearing fortune cookies and yogurt jellies. She grilled sanma and oven-roasted onions and eggplants and then added some arugula. We ate these with freshly cooked rice. It was all SUPER good. YUM.

After a while she made coffee, and we ate it with our fortune cookies Mine said “Those who sow blessings shall reap plentiful blessings.” How Year-of-the-Harvest-y Around 11, my dad picked me up, so I’m now back here at home It was a very nice dinner (TENGKOO.)

Amanda’s Last Practice for January

Last Saturday was Amanda’s last practice with us, since she will be flying back to Belgium soon. After kendo we had our dinner at the usual place then headed to UCC for coffee and dessert. Then we had our photos taken - all girls, then all boys. Won’t post na the one for the boys

First Wednesday

It was my first time to join the Wednesday practice and I survived the intensity, except for the last part when I got a little dizzy and nauseous. After the last seiza though, I felt a little better. Generally it was okay, and it was nice to hear my kote men described as “(good… good…)…beautiful” and to be told “good kote” in keiko , each incident by a different sensei (^^,) However, my speed totally sucks and I need to get my energy and stamina up if I want to live. Not such a bad first time on a Wednesday though, and Ikkaku-chan was also quite supportive (^^,) Also, all the sensei were there (^^,) I just really need more practice because I feel like I am going downhill.

Anyway, my rune said by the way that I should focus on the right motives - on self-conquest (and not dominating others) and enjoying the task for the sake of the task itself (and not lusting after outcomes).

In a way, things do feel like starting all over again, and I wish I can do well. 

So, it was just a quick update, have to finish some stuff before I go to sleep. 

Last na: Hehe. I also drew another rune. For the other particular wish. I was told that the process might be long, but I should just focus on the present, and know that I will succeed. Somehow, this seems like a continuation of the previous one I drew for the same thing, where it said fishermen repaired nets when they can’t go out to fish, which is what I should do to the Self, when I cannot go Catch yet. And so now, the long process of “birth,” but I should remain in the present and just trust that I will succeed. Fears are expected, but I should remain sincere, tranquil, and empty. Ah. Watashi no kokoro. 

What Everyone Should Hear

“It’s like a tune or melody you’re creating. You can either make it resonate or create something dissonant, but it’s a tune basically. Make beautiful music. Do beautiful kendo.”

- Kiwi

Shifting

“Take that anger, realize that it is mostly pride, and know that pride is not necessarily a bad thing, and nurture that pride into something positive.”

“Nurture this pride and hold it dear not because of self importance but because of self worth.”

- Pinball head (^^,)

Oyasumi, Ikkaku-chan

I will not write the entire detail of my anger. But, I must say I woke up angry and was fuming at certain periods.

In any case, when I first talked to a friend, the burden was somehow lightened but I still felt that weight on my chest. 

Being in a position which I would love to hear something from, I also told Ikkaku-chan, after which I felt much better already. It’s almost like what my rune said, but with more situation-specific wisdom on the side.  I guess I can go to sleep tonight with more peaceful thoughts and energies. 

Ikkaku-chan, arigatou gozaimashita! (^^,)

Coffee with Mihara-san (^^,)

The strawberry-flavored Hello Panda was from my lootbag from kendo I haven’t eaten it yet I love it, except that there is too much food so I’m saving it for a lazy day (This photo makes me want another mug of coffee… not as small as the one Mihara-chan is holding, though.) 

Garden Breakfast

My sister woke me up this morning, loudly asking me if I wanted taho. Groggily and without opening my eyes, I said yes. Then I tried going back to sleep but my mind is already wide awake, so I got up. (Since Sunday I have not been able to sleep long.) Then breakfast was prepared in the backyard again, and we ate there. 

Now, I have to fix my room because it’s been a mess for quite some time and I shopped yesterday for stuff again. I also haven’t wrapped any presents except those two I gave to a couple of kendo friends, Cecille F. and Cecile M. (I gave the super good chocolate cupcakes to Denise.) However, I am starting to feel sleepy again. In any case, there’s nothing planned for today so I basically got lots of free time (^^,)

I’m still feeling somewhat lost and partly hollow. I hope things get much better soon, though. 

Happy Photos (^^,)

Took lots of photos but posting just a couple Many pics from the game and the raffle and the two Santas but won’t post them all for the sake of the people in those photos  

So here are a couple of the happy photos. One is with Kato-sensei who’s leaving for Tokyo T.T The other is with two other sensei who were there last night and practiced kendo too before that (^^,)

Some Changes T.T

Practice was really good today and it was amazing I lasted and I was not exactly dead nor panting and dying. So practice today was a happy thing. However the girls were moved to the boys’ side though we practiced among ourselves, together with Inoue-san. Takahashi-sensei taught some guys who were selected to practice with him. So, there. T.T

In the end we had kakari keiko with Kato-sensei because he’s leaving because he’s returning to Tokyo T.T

Then, next year, Yukita-san will let us know about new kyu, so our batch may eventually get to practice Wednesdays. But the next Saturdays will be pretty much like today, so we won’t be always under Takahashi-sensei T.T 

So anyway, today was the last practice of the year. We also had our yearend party which was so much fun and everyone got prizes and I happened to get one of the prizes donated by Takahashi-sensei (^^,)

Everyone got loot bags (yay Meiji love Meiji) which were given away by Yukita-san and Yamanishi-sensei, wearing Santa hats and funny face masks

Fortunately my sister brought her camera so we were able to take pictures of people and we had ours (some of the girls) taken with all the sensei (^^,) Happies (**,)

Okay, bigla tayong nagshift from T.T to (^^,) Hahaha. 

Quickie

I am stepping out (again) in a while so this will just be quick. A quickie update from yesterday. Besides, I am achey all over and Sunday-sleepy and Sunday-lazy. 

So, yesterday was yearend shiai. I lost Not that I’m elated about it, but wala, that’s part of practice. I feel grateful, though, because of course, I always learn something in every shiai. Note to self, after a very painful hit, I should get myself together right away Well because it was a random match, and I fought with this muscly strong guy who struck one after another. So far, I was aware of what was happening. Then at one point, he intended to hit my do, but it landed on my right thigh, and it was a VERY strong hit. I paused and felt some kind of electrical sensation travel down my leg, and the part that got hit seemed to vibrate with an almost audible droning sound. After that, I was disoriented all throughout the rest of the match and was trying to move my leg, and I just tried to do what I can until he scored and time was up. 

Of course, it is now greenish purple Mawawala naman sya so okay lang. Besides, this guy really fights like that, I mean he’s like that whoever his opponent is. So at least I know he’s not deliberately trying to harm or impress. After practice, we got to talk and he was saying sorry but I said not to worry because it’s part of the whole practice. He explained he was used to having taller opponents and it’s just now he fought with someone as short as I am, so he miscalculated and hit too low. Hehe. I felt… so short. But anyhoo, I’m not really injured and the bruise will heal like all my other bruises. Mas matagal pa ngang magheal ang ibang bagay kesa sa bruise ko e

Kendo was just sort of bitin lang again because I thought there was going to be waza before shiai but we jumped into shiai right away. Buti na lang there’s one more practice so, yay (^^,)

After practice I got a token for my attendance (89%) and our lovable sensei gave us all tenugi (^^,) Arigatou gozaimasu! (^^,)

Then it was the usual dinner with Mao Mao, Allan-sempai, Denise, and my sister, plus Amanda.

So now, I have to start getting ready because still have to step out. 

Last note, i tried not to stare and steal glances ^.^ I realize it actually helps calm me down. 

-_-

I didn’t like my kendo so much yesterday. It was almost like I was dead. I could have done much better. I guess I was distracted again. :T 

I’ve got two more classes before the long break so I promise myself I will not be distracted by anything else and just focus on what I have to do. 

Hay naku. Kainis. 

Anyway, I will keep in mind what Ned-sempai taught us after about relaxing the mind and making only necessary movements. At least that’s one thing I learned, apart from having to remind myself not to be distracted. 

>:T

Lasted Because of the Change in Routine :D

So today in practice, things were done differently because we had to adjust to some minor changes. First, we only had one sensei at the start so the women’s team was lined up with the boys, although we were rotating within our own group. The direction was different though, and the side of the first motodachi was different. I know it sounds odd, but when there are things like that, I manage to last because it’s like something is new. Speaking of new, I got a new left kote from Mrs. Yukita, and it’s so snug and comfortable and when I tried it on it fit me SO PERFECTLY. I have had my existing kote repaired c/o Mao Mao so I didn’t want to buy it anymore, but when I tried it on and she said I should keep it first while I think about it, I tried it on again and again and loved it more. So, I bought it She will try to look for a pair for it in her kote collection. The one I have has never been used, but it has no pair yet. I’m keeping it as reserve anyway, and maybe I can use it sometimes too, even if it’s smaller than my existing kote (which explains to comfy, snug feeling). I’m so happy with it

So, after the first hour, we had our shiai (won yay) and that’s when two other sensei came. On the second hour though, we were still lined up with the boys and our lovable sensei didn’t stay with us all the time and practiced with some of the boys too. Fortunately I was able to practice with him yay I think he randomly picked people to practice with. I’m also glad I lasted the entire practice and wasn’t totally passive during ji geiko as I would be when I am exhausted. 

A happy practice A happy evening

めんがぬ 2

So, another めんがぬ incident. Hehe. Hay. Hehe. So ano ba talaga ANYWAY, so, it was a different one. 

“おぬがいします｡” 

And so it began. New lessons to learn about timing. And then I was at the edge of an imagined cliff, and turned into a cornered animal, which I know shouldn’t be, so, a reminder PAT on the head. 

わらい｡

Both hands on my men. 

The silent touch of めんがぬ｡

Then a command to come out of the magic of cherry blossoms. 

Back to the synchronicity of ki, ken, and tai.

Changing My Life

During the first few weeks of hades I went through, I filled my working afternoons with Life by Yui. Oddly though, somewhere in the background of my mind, sat a form of comfort. And it wasn’t anything yet. Little by little, even if with difficulty, I started moving towards the change. And the comfort started growing too.

As with all things, the comfort evolves, so that sometimes it becomes a sort of anxiety or lengthy pondering. In general though, it has been serving its purpose well and can still always manage to snap me out of a dreamy state when I become too… dreamy. (Hence, the synchronicity.) I guess it is partly because of the wisdom of those who have lived much longer to learn more lessons, those who started living ahead and had seen more, heard more, and done more. 

Will this form of comfort evolve further until it manifests in front of me, or will it simply always be just there, at a safe distance, or somewhere in my head, safely enclosed, and exists just as a reminder of where one’s true self and wisdom lies? I will only know through time. But I do know that I have been changing my life since then, and I know that I have never stopped growing. Even the halts were part of my growth.

Now, I can only wish for the best. From where I came from, I am still walking, though more calmly, and a clearer view of the next few feet, if not where it will bring me. That I have yet to find out. I hold on to that form of comfort, but I have yet to see what will be next. 

(Somehow too, it’s nice to be able to define that aspect as a form of comfort. Looking back, it has helped me get by, and helps me to look forward.)

Sleeping Socks

Since kendo of last week, I’ve been experiencing some pains in my right achilles tendon, so I tried stretching my foot in different ways. I tried doing what Allan-sempai told me to do but it was too achey. So, in the evenings, until I wake up in the morning, I would apply some Salonpas gel-from-hell (ang init e) on the achey area then sleep with these socks on (I chose them because I love the color hehe)