About Haku-chan

あきもせずにあなたのことをかんがえてる… 

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A Momentary Ache >.<

So at this hour, I am flooded by vivid memories… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

あなたのidol

All afternoon, I have been listening to… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

もう、大好き >.<

“ほんのすこしわかりあえたころ

“そんああなたをかんじている

“I will love you.”

(I Will Love You ~ゆい)

*___*

そすけちゃん、

YOU ROCK.

>.<

Yuki-kun!!! >.< ***Spoiler Alert***

I forgot to mention that a few Saturdays ago, I found the fifth book of the Fruits Basket Ultimate Edition. Ever since, I’ve been switching from Shigure-san to Kyo-kun, but in this book, Hatsuharu-kun has been added, and then in the end, it was all about Yuki-kuuuuun :”> 

*MELT* XD

Oh, Yuki!!! XD *heartbeats* 

Back

I think I am much more grounded now (^^,) I blogged and organized photos watched anime (still watching now, in between other tasks, so that I do not get trapped, especially since the rain is making it so nice to watch anime all day!) and my dad came and brought me Manila Scramble XD It was SO good XD During my time as a kid, there were these street foods sold outside the school, which is basically made up of pink crushed ice topped with Brown Cow and powdered milk, then you eat it with a tiny spoon. Amazingly, it seems to be back, and my dad bought some for me and my mom (^^,) 

Now I think I am fully grounded and will do my Nihongo homework. Of course I still adoreサイバさま but my reiatsu can manage his again
(^.^)

Hey That Worked XD

What do you know, writing down the previous entry actually helped me release some of these strong emotions (^^,) His reiatsu is still shaking things up inside, but I am no longer as anxious (^^,) I just need to do some more things that will ground me, so that I can get back to a normal state - being able to balance his reiatsu with mine. Of course, it would be better if the setting were how I wish it to be, but until then, I just need to live and enjoy the now, with just the right increments of him adding color to my world. 

Me, Scattered

As of now, I am trying to find something that will ground me.

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Today is One of Those Nice Days

This morning I was supposed to wake up at 7, but I was unusually sleepy and exhausted, probably because of yesterday’s midterms and work, as Kiwi-chan pointed out. So, since I still did not have ANYTHING listed in my planner for today and the following days, I decided to sleep as much as I wanted, then just work and study after that. 

Plus, it was a little cold in the morning so I wanted to tuck in and sleep and think of サイバちゃん。。。

So I slept some more and got up a few minutes before 10, did yoga, then had a banana and hot Milo as I checked my mail and visited some games. After that I planned the rest of my day until Thursday. So basically I just worked and studied all afternoon, after which I found myself suddenly with free time, and I realize that today’s weather has been doing things to me.

It has been a rainy, gloomy, and a very wet day, and though it would make most people sleepy and lazy, it makes me so alive. My senses have been extra sharp and I have been extra calm, except for occasions when the music would make my heart race, or when certain changes in my wallpaper would take place XD (I set my desktop wallpaper to change every five minutes, and they are all images of やぎちゃん, and some images are just… killers. 

So anyway, I’ve been so enjoying the weather. It makes me alive and light and happy and everything. Not happy like, hyper, but just quietly happy. It makes me think of サイバちゃん too and it makes me WISH for him SO MUCH MORE but so far, I think I am becoming even better in keeping the emotions at bay, and not letting them rule my entire day, my thoughts, my actions, my plans, and not letting them distract me from work or school. 

I love the weather. My windows are open and the curtains are drawn apart to let the chilly wind come in. The sky is somewhat like Morrowind again, and it makes me wish for サイバちゃん, but the gloomy weather is so not making me gloomy. I just love it. I wish I could spend days like this with サイバちゃん。I wish he were thinking of me (^.^)

This day is a really nice one. It is happiness. 

Dear Adorable サイバちゃん

I wish I can

take long walks in Roponggi with you

share Chirashi and ramen with you

read a book with you beside me

share peanut butter popcorn with you

watch you nap and see your adorable face everyday. (and hear your adorable voice too XD)

>.< *fascinating new thing*

Can’t wait to see him again >>>.<<<<

こえ

サイバさま >.< あなたのこえが大すきです。 >>>.<<<

>.<

”むくちになるのはことばじゃたりないきもちがあふれてるから。”

>.<

サイバさま。。。

Surface

My mom woke me up this morning because some guys from the internet company needed to check on why my connection has been intermittent lately. 

After I was able to make sense of what she said, first thing that surfaced in my head was サイバさま >.< *quick heartbeats*

His voice, his voice!!!!! >>>.<<< *very quick heartbeats* 

サイバさま、大好きです！！！ >>>.<<<

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr >>>.<<<

*BURSTING WITH EMOTIONS*

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr >.< 

I need to contain this >>>.<<<

I will just let it sit on a small chair nearby and I will try my best to deal with the fact that it’s there, sitting on a chair, but at least it is not creating havoc in my life >>>.<<< *steals glances at The Cluster of Emotions and Thoughts to make sure it is behaving on its chair*

>>>.<<<

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy T.T 

O_O

This time last year, I went to hell. (Of course, it was involuntary.)

No need to spill gory details ^.^

I was going to write this last night, at the exact same time around which a major shift in my life took place. However, my internet provider has not been very cooperative lately so… anyway, I just thought I’d mention about going to hell. 

But the point is, I am here now. And though I went through some kind of phase last Monday (which I forgot to write about then), which is totally unrelated to my Involuntary Hell Trip, things have been more manageable than I thought. 

So yeah, I just thought I’d mention it. 

I am quite relieved that my death wish then didn’t come true. Pano na lang si サイバさん XD 

Loko lang. 

Well seriously, so far, so good. 

I will just try not to read so much into chance meetings and seemingly perfect timings so that I can finally break The Pattern. That also means letting サイバさん sleep inside my head for as long as he can. I have been tired and I will not lift a finger anymore (”.) 

My sister said it had seemed like it was SOOOOO Long Ago. Probably because so much had taken place too and the energies were so heavy that they seemed to have been dragging on for ages. 

So anyway. 

さようなら、先生。

さようなら、いっかくちゃん。

さようなら、all the false hopes. 

かれの名前

The other day, I was finally able to say his name to myself >.< (I know, it’s strange.)

It has been odd, being unable to say it, and I find myself automatically stopping once I start with the sound of the first letter. 

It was a struggle, but I was able to say it. I think I had to, because keeping it all locked up inside makes my head hurt XD

Then today, I am able to “mention” his name once in a while in my thoughts, or when I make WISHES. 

*wishes* >.< 

>.< He’s so adorable. Super >.< 

(Sometimes I get sudden flashbacks of how adorable he looks with his hair combed a certain way >.< I don’t even think he is fully aware it looks like that >.< かわいい！！！！！)

(There are also other random flashbacks of moments when he just Suddenly Looked Different >.<)

たいへんですね！

>.< Rrrrrrr >.<

In connection to The Funny Weird Thing I’m Feeling since last night, I guess I have come to a point when…

I have to live with it nowwwwwww >.< 

Because you see, last night, I wasn’t planning to go out, but I got so agitated and felt that I just had to get my head off thoughts related to it. It somehow worked,  and I just had fun with kendo friends. When I got home however, it was like The Thoughts were just calmly sitting on my chair in my room, waiting for me to rethink them and wallow in them. >.<

I slept really late, and just before I fell asleep, in a frenzied state of Thinking About It, I mentioned The Name >.< Rrrrrrrrr T.T It’s like naming an enemy or something though not in a Voldemort sort of way. It’s like admitting that something is a problem, or that a phase has been entered, or like the price of something has been punched in >.<

When I woke up this morning, I remembered it and now I can’t just get away and pretend I am not in the phase. Well I still can, but it’s like there’s A New Resident in my head >.<

And now I have to deal with the fact that I am Inside This Swirling Planet of Weird Emotions. >.< 

おかしい >.<

“今すぐあいたいよだけどそらはとべないから。” 

(ほうきぼし、ようんは）

>.< 

Why do I feel this wayyyyyyyyy >.<

Felt

Last night, internet connection became VERY wonky, so I wasn’t able to write a particular entry anymore >.< As I listened to some music and heard a song by Peaches again after a loooong time, I realize it elicits certain…. things:

intense emotions

maddening desire

delirious anxiety

a game of tug-of-war, my self pulling back my self, my self reaching out to obtain, cling.

Steal.

Big Steps, Another Set

Today, I was finally able to turn over That Particular Bag of Stuff. Finally, after having it for SO SO SO LONG. 

(For some reason I can’t create a hyperlink because this blog does not work well with Safari. Super malapit na akong lumipat ng blog. Plus so many people are complaining about the popups already.)

So anyway, letting go of the disappointment that I cannot create a link, I have also let go of the stuff. I guess all my defenses were up because I did not want to break down or whatever. I guess it is also good that I did it before Nihongo class so the joy I get from class will help in nursing whatever wound is reopened. 

Then today I realized that I still have an entire folder of emails under the one connected to The Bag, and I painfully deleted the entire folder too. I caught snippets of old messages and they felt like twisting daggers on my chest but then, I NEED to be brave and I NEED to be strong, so, though shaky, I am still alive.

Ouch ouch ouch.

This will heal, this will heal.

>.< 

An Automatic Playlist

Unconsciously, these just started playing in my head last night after having to deal with the presence of someone. In this order.  

You Really Got a Hold On Me

Black Hole

Got Me

Take It Back

The Morning Sad 

At least the order was right. Perhaps it was like going through the motions in musical form. And then I continue walking on. It just kind of contributed to how I woke up this morning though. This plus other things. All boiling down to Something I Don’t Like and Something I Do Not Wish to Dwell On.

So now it’s like wanting to be a Third Assistant Librarian to get the mind off not having gained the Sight yet.

I guess then, it’s time to be a Third Assistant Librarian. And better to take steps now though my heart is as crushed as the first Paperwing.  

>.<

I guess this is all because I woke up with an Ache.

Argh. Weight.

I think it’s just now I’m feeling the weight of The Unlikelihood. (I don’t want to call it Impossibility.)

>.<

T.T

>.< 

Kanji Game XD

In class today we had a Kanji game, and it was SUPER fun XD Of course, deadma na kung bata ang kalaban ko - it was all about WRESTLING (and screaming for us girls) for the right Kanji card XD I have this funny memory in my head of screaming and grabbing one of the Kanji cards from Ryoma-chan XD Anyway our team won XD We took home Dairy Milks XD 

Prior to that we had our famous (at least in our class), or one of the famous dialogues, the one with Miraa-san and Kimura-san XD My partner was Louie-san and at first he was decided to be as stoic and spaced out as the actual Miraa-san. So we went to the front and brough props (cell phones) and he rang my phone to make it realistic XD

However, when the part came for Kimura-san to decline Miraa-san’s invitation for the date, Louie-san started acting weepy and crushed, and unintentionally turned into a goat XD

Today was super fun (^^,)

Well, every class is fun but today was super because of the Kanji game excitement XD And it has been extra fun ever since the invisible barriers were taken away unknowingly by A Fateful Day XD

So anyway, one thing I learned was to target the bombugu-ya XD

By the way, and this is totally unrelated to my Japanese topic XD I had my haircut yesterday XD I was supposed to have it done by the usual hairstylist I go to but I didn’t know it was his off, but it was the only time I could get a haircut, and besides it was more of just a sidebangs cut. So when my parents and sister went to the mall, I tagged along and just decided to go to any salon I find For The Meantime. Then I found this salon which I think is run by a Korean couple, and it was the Korean guy who cut my hair, and I totally love what he did to me XD For a while there I felt like a momoko doll whose hair was being styled for something huge. Loooove love love love. Of course now I look more everydayish, but yesterday I stepped out of the salon feeling like… a doll. XD In a good way of course XD I even LOVE the way he tied back my hair in a ponytail (I also realized no one has tied my hair up in a ponytail for a long time XD) since I came in wearing a ponytail, except he twirled some of the hair at the sides of my head, which, amazingly, suddenly looked perfect XD And then each time he asked “Do you like it?” I wanted to scream “I love it!” XD 

So back to stuff NOT related to my hair, I am also glad I decided to work today XD Earlier today I was feeling a little ill but when I came back home I decided to work offline so I was able to bring the laptop (I am using a temporary computer because my real computer is in the Computer Hospital) to my bed and I worked as the weather changed from hot and sunny to rainy and chilly. So, I was able to finish work today and was able to do a lot, and enjoyed the weather while I was at it.

The rainy season has started I guess. I love it too! I love the heat of the summer but I love the chill of the rainy days too (^^,)

By the way, Aisha Duo and rainy weather equal Perfection. (^^,)

*Love love love* (^^,)

(Note to self: I am trying to ignore my SLIGHT, oh so SLIGHT fixation on a person template currently residing in my head. I guess it helps, though, that someone Super Super Kawaii is balancing that. So it is all just about the Happy Feelings XD) 

>.<

ジェラシイ

>.<

Stayed In Again

After kendo tonight I came home and didn’t go out. This is nice because I get to rest and I don’t spend so much >.<

For a while though, earlier, That Feeling I Don’t Like came to me, but I managed to just ignore it til it left after several minutes. Yesterday was one of the worsts. It lasted from ate afternoon til the middle of the evening, and I was telling my sister about it, how huge it can sometimes be that it is almost tangible, as if there is a bubble of it and I cannot fill in the space in it with something else. Lately I have been getting That Feeling I Don’t Like a bit more often than it would normally do before >.<

And then tonight, it was a like, the Universe told me that I may not have exactly followed the Recipe for Disaster, but still, everything I did was for… Nothing. >.< Generally, I am not bothered nor crushed by it, but sometimes I remember it and I realize something has changed because now I totally know it, or at least have a clearer idea, and then there is this slight tugging inside and I wince a bit. >.< 

So earlier tonight as I took a shower I was thinking how I thought this and that was so going to happen but they didn’t and I don’t think they ever will. 

Sometimes I just don’t know what to think anymore >.< 

*SIGH* 

>.<

A Memory of Ache and Mist

“Recently I have been spending time on skype, communicating with a loved one both present and absent. There are times when words, letters, and pictures need to be replaced by a haptic space of darkness and touch.”

Not that I have been spending time on Skype like the writer of these lines, but my mind just remembered a time when someone was always present, yet absent. Always present, that I seem to have him in my pocket, then I pull him out of it, and speak of nightmares, of things I remembered him by. Always present, I work, he is there, I kill time, he is there. I open inboxes and he is there. I close my eyes and he is there. But always absent, because he was never here. Never. Ever. On the few occasions we would be physically in the same place, we had to live and act in the way this particular universe is supposed to be lived. And not according to the other universe he has created, or we have created, but the bigger part of which was lovingly created by him, and I only came to sit on my princess chair. In that universe, no one else was present. In this universe, there are many people. So many people. 

And then I would go through many moments, so many that I lost count, when the sweetest, sprinkled words need to be realized. Especially when there are physical gaps that emanated with hope and longing.

*shift*

Well anyway, as the title says, it’s just a memory. It just struck me when I read the quoted lines. *sighs and moves on*

Interrupted

So yesterday, I was, uhm, interrupted. 

At first I was doing totally okay, but towards the evening, I was disoriented and my resolve was somewhat, trampled. I am quite annoyed - with myself. But then again, this is just a phase and I will be doing just fine again after a short while. I just need to remember what made me decide to drop the whole thing. The Morning Sad. Regardless of everything else before it. 

Hay. These halts are troublesome. 

Pretty Little Thing

Kawaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

>.<

(unsure)

First Day of Work

So it’s my first day of work in the new home ^.^ I didn’t work yesterday - I was cleaning and moving things and arranging my space all day. I moved here Monday night, after working in the empty house and saying goodbye to the trees and the house itself.

For some reason, I easily felt at home even on my first night ^.^ 

I also feel that when I left the old house, I left many other mental and emotional baggages ^.^

Cozy Home

Just got home from… home XD

I mean I just got home to our current ohme with my dad. We drove my mom to the other house. I also brought some of my stuff already and measured where I will place my bed. I also chose a curtain for my room and decided where to place the TV and other stuff. 

I also discovered a black cat (Black Cat!) at the corner of the street. He was calling out like my friend Cosi, and I think he also glared at me. I have yet to be sure though XD

The other house feels cozy already (^^,) Perhaps it’s also because it’s the first time I went there at night, plus the wind outside was cold, so everything felt pleasantly summery (^^,) 

Tomorrow morning, the moving-truck will take everything already except my computer and everything connected to my internet connection. So tomorrow after class, I will probably go home to the other house, then come here to work, then go home to the other house to sleep. Tuesday morning, the cable and internet lines will be transferred. So, everything else that’s left here will be taken there early Tuesday morning. 

Tomorrow evening I will say my farewell to the house, and to the backyard trees T.T Huling sleep ko na pala dito tonight *_* The room that housed all my personalities for the past nine years. *sigh* Hehe biglang nag-emote XD Sana the other house will witness better relationships and better people ^.^ 

Game Console in My Heart

Wii, PS, and PSP - Packed. 

Packed them separately in my “My Heart is Going to Burst” bag, carefully wrapped in soft shawls XD I remember buying that bag with Kenchan in mind >.< And heart. XD

To Be Continued

So, hindi na nasundan yung first batch of things that I packed XD Bukas ulit. I’m tired na. I’ve taken out already my biggest traveling bag (with flower wheels) and will pack na my Wii, my books, Mihara-san and all his faces and props, Reina-san and all her stuff, various decorative items, my bogu, swimwear, craft materials, games, among other things. 

Sana mabigay ko na That Particular Bag of Stuff >.< It’s really stressing me out. I am stressed by the idea of having to deal with some emotional turmoil again after the incident. Sobrang natrauma ako talaga last year when I felt like an invisible tie has been severed as I rode away. I bled until I got home, until the following day, until days after that. 

So anyway, (biglang nagkwento) I believe it will be another huge step, a clearing of the path. 

>.<

Got Me Not

I have managed to crawl out 

of your pocket

XD

And I find

what I thought was won 

still quite locked. 

Perhaps it was won, 

but I got it back and now it IS locked. 

(muhaha)

I had to crawl out of that pocket because it was too dark and if I stayed, I wouldn’t have tasted the light of day because I’d just be there all the time - tucked up and nothing else. I can’t really live with that. Especially this long. Because like everyone else, I need to see The Light of Day. Not curled up and shriveled. Kept and cannot be brought out into the open. While I am fully aware what is happening out there. 

And so, I crawl out. 

(And I realized this as I listened to the song and felt Nothing.)

Slight Fixation >.<

I have started to move on for quite some time, until I have recently realized that there is almost nothing left. Every now and then the memory of honmei would make my face feel like it’s burning, but other than that, all Those Big Emotions have sort of dwindled away. (There would be occasional declarations to the self, though, of what I would be willing to do, but they are Occasional and they are Things That I Do Not Intend to Discuss.)

I am slightly fixating though because earlier there was this tiny tiny tiny moment, which also took place last week, and the week before that, though these other two times were totally not mentioned because I totally brushed them off. It is because my mindset was that it was nothing, plus the absence of Those Big Emotions. Not that they aren’t “nothing” now, but it has somehow SUNK in and now I am slightly fixating. (I am sure though that this will be gone tomorrow or by the time I fall asleep.)

It’s just that I’ve been doing some… catching >.< 

>.<

Wake Up

The Morning Sad

Cycle

I’m a tree that grows hearts

one for each that you take.

Finished!

I’ve now fixed / reorganized next week’s schedule (and finished a pot of green tea - although I’ve started drinking this prior to the OC-schedule-fixing, as I studied Japanese vocab) - just for next week. Let’s see how that will turn out and then I can just make adjustments for the week after that. There are some things I took out from my daily skeds to make space for the classes, but that’s okay because the classes will only run for about two months. I’ll just think of the next class schedule when this one’s over. (Of course I need to pass first >.<)

Today, I wasn’t able to practice, buy cake, and do the home inventory (Will start packing at the last minute, AS USUAL. Maybe the books can be packed ahead, though.) Have moved “cake” and “inventory” to Sunday (good luck). I am so sure that “cake” sounds weird. It’s the movable Cake Day, which originated from 4moggs-of-the-disheveled-bunny, or his office where he is occasionally The Bald Boss. Anyway, my day has been full but I TOTALLY LOVE IT and The Music rocks my world (^^,)

I guess, too, that I feel somewhat “freer” (like that’s a word *sneer*) after the last rune reading and after telling the winds to carry away (more of implied to) what (or whom) I was letting go of. Of course I still have those occasional urges to totally THROW myself (like Wonderland Scones) into it, but the rune totally woke me up, and it helped me ease into the change/shift, whether or not it really existed. I do hope though, I stay fine like this long enough until… everything falls into place. 

O_o

And this is not a case of lust, you see
it’s not a matter of you versus me
It’s fine the way you want me on your own
but in the end it’s always me alone

I had a vision I could turn you right
a stupid mission and a lethal fight
I should have seen it when my hope was new
my heart is black and my body is blue

Looking Back

You were

purely intense and amazing.

>.<

Stopped

I hang around

for another round

until 

something stops me

And then, something stopped me. Oh so abruptly. 

Rise and Shine

I want to be alone for a while

I want the earth to breathe to me

I want the waves to grow loud

I want the sun to bleed down

See the waves go down

See the moon alone

I raise my head and whisper

Rise and shine

I want to see the wounded moon

I want the sea to break through

I want it all to be gone tomorrow

So I’ve come to say goodbye.

The Rune of Inguz

It is the Rune of Fertility.

I drew one last night out of the difficulty with particular changes. 

“Fertility embodies the need to share, the yearning to be desired, a search after similarities.

“… Drawing this Rune may mark a time of joyful deliverance, of new life, a new path. A Rune of great power, receiving it means that you now have the strength to achieve completion, resolution, from which comes a new beginning. Above all, completion is crucial here… Perhaps a difficult state of mind can be clarified or resolved. The appearance of this Rune indicates that you must fertilize the ground for your own deliverance.

“All things change and we cannot live permanently amid obstructions… As you resolve and clear away the old, you will experience a release from tension and uncertainty. 

“You may be required to free yourself from a rut, habit, or relationship… some activity tha was quite proper to the self you are leaving behind.”

べんごし

So I woke up completely nervous because I thought my dream was real. It was so clear, so real, so vivid, that it seemed like it actually happened just yesterday. It was so real that as soon as I opened my eyes, I was afraid to look beside me and was afraid to hear somebody else moving about.

“Luke” (because of very faint hints of Luke Wilson), a former college friend, came to my house, asked me out, so we did, and the dream progressed quickly, and then we were acting so “together,” and we were hanging out with my sister and Mao, and he was getting things for me and doing things for me, basically he was being everything I would want a boyfriend should be, except that I wasn’t too crazy about him. At the back of my head, I was somewhat worrying being with him because I knew that though I could like him, the idea of being together was just “too much.” But I think I brushed off the thought and just enjoyed how he was being so PERFECT. 

After a while we were leaving a house, after hanging out with kendo friends, and my sister and Denise went to see us off, and as he walked toward the car, I turned back to my sister and Denise and whispered, “Bengoshi! Bengoshi,” as if saying something like “I ended up with a bengoshi after all,” realizing that I was beginning to totally like this person. My sister laughed at the thought and Denise snickered. As I said “bengoshi” the second time I was starting to wake up.

When I woke up, I BRIEFLY felt relieved, thinking that, “I am waking up so it must have been a dream and I am not in a pseudo-relationship that I am not sure about.” Then just as quickly I thought, “No, wait, that happened yesterday! We were with my kendo friends!” And then I froze up and “remembered” I slept over at his place, and was terrified to move and turn my head to see him sleeping, and was afraid at the same time to hear someone else moving in some other part of the house, in case he was already awake. And then very quickly I relaxed and thought, “No, wait, I already like him and want to be with him.” And then quickly I froze up again and thought, “no wait, so I’ve been in a relationship since when??? I don’t remember anything except the stuff we did yesterday! I should call up my sister and Denise!” And then quickly, “wait, that was a dream…. right?” And then I started to move slowly, until I realized it was a dream. All that in about 10 seconds. 

As I brushed my teeth, I was quite relieved to know it was all a dream and I am not required to catch up with everything that has happened with “Luke,” though a tiny part of me felt sorry to “lose” a PERFECT “Luke,” or not wake up to a PERFECT “Luke,” or to discover that such a PERFECT “Luke” is not really in my “possession.” Hahahaha.

Selling Letters

I was going through one of my favorite online shops and they are currently selling vintage Ms and vintage Ps. Those exact characters.

T.T

That isn’t right T.T Ms tend to be sold out and Ps tend to be worn out. Ms just gradually drift away and become strangely quiet T.T

Oyster Boy and Girls

Lee, one of our kendo batchmates, has returned from Japan on the last week of March, then last Saturday, she came by the dojo (^^,) She didn’t practice yet and will start practicing again this coming Saturday, so yay!

After kendo practice last weekend, we went out as usual, but we girls decided to go someplace else so we can catch up and have girl talk XD So Lee, Denise, my sister, and I went to Oyster Boy (because Denise was having a craving fit XD) and had two dozens of oysters and crab fat rice. As of this minute, buhay naman kaming lahat. After dinner we met up with the boys already and had coffee/tea/dessert at Kopi Roti then went home around 1 or 2 am. 

The dinner and time with the girls was like SUPER FUN and we had Top 5 lists of something that I can’t mention or else we all get into trouble XD But in any case it was really great, especially the bit about Sebastian and Lumiere and their sort of counterpart. XD

Sunday we went out again to watch a movie and have dinner, though last night before I fell asleep I went into a bit of a depression bout but I managed to fall asleep so I guess it’s okay. 

This morning I woke up somewhat bothered that I would get distracted at yoga, and would catch myself WONDERING WHAT THE HELL happened but I guess I knew already except that sometimes I get annoyed. 

-_-

I have been very very very very very very sleepy lately. >.< I mean, I’m normally sleepy at certain times of the day, but lately is just, almost a killer. I just lean back my chair and I start dreaming. I don’t really have trouble sleeping lately, so it’s weird. I believe my sleeping time is also quite normal. 

Then this morning, I figured it must be because of a certain SHIFT. 

It’s a shift I choose not to write about yet. Or maybe not at all. Just thinking about it makes me SO tired already >.<

So basta, may shift. I knew it has come. I felt it as it came, and I felt it when it finally came. And I guess I am riding it smoothly, because most of the time things just became effortless for me, though I still need to get used to it. (I think it was most difficult as I felt the shift making its way, but got better when it has finally come.) Besides, I don’t know what this shift will bring about. I’m just trying to busy myself and I cross my fingers to hope for the best. 

PS. I am also trying not to miss anything. Otherwise, my resolve will be destroyed.

XD

After writing the earlier entry, the anxiety grew back, and I was almost preparing myself for more anxious time, though I’ve been trying to let it go. 

Now, I am no longer agitated >.<

And then it’s just then I realized why I am no longer anxious >.< (Omg nakakahiya. LMAO.) Uhm. >.< Oh nooo. I’m just glad I am no longer anxious. Or at least THAT anxious. It’s just a little embarrassing when I realized why I’ve been anxious all day T.T 

It’s because since last night, I have sensed that strange kind of quiet, and I brushed it off last night, or during the wee hours, because I was already too tired physically from kendo and the late night out, and so I woke up to an anxious day, and the anxiety grew and so on, and only a while ago did I realize that I’ve been anxious because of the quiet I sensed >.<  Rrrrrghh. It’s like a totally different kind of “separation anxiety” and a very strange version I know Xp