The Rune of Inguz

It is the Rune of Fertility.

I drew one last night out of the difficulty with particular changes. 

“Fertility embodies the need to share, the yearning to be desired, a search after similarities.

“… Drawing this Rune may mark a time of joyful deliverance, of new life, a new path. A Rune of great power, receiving it means that you now have the strength to achieve completion, resolution, from which comes a new beginning. Above all, completion is crucial here… Perhaps a difficult state of mind can be clarified or resolved. The appearance of this Rune indicates that you must fertilize the ground for your own deliverance.

“All things change and we cannot live permanently amid obstructions… As you resolve and clear away the old, you will experience a release from tension and uncertainty. 

“You may be required to free yourself from a rut, habit, or relationship… some activity tha was quite proper to the self you are leaving behind.”

Stuck Here

Getting misty over you.

T.T

*achey* 

:(

Earplugs, onegai.

Just got home from kendo. I’m glad I lasted (^^,) Despite my mistakes by the time I got too tired to have the proper timing. (By the way, Takahashi-sensei was suddenly talking about “Garcia-san” joining “next year” at the “shiai in Hong Kong.” For a minute I wanted to hide while asking where that came from.)

Also, I have just made a decision >.< (Hindi na ‘to kendo related. I mean hindi na related sa kendo practice. >.<)

I won’t na >.<

I totally appreciate the kindness, but I realize I can hardly get it together when my ears start to bleed from my own required silence. My silence, which perpetuates the bleeding. Of my ears, my brains, my heart. My silence, which requires me to witness that which makes me bleed.

So, this will be the last. And I better stick to that decision AT ALL COSTS. 

>.<

Lost in This Carnival

Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
To shut my eyes
And play along
Hypnotized
Paralyzed
By what my eyes have found
By what my eyes have seen

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Have I been wrong
Have I been wise
Have I been strong
Have I been
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have found
In that great street carnival

Was listening to random music lang this morning and it just stood out and found it so apt >.<

In any case, I am currently desensitizing myself, and I think I am doing really well, and I need to desensitize myself so that I am unaffected in any unusual way by his presence (or absence). I can’t keep holding my breath for the next moment. I can’t keep wincing when he writes or posts something that is clearly not for me. I can’t keep living in a secret universe which cannot fit into where I really am, everyday of my life. 

Never

NEVER na talaga. Ayoko na. 

A Shift Before Sleep

So obviously I was in a kind of rut last night, and just as I said, I was going to be back to my cheerful, warm self. And I did! 

I slept late because since I was staying at my sister’s to look after the king neko, I still had to do the dishes and put away some things before taking a bath and catching some sleep. At first I was semi-sulking (Semi??? Hahaha) and was being somewhat cheered up by a couple of friends over text. Eventually, though, I decided not to pay attention to the discussion of the selves, as well as the chaos of thoughts in my head. Then I just decided to play a song on loop, and it just worked! After a couple of hours I just finished the chores, and took a bath with the song still playing in my head. By the time I climbed to bed and read my book (almost done with the Queen of Attolia) I was feeling so much more relaxed and cheery. 

With a better mood, I decided before going to sleep that I should let one thing go (on the day of the Plan I drew the Separation Rune), and I accepted the fact that I am totally wishing for what I was wishing for the other night and have more wishes trailing after it. I  guess it helped to admit it instead of fight it, and so I was able to sleep soundly. 

So, Last Night’s Runes

After the update on the ingredient came, and after I have settled into my sister’s place (staying here for a few days with the kingcat), I drew a couple of runes. One is for my confusion whether to continue the plan or not, and the other is for some general insight about the Third Seat. I was somewhat inclined by this time to continue with the Plan, but I still wanted to draw a rune for it, hence I perpetually go back and forth until I end up regretting not doing anything and wasting so much time trying to decide. >.<

It took me a while to understand what the Dagaz rune was telling me, until its significance of a Breakthrough dawned on me. Breakthrough. Again, it speaks of an assured outcome, though unpredictable from the current vantage point. I also realized it is the Final rune in the cycle of Initiation. And again, it is about leaping into the void, empty-handed. Also, there is the reminder of not losing the self into thoughts of the future and behaving recklessly. As I started understanding the whole reading, I felt resolved about pushing through with it. 

And, to add to that, as I drifted to sleep, I found a way to make the Plan more…. presentable. I realize I can be more creative and not be overwhelmed by its seemingly complicated process. I can simplify it and make it less “scary” too. (^^,)

With regard to the Third Seat, all my previous insights about it were just further confirmed by the Thurisaz rune, reversed. It practically captured my initial perception that perhaps I am just having a form of difficulty and I might just be succumbing to it, without realizing that I may create more problems for myself later on, bigger than that which I intend to resolve. Great care is required of me so that I do not act hastily and deceive myself of my motives. My intentions should be clear with regard to the “difficulty” - looking back I have already somewhat been swayed, hence the confusion.  It is not really anyone’s fault really. As I realized too last night, as I climbed to bed and felt like a part of me was seeking the Third Seat, that I was just really probably anxious about the Plan, plus about my practice, plus about other things that I worry about, plus the recurring dreams, and the Third Seat just apparently was in all the EXACT places where I NEEDED someone to be. So with the seeming timeliness of it, I fell into a certain kind of “comfort zone” that it provided. But then again, I should always remember to take the caution which the reversed Gateway rune spoke of.

As someone also advised me, I shouldn’t define it so much nor try to FIGHT it. Just let the emotions have its say, like let it sit, until it dissipates. Because personally, you see, it will not really lead to anything. It’s a deadend. Sadly, it is a deadend. 

Time to Run Away

*sigh*

And so it is time for me to run away. Away, to a safe place. As FAST as I can.  Where endless questions will not bug me and meaningless words will not tug at my heart.

On second thought, why should I run away? I can always stay put and be just as safe as I can be anywhere else. If I run away, it doesn’t mean it won’t chase me. I can choose to stay and not be perturbed. 

So, I just got to be strong. 

Besides, I have yet to unveil my Plan. Perhaps, yes, this is all a displacement of my anxiety about the Plan. A sweet escape. 

A Turn of Events

It seems I have found a source of inspiration, though I know not what it is, yet. But it seems like it is springing from this state of anxiety that I am in. I guess last night I couldn’t sleep because the mild anxiety that came with the insomnia was brewing as the source of new inspiration. I am not sure how that is all supposed to work in a positive and inspiring manner, so I guess it is best to just wait and see. In the meantime, I need to focus on what has to be done. My daily morning “commitments” are still regularly being done, no matter what time I slept the night before and whatever my mood is for the day. I think this helps me focus and stick to my plans and make decisions more easily about things. 

As for the anxious state that I am in, I guess it will have to wait until it has fully evolved into something much more inspiring in form. 

Wide Awake @_@

Yes. 

At this time.

It’s almost 4. 

And I still intend to wake up at 7 for some morning commitments and then work and then after-work commitments. (Gambatte.)

…

…

…

Okay. I have decided. I will go to bed NOW and sleep NOW. And tomorrow I wake up on time and do what I need to do. I mean later. Hehe.

Tapa King and Kulit Queens

I found a sheet of paper from way back in college - it has notes passed among Lora, Emyr, and myself during one of our classes (I forgot which one). Lora and I sat next to each other, and Emyr was somewhere at the back. The note went like this:

I wrote to Emyr: Emyr dear, would like to have lunch with me and Lors at KFC?

Lora added: Hi Emyr!

Emyr wrote: I don’t like KFC. Tapa King na lang. 

Lora wrote: Okay with me. Ikaw Pits?

I wrote: It’s okay!

Then we sent back to note to Emyr, but after I wrote again: Emyr, okay lang sa yo Tapa King? 

Emyr replied: Pwede Tapa King na lang?

I wrote: Okay lang? Ikaw?

Lora added: Ako ok din. Si Emyr kaya?

I wrote: Ewan. Tanungin natin. Emyr, okay lang ba sa yo ang Tapa King?

Then we passed it back to Emyr.

Emyr wrote: I have decided: Tapa King! Wala nang kokontra!

I wrote: Okay lang naman sa amin ang Tapa King e. Ikaw lang ang makulit.

Lora added: Onga. Ikaw lang ang kumokontra. Hay naku!

Then we sent it back to Emyr. Exasperated, he just replied: Basta. Tapa King tayo!

:D

Party Weekend

My last weekend before the first work week of the year starts is full of fun get togethers (^^,)

(By the way, I spent most of my weekend computer-less because I had problems with my video card and monitor. I actually experienced withdrawal symptoms and anxiety! So anyway I’m here now *elle tone* Wide awake!)

Saturday noon I met up with my friend Cecille and her sister Cynch, to have lunch at Som’s (love the green curry) then shop and have coffee in Rockwell. I wasn’t in shopping mode but I enjoyed the walk and being with them. I only bought some makeup stuff and saline for my eyes (which have not been away from their lenses since New Year’s Eve hehehe). We then had coffee in Figaro, went around a bit more, then left to go home around 5:30 PM. 

Back home, I was getting a little stressed out about the computer problem, so I decided to clean up the portion of my room where I work, and I dusted the corners and the back of the desks and the cables and everything. I didn’t want to turn the computer on and find it still problematic, so I decided to clean up the keyboard too (yes I took out each character and cleaned the whole thing up, except for the space bar and the enter key, because I did that with an old keyboard and was never able to put it back properly). Had dinner with my dad in the kitchen (I wasn’t hungry yet because of my anxiety but he cooked and called me over so I told him about my computer problem and ate a bit.) Then, as I continued to clean the keyboard, I suddenly felt agitated and wanted to go out, so, at the last minute, I decided to go to the mini reunion of my college psychmates. I finished preparing around midnight, at which time Peter and Emyr picked me up using Peter’s car. When we got to Rea’s, there were only 7 of us in total, the other four people being Lora, Anthere, John, and Rea. We went home around 3 am, but it was still fun and I was somewhat hyper because I was around real, living people whom I’ve known for a long time, plus everyone was in a nice mood and everyone was really pleasant, so I really liked it and was so glad that I went. Very briefly though, there was just a non-serious question which briefly made me wish I could disappear, though I don’t think they noticed I was totally uncomfortable for a very brief moment, except perhaps 1 or 2 of them, but I guess I managed quite well, though I still prefer that the non-serious question didn’t catch me off guard But anyway when I get the pics I’ll post them here because it was a nice night and I really enjoyed being around them

Today, Sunday, I wanted to just stay home but my computer problem was starting to tick me off, so in the afternoon I took a nap with NHK on as some old Japanese guy sang, then when I woke up, I made myself fresh strawberries with milk and ice, took it out in backyard, and enjoyed it with the book I’m reading now (I finished “The Amber Spyglass” - I liked “The Sublte Knife” most), “The Thief” who sometimes sounds like me. I didn’t want to think of what I was going to do later in the day, because I was really experiencing withdrawal symptoms from being computer-less. Just then, my mom came out and told me I should just join her and my dad to this dinner party to celebrate the 88th or 89th birthday of a grand-uncle, and celebrate his 61st wedding anniversary with his wife. It was the father’s side of my dad, and I feel somewhat more comfortable with our relatives there even if I barely know them and usually, gatherings with my dad’s father’s side are more… relaxed, elegant, and simple yet fun. I guess it’s also because the people are more interesting since they come from all over the globe (which also explains why a lot of us do not know each other) and they all look more fulfilled and happier with their lives. So, in the end, I decided to go, and wore a new purple dress with the black tights I bought from Japan (and it’s the first time I’m wearing them because I am more often in slippers or sneakers if my feet are not in seiza or on the bed). As I stepped out of the room, I found my mom wearing black pants and a purple lacy blouse, so she laughed and said we ARE mom and daughter. We went out to the garage and found my dad wearing black pants and nice black shoes and a purple collared shirt, so he was annoyed that we all looked like eggplants. (lmao)

So anyway we went to the dinner party (where 95% of the people are my parents’ age and the age of their parents) and I was just quiet and smiled at everyone who said hi to me because we are all related in one way or another even if we didn’t know each other. The food was great and there was LOTS of coffee and I felt comfortable in my clothes so it was all nice and fun. People who talked to my parents thought I was around 21 years old and some asked if I have already graduated from college and if I have started working already I told my mom that if I happened to bring a date who is around the same age as theirs then he would just blend in with everyone else and I would be assumed to be his daughter or something So anyway, there were slideshows shown of old (and I mean really old) photos, way back from my dad’s grandparents until more recent years, and I was totally amazed at how beautiful everyone seemed to be during the 20s to 40s, and how much more elegant families appeared in photos that time. A photo of my great grandmother was shown, and my mom told me that it was the same great grandmother who foretold that I was going to be a girl, years before I was born That time, my sister was a newly born, so I wasn’t going to be born in another 6 years, but that time my great grandmother told my dad that his next child will be another girl.

So towards the end of the dinner party, more pictures were taken, and I regret not having taken a photo of the my grand-uncle’s side of the family, where my parents are included, and it would have been great to share their photo here showing how HUGE the family is (hindi pa kasama lahat ng wala dito sa Pilipinas), though I managed to take a photo of my grand-uncle and my grand-aunt with my parents and their cousin. Will post it next time

After the dinner party (it was held in a hotel in Quezon City), we stepped out and realized it had rained while we were inside, and it all felt beautiful (^^,) The weather was so lovely and I felt so light and inspired by all the good and happy energies around me. (^^,) 

Back home, my dad helped me fix the computer and I can only guess how EAGER he is to use his fast-drying contact cleaner on my computer parts After a while, ta-dah, it’s okay now (^^,) Have to catch up on stuff!

By the way, I brought Puuru, Broody, and Husky to the party, and a mini-Christmas cake for them Took photos and I will post some here next time too

This weekend has been really nice and fun; I guess it was also good that I was kept away from my computer (^^,) And now it’s back to normal and I can work tomorrow and do normal stuff again. (^^,)

P.S. I loved the eye makeup I used tonight I blended very light beige, matte lavender (to go with my purple dress), and earthy brown which mixed well with the lavender shade. The photographer of the venue took my photo (as she did with everyone else) and I bought it because I liked my happy look even my face looked like a huge plate (camera was too close and my face looked too white in the flash). 

If

もしもほんとうにきてくれたならかくごするとちかうわ

(TFeb6)

Hello Internet

So internet connection was down for 24 hours - from 12 noon yesterday til 12 noon today. It was a holiday yesterday but I guess most of my crops are DEAD.

Anyway, yesterday, I finished a transcription sideline so yay I can get back to running and to studying Nihongo during my free time  

Last night I was planning to go to sleep around 12 but anxiety came over me again and I started this long monologue which is partly a conversation with the Universe. I was thinking of asking for clearer signs but I don’t know what the signs I was supposed to ask for should tell me, and then I realized that I’m afraid to find out some things, and then I realized how confused I am, though I was able to identify some elements which make me confused and anxious. In the end, I was starting to get sleepy, that was around 2 am, so I just decided to draw a rune. They sat in front of me since 1 am but I was also not able to draw one right away because I wasn’t sure what I was drawing it for. So, finally when I got tired of the monologue and the overthinking, I drew a rune for the part of me which cheers for the magic of cherry blossoms. It was a very promising rune, yet I also realized I am afraid to take further steps. It tells me though, of jumping into the void with empty hands. (Hay. Eto na naman ako.) I will post the rune later. And then there’s a part of me that can’t wait for Saturday, yet afraid of it. 

Anyway, work first. Will adjust my time today and work from 1 PM plus 8 hours na lang because of weirdo internet connection.

Emptied

I realize that little by little, as the days go by, I am unknowingly taking steps to follow what my latest rune has said, only to realize it later on. Other times, as I pause to think of why I feel a certain why and what I can do about it, I find myself already on the path to thawing, or my thoughts actually lead me to it.

Last night after realizing a part of the rune where I should find out what is perpetuating this, I knew what it meant when it said SHED. SUBMIT. SURRENDER. And yes, I realize how difficult it must be. But then again, it was a good thing in a way that I saw how uncertain I must also be, constantly shifting my weight from my one foot to the other. 

In any case, afterwards, I simply refuse to be dragged and fatigued. I have emptied my box of messages. 

As I wrote today’s title, I remembered that what is full must be emptied. Perhaps this is one of those things. I’ve been holding on to its trail for the longest time even when it has long been lost to the weight of the situation’s dust. 

Standing Right Smack in The Middle

Isa

The Standstill Rune

“You may find yourself entangled in a situation to whose implications you are, in effect, blind. You may feel powerless to do anything except submit, surrender, even sacrifice some long-cherished desire. Be patient, for this is the period of gestation that precedes rebirth.

“You may be experiencing an accustomed drain on your energy and wonder why: a chill wind is reaching you over the ice floes of old unmoded habits. Holding on can result in shallowness of feeling, a sense of being out of touch with life. Seek to discover what it is you are holding on to that perpetuates this condition, and let it go. Shed, release, cleanse away the old. Doing so will bring on the thaw.

“There is, however, no reason for anxiety. Submit and be still, for what you are experiencing is not necessarily the result of your actions or even your habits, but rather arises from conditions about which you can do nothing. What has been full must empty, what has increased must decrease… To surrender is to display courage and wisdom.”

*I drew this rune tonight. I now leave it all up to the Universe. 

Pause

I sense a certain kind of fear, a very unusual one.

When I close my eyes to rest, I see an old picture fading faster than ever. 

I never mean to cause anyone pain. And so I wait. 

Just today I wondered. So after the last step taken, what happens next?

I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know WHICH is coming. I just wait. 

For different possibilities.

I ache, ever so slightly, for different reasons. 

I refuse to lift a finger, yet I hold my breath. What of the coming days.