Claudiooooooooooo…. (>.<)

Well, not the real Claudio but my version of it. Muhahaha.

(Please click to continue reading this post.)

Claudio and Coffee

Apparently, the ache is not as momentary… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

A Momentary Ache >.<

So at this hour, I am flooded by vivid memories… (Please click to continue reading this post.)

Green Tea Chocolate, Calm Version

Friday afternoon, I went to buy some ingredients for some green tea chocolate. It was the birthday of Denise last Thursday and she liked the first batch of green tea chocolate I made, so for her birthday, I decided to make her some again. I made it differently this time, though, and used different portions of the ingredients. As I finished making it, I tasted it and I think it tasted fine, though I know more of the matcha bitterness will come out later on. I wasn’t able to taste it by then, though, since I have placed everything in a tub for giving to Denise after kendo. It was so nice to make it (^^,) I hope she likes it though it isn’t much. 

I also realized it was so much fun to make green tea chocolate without The Anxiety XD And bringing it to the dojo did not involve hyperventilation as it did the last time I brough homemade green tea chocolate XD

O_O

This time last year, I went to hell. (Of course, it was involuntary.)

No need to spill gory details ^.^

I was going to write this last night, at the exact same time around which a major shift in my life took place. However, my internet provider has not been very cooperative lately so… anyway, I just thought I’d mention about going to hell. 

But the point is, I am here now. And though I went through some kind of phase last Monday (which I forgot to write about then), which is totally unrelated to my Involuntary Hell Trip, things have been more manageable than I thought. 

So yeah, I just thought I’d mention it. 

I am quite relieved that my death wish then didn’t come true. Pano na lang si サイバさん XD 

Loko lang. 

Well seriously, so far, so good. 

I will just try not to read so much into chance meetings and seemingly perfect timings so that I can finally break The Pattern. That also means letting サイバさん sleep inside my head for as long as he can. I have been tired and I will not lift a finger anymore (”.) 

My sister said it had seemed like it was SOOOOO Long Ago. Probably because so much had taken place too and the energies were so heavy that they seemed to have been dragging on for ages. 

So anyway. 

さようなら、先生。

さようなら、いっかくちゃん。

さようなら、all the false hopes. 

An Automatic Playlist

Unconsciously, these just started playing in my head last night after having to deal with the presence of someone. In this order.  

You Really Got a Hold On Me

Black Hole

Got Me

Take It Back

The Morning Sad 

At least the order was right. Perhaps it was like going through the motions in musical form. And then I continue walking on. It just kind of contributed to how I woke up this morning though. This plus other things. All boiling down to Something I Don’t Like and Something I Do Not Wish to Dwell On.

So now it’s like wanting to be a Third Assistant Librarian to get the mind off not having gained the Sight yet.

I guess then, it’s time to be a Third Assistant Librarian. And better to take steps now though my heart is as crushed as the first Paperwing.  

>.<

I guess this is all because I woke up with an Ache.

Argh. Weight.

I think it’s just now I’m feeling the weight of The Unlikelihood. (I don’t want to call it Impossibility.)

>.<

T.T

>.< 

With Matcha, Without Match

I had hot white chocolate this morning, and I added matcha to it. The smell was sooo… nostalgic >.< Reminded me of slightly embarrassing moments >.< At the same time, it reminded me of how we can never be T.T

T.T

Dare desu ka T.T Hayaku, hayaku T.T  

>.<

ジェラシイ

>.<

Stayed In Again

After kendo tonight I came home and didn’t go out. This is nice because I get to rest and I don’t spend so much >.<

For a while though, earlier, That Feeling I Don’t Like came to me, but I managed to just ignore it til it left after several minutes. Yesterday was one of the worsts. It lasted from ate afternoon til the middle of the evening, and I was telling my sister about it, how huge it can sometimes be that it is almost tangible, as if there is a bubble of it and I cannot fill in the space in it with something else. Lately I have been getting That Feeling I Don’t Like a bit more often than it would normally do before >.<

And then tonight, it was a like, the Universe told me that I may not have exactly followed the Recipe for Disaster, but still, everything I did was for… Nothing. >.< Generally, I am not bothered nor crushed by it, but sometimes I remember it and I realize something has changed because now I totally know it, or at least have a clearer idea, and then there is this slight tugging inside and I wince a bit. >.< 

So earlier tonight as I took a shower I was thinking how I thought this and that was so going to happen but they didn’t and I don’t think they ever will. 

Sometimes I just don’t know what to think anymore >.< 

*SIGH* 

>.<

Game Console in My Heart

Wii, PS, and PSP - Packed. 

Packed them separately in my “My Heart is Going to Burst” bag, carefully wrapped in soft shawls XD I remember buying that bag with Kenchan in mind >.< And heart. XD

Slight Fixation >.<

I have started to move on for quite some time, until I have recently realized that there is almost nothing left. Every now and then the memory of honmei would make my face feel like it’s burning, but other than that, all Those Big Emotions have sort of dwindled away. (There would be occasional declarations to the self, though, of what I would be willing to do, but they are Occasional and they are Things That I Do Not Intend to Discuss.)

I am slightly fixating though because earlier there was this tiny tiny tiny moment, which also took place last week, and the week before that, though these other two times were totally not mentioned because I totally brushed them off. It is because my mindset was that it was nothing, plus the absence of Those Big Emotions. Not that they aren’t “nothing” now, but it has somehow SUNK in and now I am slightly fixating. (I am sure though that this will be gone tomorrow or by the time I fall asleep.)

It’s just that I’ve been doing some… catching >.< 

>.<

Tsukareta

>.<

Sometimes when I am tired like this I wish I can

just

succumb

to

someone’s

embrace.

T.T

Anyway, pagod lang yan. Kasi naman di ba. Sana lahat kayo matino. 

Haha biglang nag-angst. 

Anyway, again, pagod lang yan. Ang katapat nyan ay:

• Clutter-clearing (baka naman mawalan na ko ng gamit nyan lmao) 
• Nice warm bath
• Kanji

Of course, it would still be nice if the knight in shining armor came riding in his valiant horse. Or the knight in bogu riding an Audi. Muhahahahhaa. Or an available knight in bogu riding some vehicle I dare not mention. Or kahit simpleng Prince of Persia lang. (LMAO) Prince of Persian cat. Mogget? Isdatchu? Didn’t you have a Persian parent? (Mogget replies: ngaw.)

I think this is all partly due to shift that I sense on an ethereal level. Like some big shift is brewing, carrying with it big, unexpected changes which are not a bad thing, but are disorienting in its own fashion. 

So, time for clutter-clearing. 

*sighs the way Punchy sighs in Petville* (or, well, all Petville pets do that)

Jamaican Cherry Day

In other words, aratilis XD I just like the name “Jamaican cherry” XD The flowers are also small and pretty and dainty like sakura XD (Is that magic? >.< Which reminds me, for several minutes this morning, my head was full of cherry blossom moments and it made me all dizzy and sugary.)

I spent several minutes this morning in the backyard, going from one aratilis tree to the other, picking the sweet berries and  eating them. Each aratilis was so sweet and quite warm because of the sun. Sweet and warm are just what I need XD So anyway, it was really nice and relaxing, and I love the warmth of the sun on my back, my  face, my heavily freckled arms, and my legs, and it was windy, and everything was just perfect. After a while I went back in the house.

Some time in the afternoon, I think I fell in love. 

It could just be a phase though. Or it could all be the happiness I feel and I mistake the giddiness for love. This could all just be pure joy. 

Okay, so looking back, it wasn’t love. I realize just now XD Maybe it has just all been pleasant and the relief I feel is cleverly disguised as comfort and love XD Oh my god, like what the. 

Anyway back to the local Jamaican cherries

I spent the afternoon fighting off zombies and chatting with an ostrich friend, but mostly fighting off zombies, until I lost and lost all motivation XD Just a while ago, I stepped out of my room to make coffee and look for cakes that don’t exist, then I found my mom in the backyard, so I stepped out instead with my coffee and imaginary cakes which dissipated into the late afternoon heat.  Then I found new berries turning red so I picked them and ate all that I found. The trees are happy to feed me anyway so I took as much as I wanted. I didn’t fall asleep like in fairy tales XD Although that would be great too if I woke up after my knight in shining armor found me, but then again I prefer bogu than shining armor. LMAO.

So, I ate more berries, though they were no longer warm, then came back in to finish my coffee.

I don’t know if it’s because of the tides, but a sort of agitation is creeping into my system, though I am brushing it off and reminding myself to focus on the cheerful aspect of myself and not on any form of aches. 

LOVE and CREATIVITY and TRUST in the Universe are the treasures I hold in my hands right now. I am not supposed to resist, nor push. I should focus on the light and let it guide me, instead of dwelling in the shadows and painfully wondering why it’s so dark. 

I will go listen to new music now (^^,) 

I love my friends (^^,)

This Weekend is Awesome (^^,)

It is! (^^,)

(Let me say though, that this sudden rush just right now, as I write this, is due to another unexpected fortunate thing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (^^,) I noticed how from that point, the energy level rose until I am bursting with smitten-kitteness XD)

So, apart from things falling into place since yesterday, and how things still seem to be falling in place today, pieces of me are finding their respective places in my wholeness, even if in trickles. (In trickles, because anyone can see how I have just switched in the past hour from sleepy to WIDE WIDE AWAKE @_@ and in a good way.)

Generally, Saturday was relaxed and seemed to just fleet by in a good way. I’ve had some anxious moments but they were insignificant compared to my general disposition and how my day went. Last night, I had worry dolls stay with me during the night and I was able to sleep well, though I woke up quite early. 

In the morning, I suddenly had one of my rare TV-moods so I went back to bed after breakfast and a bit of internet, and then as I watched various shows I fell asleep again and woke up around noon. Had lunch with my sister who came to visit, then read a bit of Fruits Basket, then had another nappie  

Woke up mid afternoon to prepare for kendo, then went to kendo. As usual, I was lost in kata but Takahashi-sensei taught me and Chiao because I think we were waaay too lost XD Plus I think he overheard my panicky tone as I asked Chiao what I’m supposed to do next as he stared at me as if I was raving mad (lmao). So finally I got it (and hope to do it right again next time). Sensei is awesome (^^,)

I gave out tiny Boracay tokens for some girls during the break (^^,) I will give Denise hers when I see her next time. She passed her shodan exam by the way yay (^^,) 

After kendo practice I spent some time talking to some friends and it somehow helped me get my mind off some things and I felt so much lighter as I headed to my sister’s place. My kendo friends are awesome (^^,) (Plus one of them thought I was 6 years younger than my actual age muhahaha. I was also surprised he is older than I thought he was. Then I said, so that’s why you guys don’t take me seriously and treat me like a child!!! And he laughed because it was partly true Well at least now he knows I’m all grown up XD)

Then we had dinner and saw a movie, and on our way to bring Zig home, we had a major laugh trip because of some strange idea that the boys had which took me a while to get, and they were laughing so hard that Mao couldn’t drive with watery eyes and Zig was bent over with too much laughter that he couldn’t breathe. When I finally got it my face was so wet and sticky with tears and my stomach was hurting from so much laughter. 

Today I also received and opened birthday presents from some kendo friends and they were totally awesome too (^^,) *hearts* 

The magic of cherry blossoms also seemed to stir a bit today, since yesterday actually, somewhere inside me. *slightly enchanted*

I’ve also been accompanied by some new beautiful music that makes my heart beat fast that my face turns somewhat red. Although that is difficult to see because I’m tanned and so not pale yellow-green

I was a bit sad and paranoid about something, but because things have been falling into place and pieces of me are gathering up, plus I learned from the insights I heard from the people around me today, it wasn’t really anything hellish. Plus I have decided to really get myself together so I was taking all of it as a major push for me to do so. 

And then I received something totally totally totally unexpected, and it was a nice nice nice surprise (^^,) My paranoia has just been thrown away just like THE SCONES (lmao). (Omg. I CANNOT get over the scones scene in the Alice movie. Most people would have forgotten it by now, or remember it but not find anything funny in it, but I did, and my stomach hurts from so much laughing at it.) I am also no longer as sad about the something as I was, plus I guess it does not really “ruin” my decision to get myself together, but instead supports it, in a context that is SO much easier for me to move in (^^,) So now I somehow feel “freer” in it and less scared. I’m sure I will have moments but still I totally think this weekend is awesome because it has loads of pleasant surprises and things falling into place and pieces of me finding their way back to their appropriate places (^^,)

On another note, though, by the way, I heard something about a bruise and I cannot accept the idea of him getting hurt like that

Anyway that was just a bit of an off-track note. Just had to let it out of my system. Besides, I am so not in any position to MEDDLE :p

Back to awesomeness. *brush off earlier note* This weekend is really awesome (^^,) Hope the awesomeness extends to forever XD Certain kendo friends really made a difference and I believe I learned important stuff, plus the magic stirring within helped me balance myself, plus there was so much laughter, plus very pleasant surprises, and I am just bursting with hearts and sparkles (^^,) And yes, I’m totally like rainbow sprinkles (^^,)

Lines, 2

I like the possibility of anything, 

the little fear I feel

when you enter a room.

I haven’t a clue of the who of you.

Lavender

As Denise has pointed out, it’s like a lavender scent. 

And last night, despite the huge wound under my left foot, I tried my best to manage to last the practice because surprisingly, I had a bit of extra energy. The huge wound was distracting me though. Anyway, so yeah, the faint scent of lavender. This time though, I was not distracted >.< I did notice it though and I can still remember it :”> I wish these nice thoughts can get me through the day. I don’t want to feel bad anymore T.T

Insomnia Over I

Wasn’t able to sleep right away last night. I was so tired from a day of shopping and walking and helping out with chores, but I couldn’t sleep right away. Only til I admitted that my mind was full of Third Seat thoughts and let myself indulge in it that I was able to fall asleep.

I know it’s crazy how I keep switching like Amu-chan >.< I guess my defense mechanisms are working full-blast. It’s the uncertainty of one and the unavailability of the other. >.< How FRUSTRATING. 

In the Morning

I woke up feeling the intensity of the magic of cherry blossoms. 

I guess the uncertainty of the other option is adding to it. 

Not that this one is certain, but there is magic nonetheless, and that in itself is hope.

Post-Deed

I was telling some friends how I notice that the intensity has lessened ever since I did The Deed. Perhaps it’s finally being able to let it out. I still think he is marvelous, though, but I am no longer in a frenzied state. I am sometimes even more frenzied by the Third Seat. Anyway, again, just one day at a time. I get too tired when I try to think ahead. 

Onegaishimasu

Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.

A Shift Before Sleep

So obviously I was in a kind of rut last night, and just as I said, I was going to be back to my cheerful, warm self. And I did! 

I slept late because since I was staying at my sister’s to look after the king neko, I still had to do the dishes and put away some things before taking a bath and catching some sleep. At first I was semi-sulking (Semi??? Hahaha) and was being somewhat cheered up by a couple of friends over text. Eventually, though, I decided not to pay attention to the discussion of the selves, as well as the chaos of thoughts in my head. Then I just decided to play a song on loop, and it just worked! After a couple of hours I just finished the chores, and took a bath with the song still playing in my head. By the time I climbed to bed and read my book (almost done with the Queen of Attolia) I was feeling so much more relaxed and cheery. 

With a better mood, I decided before going to sleep that I should let one thing go (on the day of the Plan I drew the Separation Rune), and I accepted the fact that I am totally wishing for what I was wishing for the other night and have more wishes trailing after it. I  guess it helped to admit it instead of fight it, and so I was able to sleep soundly. 

A Very Slight Pause

Very briefly, after I attacked and ran past him, and turned to get ready, I slightly paused, spaced out, and uttered this entire sentence in my head: “Oh my god he smells so good.” Fortunately, he didn’t attack just yet so I was able to return to my senses. 

:D

I promise not to let that happen next time >.<

Meeting

My selves are kind of… arguing. Hindi naman heated argument, pero may point of discussion. However, I am too tired to join them or even sit down as a spectator. Hayaan ko silang mag-argue dyan at mag-discuss ng sila sila lang. 

It’s about my saiai pa lang ha. They’re not even getting started on the Third Seat, whose name will be My Artificial Sweetener at certain times. Kungsabagay there’s nothing much to discuss about that, saka medyo ako yung may slight confusion dun. My other selves naman are the ones letting me wallow in it. Not that I’m wallowing, but basically they let me… have my monologue. 

Hay naku. Pagod lang ‘to. Daming work, plus I have other stuff to do, and the “points of discussion” ng mga selves ay nakakadagdag pa. Plus, ang hirap magdraw ng line kung alin ang considerable theories about the Third Seat at alin ang conjured up ng mind(s) ko na sobrang far-fetched.

Well. Bakit kasi sila ganyan. :’( Lahat sila. Then I end up with my monologues. 

(Syempre, hahayaan akong magdrama kasi maya maya lang parang wala na namang nangyari and then I’m back to my cheerful and warm self again. For the next few minutes or so, though, I am just letting my heart sigh away all its… aches.)

Dream Bits

It was amazing that on a Sunday, I was able to sleep around midnight (^^,) 

I slept through the whole night, and only woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. 

I don’t remember much of my dream, but I know that the saiai was always present. I am not sure what our situation is, but everything is in the context of post-honmei-choco

This morning I took a powernap and he was also in my dream. Again, though, I cannot remember what happened. It’s probably all residual thoughts because I fell asleep with vivid thoughts about Saturday, plus some other thoughts of things I wish to happen (^^,)

This Morning

I woke up, remembered yesterday, and smiled (^^,) The surprise on his face and how the giving smoothly went made me all fuzzy and warm inside (^^,)

Done

So, finally, it has been done (^^,)

I just hope it still looks…. normal by the time he opens it. Or opens it again after 3 hours outside of the fridge :T

Anyway, the point is, I’ve finally done it I knew it, when the idea came to me about two or three weeks ago, I just know I had to do it, and I did!

I mustered up all the courage I have so that I could even choose to stick to the plan. I bravely waited until he came and then bravely stepped towards where he stood and bravely addressed him and then bravely took the thing out of the bag (which I realize is red with tiny hearts sewn on them) and bravely handed it over. He looked SO surprised and said “Thank you” twice. When it was over, I ran to the restroom to tell a girl friend about it. I was, and still am, SO relieved that he took it well and that it was over and done with

I don’t know if he thinks of it as giri or honmei, and I think most people would think of it as giri, though I don’t know what he’d think if he sees it’s homemade (apart from wondering WHAT it is exactly). In any case, I have done it, and I guess even if he would think of it as giri, at least I was able to do something and he got it.

So ngayon, feeling ko ang sarap na ng tulog ko

Sana lang maayos pa yung appearance nung chocolate by the time he reaches home

Anyway, basta. It has been done

T.T

My anxiety is so great, I just want to get it over with T.T

I hope everything goes well. T.T

Last night I had dreams about it so I woke up feeling tired T.T

Briefly last night, I thought about not doing it, but I knew I had to, because it felt right to do it. I am just so scaredy cat T.T

I will just share details of going about the first part of the plan after the whole thing.

Sana buhay pa ako at tumatawa naman mamaya

Kyun Kyun Kyun Kyun

>.<

That is my heart. 

I am headed to my sister’s place. She will make cheesecakes and cookies and I will make… honmei choco >.< I am wearing a white summer dress with small flowers in orange, sky blue, and tan. I guess I have to at least look nice. 

The earlier feeling of wanting to disappear has lessened.

My feet can also feel the ground already, and I am standing at a safe distance from the Third Seat.

I guess partly I was also a bit preoccupied by work earlier and the need to make time for stuff.

Oh, god. I am getting more and more scared each minute.

Have to go now. My sister and her kareshi are outside.  

List: Completed

The items in the list of ingredients and materials have all been checked - completed.

Time to make it tonight. 

I should not be stressed nor perplexed. 

Let tomorrow take care of itself. 

(Hay ang daling sabihin.)

While In This Phase

I was listening to some Bjork this morning as I worked and then somehow this grabbed my attention. I used to have it on loop before because I liked it so much and then somehow it seemed to speak of This phase I’m in. Perhaps not all of it, so I just picked out some lines >.<

Your flirt finds me out

As much as I definitely enjoy solitude
I wouldn’t mind perhaps
Spending little time with you
Ssometimes
Sometimes
 

By the way I speak of it as a phase, because I assume there is an end to this (please see previous entry) - shouldn’t there? I mean as I mentioned before, it’s a kind of deadend. And of course there is the Plan to prepare for, and fulfill, and see how it will change things. But then again we don’t know if The phase will cross over that, I really have no idea. I can’t put my finger on it, because sometimes I have this huge desire in me to just RUN AWAY (like earlier tonight, upon realizing the presence of a sea of… others) but sometimes it is so intense I have to grit my teeth and other times I just want it The phase to end so that things will just stay less complicated. Most of the time though, I feel like running away to prevent damage and preserve myself. 

Okay, I admit it’s weird saying all that after Bjork’s lyrics. Clearly, my mind has kind of gone awry. Perhaps it’s because it’s almost time for the Plan. Although… last night, I was telling myself I should be more enthusiastic and… committed… if I am to do this, so that I would naturally just do things out of passionately wanting to accomplish it. But then again, it’s good to be a little dead? Detached? So that if things don’t exactly go right (hey aren’t those the exact opposite of all your rune readings? ~ another self) I would be a little numb to the punch. So just a tiny little bit, I faltered again last night about my decision. 

It amazes me sometimes how I can let a deadend make me have second thoughts about choosing a totally open path. >.<

This afternoon, though, (oh my god the train of thought is getting even longer ~ yet another self) I was thinking that perhaps it’s just the Idea of it but not really It, plus somehow it’s a taste of what I am looking for although it’s coming from the wrong sources.

Other selves, though, still say I don’t know what is going to happen next. 

So, given that, *sigh* I am going back to the runes after all. (Perhaps all the thinking is part of the whole process.) Be careful  with one thing, and be assured of another, though I should remember not to lose myself in it. 

(Yes that sounded so easy but I am in the MIDDLE of huge effin’ PIE.)

Reiatsu - Delayed

Okay, this is all about someone’s reiatsu and the delayed part is due to some technical issues. But, it’s all good now, so, here’s what I was supposed to write last night:

Tonight, the magic of cherry blossoms seems to have been overpowered by someone’s reiatsu. 

I wonder when it will stop. 

So, Last Night’s Runes

After the update on the ingredient came, and after I have settled into my sister’s place (staying here for a few days with the kingcat), I drew a couple of runes. One is for my confusion whether to continue the plan or not, and the other is for some general insight about the Third Seat. I was somewhat inclined by this time to continue with the Plan, but I still wanted to draw a rune for it, hence I perpetually go back and forth until I end up regretting not doing anything and wasting so much time trying to decide. >.<

It took me a while to understand what the Dagaz rune was telling me, until its significance of a Breakthrough dawned on me. Breakthrough. Again, it speaks of an assured outcome, though unpredictable from the current vantage point. I also realized it is the Final rune in the cycle of Initiation. And again, it is about leaping into the void, empty-handed. Also, there is the reminder of not losing the self into thoughts of the future and behaving recklessly. As I started understanding the whole reading, I felt resolved about pushing through with it. 

And, to add to that, as I drifted to sleep, I found a way to make the Plan more…. presentable. I realize I can be more creative and not be overwhelmed by its seemingly complicated process. I can simplify it and make it less “scary” too. (^^,)

With regard to the Third Seat, all my previous insights about it were just further confirmed by the Thurisaz rune, reversed. It practically captured my initial perception that perhaps I am just having a form of difficulty and I might just be succumbing to it, without realizing that I may create more problems for myself later on, bigger than that which I intend to resolve. Great care is required of me so that I do not act hastily and deceive myself of my motives. My intentions should be clear with regard to the “difficulty” - looking back I have already somewhat been swayed, hence the confusion.  It is not really anyone’s fault really. As I realized too last night, as I climbed to bed and felt like a part of me was seeking the Third Seat, that I was just really probably anxious about the Plan, plus about my practice, plus about other things that I worry about, plus the recurring dreams, and the Third Seat just apparently was in all the EXACT places where I NEEDED someone to be. So with the seeming timeliness of it, I fell into a certain kind of “comfort zone” that it provided. But then again, I should always remember to take the caution which the reversed Gateway rune spoke of.

As someone also advised me, I shouldn’t define it so much nor try to FIGHT it. Just let the emotions have its say, like let it sit, until it dissipates. Because personally, you see, it will not really lead to anything. It’s a deadend. Sadly, it is a deadend. 

It is Here.

I drew a couple of runes tonight, one for each. 

I shall write about them tomorrow. 

But even before I drew the rune, the answer seemed to come.

The missing ingredient has been delivered.

TV vs. Killing Oneself Over Exams

In an attempt to explain further, I shall think out loudly. 

Imagine killing yourself over exams. Or a work project. It’s always great to give your best, but let’s say you’ve gone somewhat loony and are doing way too much, snarling at people and cutting off all human connections so you can work in peace. You are so intent on it. That is the Plan. 

At some point you decide to stretch and turn on the TV. This is the Third Seat. (But you don’t necessarily turn on the Third Seat. lmao.) You then actually enjoy it. Later on, you look back at your messy desk and realize, hey, there IS life outside of that. Not that you have totally shifted your goal to watching all TV shows and stopping your work, but you get distracted for a while, then you realize there is a need for you to unwind, because the world does not depend on this one project. You still intend to give it your best, surely, but you realize you needed that bit of stepping back to see that perhaps you are killing yourself too much over this whole thing. Over this Plan. Not that I’m killing myself, but I’ve been in quite a frenzy about it. 

Then comes in the Third Seat. It’s not that I shifted because there is really nothing to shift to but an empty space of aloneness, plus TV is different from long-term plan and goal. I know though, that TV is a somewhat lame metaphor but it has to be clear that there is no SHIFT happening. I can only be too careful in explaining because it can easily be dismissed as a simple shift because what I needed from the other materialized with the Third Seat.

Riddles. Sorry. 

I just wish everything will be right, for once. I just want things to be perfectly happy where they belong. 

Confused

I am VERY confused. 

Earlier today, I had that thought again. Of not pushing through with the Plan. For a while, I felt it was useless. 

It isn’t really about the Third Seat - that is clearly out of the question anyway. But maybe the Third Seat was a needed pause from the all the hype, just for me to see if the Plan should BE, at all. It’s not that the Third Seat was a factor, but is a way for me to take a “break” from the whole frenzy, replacing it with a dfferent form of frenzy (I fell asleep with the Third Seat in my head, woke up with the Third Seat in my head, and have been WANTING the Third Seat consistently, so far, today).

Last night I decided that if I do not get the needed ingredient to the whole thing, then it must be a sign. Fair enough.

But earlier as I thought about the Plan again, I felt like I shouldn’t rely on the ingredient, but really just decide if I should push through or not. Suddenly I had gigantic doubts. 

I wanted to think of the rune saying that the final conclusion, or confirmation, has come, hence the birth. But was I really thinking of the right thing? Did what the rune refer to the same thing that I see? Or am I totally looking at things from an angle that is convenient only to me? 

A part of me begins to think: If you want it, then YOU get it. Why should I trouble myself with something that is possibly way too risky? 

There are still three more days however. I need to figure this out soon enough. 

Hyper Morning

Yay I was awake at like 7 this morning

I fell asleep trying to think of other thoughts

I woke up, however, with the Third Seat right smack in the middle of my mind. Argh.

Plus I had a brief moment of reconsidering if I should push through with the Plan. I know I should, though, and that I am just probably being distracted, and tending to succumb to the sweet escape of it as the day draws nearer.  

I did wake up feeling like some typical high school girl, though. And I currently feel like my heart is going to burst. And for totally odd reasons. This is a somewhat wrong displacement. Hence, the need to be strong. And to remain true, as my rune said last night. (Although it spoke of a sudden fundamental change - which confuses me.)

Time to Run Away

*sigh*

And so it is time for me to run away. Away, to a safe place. As FAST as I can.  Where endless questions will not bug me and meaningless words will not tug at my heart.

On second thought, why should I run away? I can always stay put and be just as safe as I can be anywhere else. If I run away, it doesn’t mean it won’t chase me. I can choose to stay and not be perturbed. 

So, I just got to be strong. 

Besides, I have yet to unveil my Plan. Perhaps, yes, this is all a displacement of my anxiety about the Plan. A sweet escape. 

Anxious Thoughts Prior To

Oh no.

WHAT am I thinking?

This person is way ahead of me in so many ways.

And I barely know this person.

What am I thinking?

Am I actually going to do it?

(Of course I will. Those are just some of my occasional anxious thoughts before the actual… declaration.)

A Possible Displacement

Possibly, this whole Third Seat fixation is a displacement Hehe. I’ve used this word so many times since college, accusing my classmates in various situations har har har. (While they throw “repressed” and “rationalization” at each other ) So anyway, I came to this theory earlier today, because I could just possibly be masking my anxiety for my Plan with a much much safer target, while taking one step at a time towards its completion. 

I have to admit, though, that this fixation is becoming way too…. intense. >.<

Argh. *grab and cling* 

3 AM

I would like to think that it’s getting better. 

Sunday, or Monday, I slept at 6 AM.

Monday, or Tuesday, I slept at 4 AM.

Last night, or this morning, I slept at 3 AM. 

Later, I intend to sleep by 1 AM at the latest. 

What’s with the insomnia… apart from the frequent occurrence of the magic of cherry blossoms. 

Sleeping Disorder

Last night, or this morning, I slept at 4 AM.

Sleeping troubles again. 

I am hoping it’s a masked excitement for something great happening

Or maybe it’s all about the plan. The anxiety. >.<

@_@

I slept at 6 AM this morning. Was up all night T.T

I guess partly it’s the plan, plus the magic of cherry blossoms, plus my own struggles, plus the start of another work week (as of now, though, some ideas are brewing in my head). 

おしえてください

Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.

Away From The Rules

And I need to see you. Without the presence of everyone else. Without the rules. Without having to hurry. Without worrying about having to attend to responsibilities. 

>.<

Aaaaargh. Getting a bit worked up about my plan >.<

I know I should not be perplexed, because I will do it anyway. So. I won’t. Be. Perplexed.

First of all, I need to get all the materials together before I get all worked up about where to place it. 

Once every few seconds, though, I ask, “Am I really doing this? WHY am I doing this?” And I know all the answers but I keep asking anyway.  

Need My Version of Su

I went out today to buy some beach-stuff and some more cute pens (will post photos later on). On our way home, an idea magically popped into my head. 

Earlier today, I thought about it because I was buying some things for some friends, and I completely brushed off something similar to that idea, but earlier this evening, the idea was just like, more insistent. Like I HAVE TO do it. 

And then,  as I thought about it more, more ideas became more solid in my head. Until I was able to narrow it down to following in the steps of Amu-chan as Su and Nadeshiko helped her with something concerning Tadase-kun. And then, I just found the perfect idea as I browsed through pages. Everything came together so quickly, that I know I have to do it, and if I don’t, I will always feel bad that I didn’t. It’s one of those things. 

So. Help me, my version of Su (^^,)

It Lingered

“Your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand.”

(Sandalwood, Lisa Loeb)

Was It Really My First Name?

I SO WISH that what Nova/Peewee said was TRUE!!! @_@